My Journey

My Journey

I started my journey in 1997 during recession as I was feeling insecure. Work used to be my security and I am good at it. But I wasn't as sure as before as I now know that outside circumstance is beyond our control. We can be the best worker, but when the economy is down, everything goes.

So, I started to read book to find answers on how I can be more secure. I start to read books on personal development, to better equip myself in my career and to find back my security level. But the more I read, the more insecure I felt.

In 1999, I took a gamble and quit my job as I won an offer for a 3 months scholarship to Finland. That was the turning point for me. I was introduced to spirituality by Wayne Dyer's Sacred Self.

In 2000, I was initiated into A Course in Miracles (“ACIM”) and it was the book that finally broke down my control self. I plummeted down into a mild depression. I just wasn’t my normal happy self, but I can’t seem to come out of it.

But I just couldn’t accept that God create me and leaves me here to suffer. I know there must be a way out and I keep on searching. Then I read the book, suppression of feeling led to depression, and from then on, I learn to let go of my control and let my feeling surfaced and my depression ended.

Around the same time, I found Carl Jung and I was totally connected to him. He taught me that it was my unconsciousness that rules me and I am not in control as I thought I am. I got scared cos I am the type of person that needs to be in control in order to feel safe. I made a commitment to open up all my doors of unconsciousness as I cannot allow others to control me.

And I was then able to practice ACIM with an approach to open up all my doors of unconsciousness, it was a humbling period. Every time I thought that it was someone/some people that hurt me, I would be brought back to see how I contributed to the unhappy situation that I was in. So, I learnt through the hard way about projections and mirrors. At the same time, I also read Krishnamurti who taught me about how relationship is always mirror for me to see myself (inwardly)

In Year 2001, I attended Asia Work workshop and became aware firstly that I have past wounds that need to be addressed and secondly I am an internal control freak. My self control operates on automatic mode closing all doors to my feelings.

With ACIM, I found my auto self control switch and turn it off and start to feel again.
While ACIM has turn my mind around by changing my behaviour but it does not address the inner wound. And I found Meister Eckhart and Cloud of Unknowing. When I read their words, my door crumble and past wound is expressed.

My life and relationship with others have improved so much but yet it is not yet transformed because I realised that I am continuously clearing shit from my mind. But it is like a never ending story, once I uncover and release a story, a new story will come up. I asked God, why can’t I overcome my fear, why so much fears? When will this ends?

I also know that I have not been able to get a grip on my need to be valued at work. Unconsciously, I drive myself in work and because I was disconnected from my feeling and body, my system break down and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I can already see that my mind, which is my pride, is also my weakness. It is creating so much shit that I am unable to clear all of them. I prayed to God for help, because I know I can no longer help myself anymore. I cannot rely on my mind, I am disconnected with my feeling as I don’t trust them and definitely I cannot rely on my body, as I thought I am a physically challenged person, someone unable to play even simple game like badminton.

So, body, mind and feeling are out. I prayed to God, help me, I am at tail end and no longer can help myself.

Alas, in late 2008, I was introduced to Isha yoga, in d first session, Sadhguru said apart from mind, body and emotion, there is a 4th dimension that governs us, ensuring our heart beat n blood flow n it is Energy. This Energy is not within our grasp and hence we can't manipulate it.

I was ecstatic; alas there is another dimension in me that can help me. I who always tot I can't do meditation, fell into it and doing it diligently as d results of joy and peace is amazing. I wake up daily at 6 am to do my meditation. For someone who love food, I now delay my dinner by 2 hours so that I can do my evening meditation, clearing all my daily stress and be happy again.

In early 2009, I started a blog on my daily journal detailing my feelings, my thoughts and excerpts from books that I have read that connects me. It was a form of expression and I also hope that others can have a first-hand view of the inner turmoil and joy, the up and downs in our journey to be our Self.

My Rheumatoid Arthritis acted up sometimes mid 2009 and I decided to take up hatha yoga from Isha. And for someone who dislikes exercise of any forms, now wake up 4.30 am daily to do yoga. Amazingly, I love doing yoga with awareness, which gives me the same experience as meditation.

In late 2009, I finally acknowledged that I am no fulfilled in my current career as a head of finance in a corporate environment. I decided to resign, but was offered a 4 day week instead. But still I don’t know what I am looking for and I was guided to the Passion Book, that help me to zoom down towards my Top 5 Passion List and on top of the list is to be a Transformational Leader as I love to share about my experiences and how it resulted in Insights that have helped me and can help others too.

I am so happy, the happiest I have been in all my 43 years. I found myself laughing to sleep nearly every day and when I am in the pool, I just laughed with joy. And during meditation, I am in such contentment and peace that tears of gratitude just fell. I can now accept the good and bad part of me, because all is ME.

Just before I did this profile of mine, I was led to a book by AH Almaas, Diamond Heart Book 4, a book I bought back in 2006. I recalled that it couldn’t connect with it. But now I can. And coincidentally, the book is about combining spirituality with psychology in order to transform our personality. This basically outlines my approach in my journey, so looks like I am on the right track.

But the journey ahead is long, there will be ups and downs, but after a while, a sense of contentment and fulfillment will arise. What I know that we need to get clarity on our Self using psychological and spiritual tools, but in the end, we still need to act on it to enable our transformation to take effect. Otherwise, all the knowledge that we gathers will come to nothing.

I am now at this stage of transforming my personality to match my inner values, but it will not be easy, so much attachment to go through. In the end, even if I knew what is good for me, I tend not to change, cos I am afraid of losing what I have, not sure of the gain. But this is a choice that I will make everyday until my outer matched my inner!

For now, my first step is to act on my Passion as a writer and I am starting my website; joyong