True Self (3)

Sept 19 Eve

Today had lunch with my two old friends. They were only keen on mundane matters. I tried to share about my spiritual experiences but they were not keen.
Father, thanks for at least keeping P in my path. I have to admit its true, I can easily let go of relationships.

True Self
Our reactive behaviour pattern is the way that we react when fear comes up. Some of us respond to fear by internalising it (stuffing it) and some of us by externalising it (projecting it onto others)

Inward Reaction Pattern, we try to hide from others or become invisible when we get scared. We don't confront. We internalise our anger. We blame ourselves. We become a victim.

Outward Reaction Pattern, we attack others when fear comes up. We become emotionally or physically intrusive, aggressive or overbearing. We yell, hit, blame and shame. We express our anger without owning it or looking at it. We come a victimiser.

Generally we tend to copy the reactive behaviour pattern of our dominant parent and to attract rship with people who have the opposite behaviour pattern.

Soul
Me, Inward. CEO/M/A is outward. C is Inward.

My dominant emotion
Envious
Hurt
Anxious
Worried

Father, anger and sadness not in? Why?

True Self
Your wound keeps u a victim or a victimiser. And, as we know, all victimisers were victims once.

There is a gift within the True Self that u have come here to give. Unless u find that gift and learn to give it, u will feel that u have wasted ur time in this life. You will have lived without discovering and fulfilling ur life purpose.

Your gift is what u do well without great effort. It comes naturally to u. You enjoy cultivating and giving ur gift and others appreciate receiving it.

Soul
My gift is Intuition, Dialetic can see both pro and cons; Ability to lift the veil and see the core. Connect to the Universe's energy. Able to write my feeling effortlessly.

True Self
When we work towards our strengths, we discover our gift and develop the confidence that we need to give them.
When we know what we are not good at and refrain from doing it, we make room for more appropriate work to come into our lives.

Soul
Good thing I was on d right track since day 1. I always worked on my strength and gets others to do my weakness.
People told me I must face it but it cause me to feel bad, not good enough.
Well, maybe reason for it.
I always sure of what I don't want and not sure of what I want. Thanks for the Intuition that guided me on the right track.

Father, people always use the description "authentic" on me. I guess that its becos I only do what I want. But I admit I am not authentic when my fear of rejection is triggered.


True Self
We have to be faithful to who we are. We have to be authentic and unique. When we make the choice to trust what is true within us, the True Self shines in all its glory and become an instrument of the Divine Will. Now all the chakras line up. Heaven comes to earth. Grace rules and miracle abound.
When the True Self is born, we come into our full empowerment. We are ready to find our gifts and to give them. We are ready to serve.

Soul
I have found my gift and I give whenever I can. I am still not sure on the serving part.

Was reading the stories. Father, why I always think it is me. As a child, I have always decided on what I want to do.
I always have to take care of myself. I recalled that I did resent my parents for not giving us parameters or teaching us protocol so that we can be accepted in the world.

While part of me admire her guts for making me decide if I am ok with the marks m getting, the other part also angry at her for making me responsible for my result, my life at such an early age. How can she expect me to make the right call, why gave me so much power?? She may have given me the power but the power comes with responsibility. It is not free ride.

My dad, I never have any dealings with him.

The only one giving me parameter was my brother who is forever criticising me, supposedly for my own good.

Here I was facing all these challenges, but I have to face it alone and have to weather for others.

I used to think that perhaps they don't love me. They always let me be.

Father, could I have absent father and ambivalent mother and I have a critical brother.

Father, "Power is Responsibility". Father, part of me afraid to fulfill destiny as I am afraid of the responsibility. I have been responsible for myself since I was a child and also take care of others too. Can I take care of so many people, what if I don't have time to take care of myself, my comfort.

Even now, I can see I don't want to giv to M and B as I don't want them to depend on me, I don't want to be responsible for them.
So, how??
Father, I have been responsible at too early an age. My parents let me roam wild. No one take care of me, no one knows what makes me feel loved.
So, I take care of myself by having rich friends/neighbours who gave me the comforts that I want. But of cos, it comes with a price. I have to endure their company. (Soul - suddenly tot this is my rship wit CEO. This is also my rship with my jobs )

From my brother, I gather that I am not good enough to be loved. I always need to be more to be loved.

Power equal responsibility
That's also the reason why I am afraid of too much meditation, too receptive as I don't want to have so much power. Then I can say I cannot give. But the power is coming in and I cannot stop it.
But the part of m not good enough and want to be more that is also pushing me forward. So, one part is going forward due to To be More and the other part, Be Stagnant.

No wonder, Go with the Flow.

Power is Responsibility
Responsibility means I have to take care of others and no one to take care of me.
Responsibility means I won't be loved.
At times, I am resentful for having the power. For power is a curse. Its a punishment. It is self-protection and no one would tot of protecting me.
That's why I am envious of those people whose needs are taken off. They don't have to be responsible. They don't have power, but they are loved.
I was the one who stand up for myself when the incident happen. (Father, where I got the courage, I don't know. But its becos I always have to take care of myself.)
Love is Unattainable for me becos I have power.
And that's why I don't want any more. But I have RA and I want to heal myself.
I felt God gives me the RA motivation to push me.
In a way the RA has also gained me some brownies point and I can seek care and to be a bit of victim.
Perhaps that's why I wasn't upset with having RA. Its only recently when the joints are bad that I tot about it.

That's why I cried whenever I see Sadhguru. My tears were thanks for the power but I cannot use it. I cannot follow u. I can't be a giver like U. My love cannot cover so many people.

True Self
Story
I learned to stay in my heart and feel my feelings. I learned to begin to hold my fear gently and to listen to the anger and sadness of the wounded little girl within me who was afraid to be herself for fear of being rejected.
We are very connected now. She tells me exactly what she feels because she know that I will listen to her.
As I continue to heal and to surrender to the power of love, I am beginning to embody this beautiful Mother energy.

Soul
I wanted to have the loving energy of Vijii and Tamil teacher.