Expressing my fear

Sept 15

Father, today Suria Namaskara was effortless. I was not even tired at 12 cycle. Amazing. Then breathing meditation. Me jus being aware of it and then it happen, breathing in deep and slow happens on its own. I have experienced it yday and tot it was a fluke. It is not. When I give attention to my breathe, it shows me back.
Surprisingly the nightly laughing has stopped. And even during Shakti, I also learnt to contain. Mmmm, let the old one go and make room for new one.

Today is tamil teacher sathsang. I am looking forward to the big group of people and also the teacher. I was enthralled by Vijii's lovingness and the Tamil teacher also has it.

Heal Ur Life
If people are not treating you the way u would like to be treated, then there is a pattern in ur consciousness that is attracting such behaviour. Look around and bless everyone u work for and with.

Soul
Father, m bit disturbed about the rship between S and W. Both also important to me. S said that he is only staying becos of me. So, foresee he will go next year. W will also leave next year as she says 2 years here. Guess I am afraid that my newly found stability and ease of life may go off.

I tot I have reduced their issue but looks like I did not and it is now a deadlock that they cannot even be civil with each other.
I know S has the issue on being misunderstood and attacked by people. How abt W? It is just insecurity or its the part of King in S that W cannot stand. Will check on their rship.

On M, another Queen of Diamond. I am still flabbergasted on how someone can buy 5 blouses without meeting the person. Firstly, I tot its to view and not to buy. And if she buy, tot she would buy just one, but she buy 5. Today will speak to her. Hope she is fine, but most likely not. And these days m secured enough not to let rumours triggered me. (Spoke to her and she was fine. She admitted that she should not have bought first. I bought 2 instead. win win)

Father, when I saw the politic card, I tot why come back. And here this week, mind is working overtime.

For the first time, I am insecure that my staff leave. Previously m not bothered as I would do it but now I am no longer willing. I guess that's also the reason for my issue with GM. When she doesn't do her part, her dept in shamble and we lost control.
Father, I never felt insecurity in job, never tot of sticking to comfort zone.
Guess my fear is that if the easy life is off, then I may have to quit due to health. And that's even compound the insecurity.

I am worried for future. Not appreciating my present. What's the positive here? At least now I am thinking of ease of life and stability, something not in my radar before.

Mmm, suddenly tot of W and S. I have always act as a meditator at office. Tot of making this professional. Instead of seeing the situation between W and S negatively. See it as a tool for me to learn.

When I got to this job, I told myself no more mediation between peers/boss. And here I get on my staff.

Father, I do hav issue expressing my feelings to others. My feelings is deep and I fear people cannot relate and would shun me.
I have issue in acknowledging and express my emotion. So I have difficulty in meeting other emotional needs too.

Mmm, I got Nine of Spade today. Father, I m feeling more of my Queen of Diamond (inner)year spread as compared to my Ruling card (outer). Outer things r fine and stable, but inner I know m not at ease.
Tell me, guide me.

52 days - Three of Spade
It represents indecision, fear and physical stress.