True Self (2)

Sept 19
Father, did my morning walk with breathing awareness. I walked slowly. Did tot of C, but I have made my peace. Besides we r not growing any further.

True Self
Neither Shadow nor persona is an accurate representation of who we are. They are both distortions of Self because each conveys only part of us. Only when the two are integrated and the psyche returns to wholeness, do we begin to get a realistic sense of who we are.

The part that we don't want to see or feel is called the Shadow and the part that we accept is called The Persona.
The shadow includes the early childhood experiences that were too traumatic for us to process consciously. It includes all our fears and demons that run our lives at an unconscious level.
The Persona is that aspect of self that we are comfortable with and allow others to see.

Soul
My shadow is my Five of Hearts and my Personality is Ace of Diamond and part of Queen of Diamond. I have faced almost all my shadows. The one thing eluded me was rship due fear of rejection and also money and comfort issue.

I believe love is unattainable and I cannot find a man to give me the comfort that I want. Therefore I earn the money so that I have security to offer the comfort that I want. And now the destiny is even asking me to release money and to me that's means insecurity or no comfort.

What do I associate comfort with? Why is it so important? It brings me pleasure, it makes me feel important, it makes me feel loved and appreciated.

Guess what I meant was that my Inner Love can't buy me comfort. And like LY says to be in spiritual path is to be without comfort.

True Self
We could either try to manifest that belief (confirmatory behaviour) or we will try to prove that it is wrong (compensational behaviour).

We either wear our hurt on our sleeve or we build a mask to cover the inadequacies we perceive in ourselves.

Soul
I seem to do both. At first, I avoid unconsciously and have a brave front of I don't need men and I can earn my comfort. Then when I saw my shadow, I assert myself, thinking I could overcome it, searching for love and got myself into trouble. And now that I finally see my shadow, I consciously avoid as I don't believe I can overcome it and also seeing my shadow shaken my persona and I felt loss of control.
So, now the Power and Courage Card ask me to see it again.

True Self
All masks need to come off if we want to heal. Each of us must take the time to feel our pain and see our self-betrayal. We cannot change our behaviour without seeing the belief on which it is based. And we cannot challenge that belief without seeing the shame and unworthiness behind it.

Soul
Well, I now know the belief arise from my brother criticising me so much, out of love. But how do I move out from there?

True Self.
All of us cling to our mask because we believe that if people really knew the rage, the grief, the fear, the guilt and the shame we carry within, they would reject us. We learn to stuff our emotional wounds into the dark depths of the psyche where we assume no on will go looking.

Those who deal with the root pain will heal. Those who are in denial and don't deal with it, don't heal. Your healing cannot begin until u drop ur mask.
Are u willing to take ur mask off and allow urself to be authentic? Are u willing to be imperfect, vulnerable, human?

Soul
I am, first thing is I want to be authentic to people of authority who has helped me loads. I know somehow despite my gratitude, my show of appreciation is not comparable to my gratitude. I guess I was afraid to be rejected if they can see the depth in me.

Who knows, I may then show my appreciation/attraction to a guy without any fear that they may reject me.

True Self
When we take off our masks, we meet our pain head-on. Unless of course, we are an addict. If we are an addict, we try to compensate the pain or distract ourselves from it, by seeking some kind of pleasure (food, drink, drug, sex, television, internet, making money, work, etc.) But that 'fix' works only temporarily.

Soul
Suddenly a tot came, since I believe love is unattainable, I give myself the comfort and lovely food that I want. That's why I am so attached to comfort. Comforts represent love for me. If I don't earn money, I can't give myself comfort (expensive taste for food) and hence I don't have love.

Father, that's my fix - expensive comfort and also challenging job
1. Expensive comfort
That's why I find it difficult to release the money security issue cos it is the source for my fix.
And this need to hold on to the fix also puts up resistance to my spiritual path, which is my destiny, Self-Mastery (universal love).

Actually RA isn't suffering to me. My suffering would be the loss of comfort. I recall when I was diagnosed with RA, despite being sad, it was countered by the happiness of not having to curtail my comfort (good food).
That's is also why I cried so much when I have to eat the kanji. I guess it is perfect that my spiritual path brought me to India, a country I would never tot of visiting as it represent to me loss of comfort.

2. Challenging job and valuable tasks.
I felt a sense of worthiness when I overcome challenges. Then if no man wants me, at least the company wants me. And if company wants me, my value increase, money and security is intact and I can buy my comfort without fear.

That's why whenever there is no challenge, I run away. And when I finally put a stop to it. I felt loss again and I tot samyama can help me to transcend. Alas it only help me to deepen meditation and nothing more. That's why I was disappointed.

3. Television - romantic drama.
I enjoy what I tot I cannot attain. If cannot attain on my own, at least can imagine loh.

True Self
But ending the addiction is only the first step to recovery.

Soul
I survived the 40 days veg and now wil do the 30 days veg, but I cannot says its ending the addiction. But my attachment to food has lessen considerably.
As for the challenges, I have stopped it and now facing my valueless self.

True Self
True recovery means not only "not using" but coming face to face with the pain behind the addiction. It was this pain that the addict tried to escape by using. Now that he is not using, he has come face to face with his pain or he will not heal the cause of his addiction.

Addiction is a wall that we build between ourselves and our pain.
When we recover from our addiction, we have to learn to take down that wall. If we don't, we will recover from our addiction, but we will not recover from our pain. True healing will not be possible.

Anything that takes us up into our heads and away from our heart can be a tool of denial. We can find new addictions or compulsive activities to replace the old ones. If we don't want to feel our pain, we won't. We will leave the wall standing and keep our pain locked away behind the wall.

Soul
Well, I admit after taking of the Challenges at work, I have replaced it with Korean romantic drama. Today is the first time, I ignored it and read this True Self instead

(Oct 17 - whenever I felt edgy, its because I am feeling uncertainty, not a common feeling and I got scared, normally I would either eat lovely food or read.)

True Self
If we want to heal fully, we have to resist the tendency to build a new mask. We have to be willing to stand there naked, vulnerable, visible, without a mask. Then we can begin to dismantle the wall and look at our pain.
Acknowledging our pain and looking at it is the first step forward on our journey of healing.

Soul
I haven't really done that. This time in Samyama, let me just focus on releasing and forget about attaining. Amen.

Beliefs - I am not worthy of love
I have to be smarter than others to be loved
I am unlovable
I am unattractive
I show up for others, but no one shows up for me.
Love is too scary. I am better off alone.
I am weak or sickly
I am not enough, I have to be more in order to be loved.