Expressing my fear (2)

Sept 15 Eve

Father, was an amazing sathsang. There were 100 meditators instead of the usual 17 persons.
Was crying non-stop during the pre-sathsang songs. Really not sure why.
During shambavi, felt a twinge of sweetness and a depth of calmness.
During the special meditation, can sense the flow of energy on my palm, felt like a thick batch of wind/molecules. And when I bring my palms back to my navel, the energy erupted and I felt such joy and was laughing non-stop (despite me desperate to take a leak). Amazing.

Saying all that, while I am happy and also bit proud, I am not as appreciative of it becos the day to day living is what matters. Just like my 8 days of laughter, dancing and singing in samyama. No change. Hey. There is a change. Father, why am I not appreciative of my receptivity. To people, they consider is success. But to me, this is not my effort, nothing to do with me. So, I don't take credit for it.

I also slightly ignored the teacher. Just like I ignored Sadhguru. Why??? I am truly appreciative of them and they are in my prayer. I invite them into my inner space. But outer space, I don't acknowledge them.
Mmm, is this something to do with my INTP's behaviour of not giving affirmation when it is due. Now that I realised, I think teacher is waiting for me to say something nice to him. I didn't, firstly, there were so many people and besides they can fawn over him. I bow to no one.

Father, why can't I express how I feel inside?
If I can't express it to the gurus, how can I express it to my partner.

I need help in expressing myself. I am afraid to show my feeling, afraid of being rejected since they got tons of fan, one less of me has no impact. An alternative tot came. But what matters is not their response, it is my expression that I should take care.
Well, the moment is pass. I hope to take this samyama and show Sadhguru what he meant to me. Guess it always been my tears of regret of not able to show him my thankfulness and my immense gratitude for his grace. So, let's start with Sadhguru. Let me show him how much I love him, my guru. How much I am devoted to him, how much I am receptive to his energy, to his tots, his guidance.

Father, guide me. I want to show the natural me.

Success is not recognised by me.
Father, its becos I don't acknowledge the success and hence unable to show appreciation. For other, its major and they would have shown their devotion.
Father, my Inner Criticism is strong.

Now, perhaps this is the reason why I don't show my appreciation outwardly.

Father, my right elbow seems to have recovered slightly but I just twisted my left wrist. Aiyoh. One after the other. When will the pain end? A tot came, be patient, suffering is blessing must be hold true by me.

I am glad I overcome my resistance and photocopy the 7thunder for LK as she is going to do BSP.


A tot came on showing appreciation. Take a cue from how the rest of people are behaving when they like their guru. Yea, the rest of meditators are fawning over him.
Well, m not comfortable but I have to do necessary.

Showing and behaving like the rest is my lesson.

Osho - Nanak
Real knowledge carries an impact; it is born out of life's experience, the friction of life. When u take a jump into existence, knowledge is born - not through scriptures and words. Experience is a blow, so we try to avoid it to save ourselves.

No one can awakens in this world without a blow; u have placed shock absorbers all around u so u r safe. Nothing can affect u.

The sage attain knowledge by the impact of events and u use the very impact as a shock absorber. You take great care to protect ur ego, the very thing that need to break.