Power is responsibility

Sept 20

Father, eyes bit blur today. Power has reduced and I m fine lah.

Today, did long time at Samyama. I was trying my best to get into the mode. Suria was effortless and I focus on my breathe, only lost during 12 cycle. During Shambavi, I felt I was in another space.

Father, tot of my issue power is responsibility. We were given freedom and hence power to make any decisions during childhood. But with that power, we were also held responsible for the results. While I am a Queen and use to power, but as a Child, not sure if I am equipped. Perhaps some part of me want to be protected instead of always being responsible for myself. I wanted a husband that protect me but difficult to find cos my persona is masculine energy and part of me valued my freedom too much.

I now see that it was my brother who try to grab power/freedom from me by criticising me mercilessly. So, I have 2 sides.

Father, something there. Guide me.

Now, I think it was not only foolish for my mother to always let's us decide and responsible for ourselves. I think she gave us the childhood she wanted. She is ever ready to be responsible and were not given by grandmother and hence give it to us. On my side...that's why I felt not loved.

My belief of love
Love is responsibility

Since I believed love is responsibility By making me responsible for myself since young, I tot my mom doesn't love me.
That's why I self-protect all these years and I self-love.
No wonder I self-promote cos it was just me giving myself a pat on the back.
Love is hard work
Love is Power
Power is Responsibility
Power is hard work.

I don't equate being given power as being loving. For me it is a burden. That's why I tot mom doesn't love me. That's why I tot God doesn't love me. That's why I tot Love is unattainable
The only reason I hold on to Power is my comfort, love for myself. While Power is hard work, it also gives me the freedom from authority.

So, there is pro and con about power. Mmm, I cannot have my cake and eat. With power, I have freedom. But with power I also have responsibility.

Father, guide me. Not sure where this leads to.


Sept 20 Eve
Just now L contacted me. Then she told me people calling and helping her to plan her trip. I can see my envious feeling came up. I comfort myself that I was powerful, independent and doesn't need help. Then a tot came Power means not lovable.
I just let the envious feeling arise and it went off on its own.
Another tot came. Whenever powerful people are in 'emotionally challenging situation, I noticed I tend not to symphatise with them. I would say they don't need me.
Father, this Power issue is really tricky.
I have attracted a few powerful people who doesn't use their power responsibly. What about me?