Awareness clearing compulsive tots

Nov 3
Father, today the left shoulder is still painful. I can't do the suria properly. I cried a bit, but then I picked myself up and improvise, finished 12 cycles.
Breathing meditation was not good cos was sneezing throughout due to cold. Then shambavi was fine, but I slept towards the end and dreamt about the 'unfairness' treatment by CEO on the client issue.
Just now slept about 20 min in the car, something that never happen before. Guess its due to the cold I m having. But I know I just need some rest and will recover. Tomorrow is holiday, so can have long weekend to rest.
My left hand is swelling, something that hasn't happen before. Why so many things at the same time. I was totally fine in Ashram. Wonder if this is to make me eat the medicine.
　
The mind was acting overtime over the management team cases. It seems as if they were ganging up on me. And I felt bit victimised cos I tot perhaps this has to do with me being CEO's favourite at the moment. But who know, wind of tides may change.

Then a tot came. There is no bad rship, its has both good and bad. I have worked with PD before and we do get along well. So, I want to have another perspective. Anyway, its all my defensiveness, I will address it. Small matter.

Osho
1. Issue
Consciousness.
Consciousness is available to all who become a master of the mind and can use it as the servant it is meant to be. There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding u have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself. When u choose this card, it means that there is a crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of ur being. Accept this gift and share it.

Soul
Yea, that's me now. I don't want to use my defensiveness. Just now saw PD's mail and I was able to reply calmly and be helpful. As for the other head's request, it was something that I asked for anyway.
Guess my defensiveness arise from 'admin' function that I don't like.

2. Internal Influence
Ordinariness
You are facing a time when this easy, natural and utterly ordinary approach to the situations u encounter will bring better results than any attempt on ur part to be brilliant or clever. Forget about dazzling ur colleagues.
This special gift u have to offer now is presented best just by taking things easily and simply, one step at a time.

Soul
Guess just me be myself, accepting instead of being defensive cos taking things personally.

3. External
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen on its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful. The essence of true friends, mature, easy with each other, natural. U r no longer interested in all kind of dramas and romances that other people engaged in. It it not a loss. It is the birth of a higher, more loving quality born of the fullness of experience. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands.

Soul
Amen. Yea, previously I would be in the drama with them. But now, I just don't want to. I am ignoring my mind.
Even when I couldn't do suria. I improvise and just continue.

4. What is needed for resolution. New Vision
When u open up to the ultimate, immediately it pours into u. U r no longer an ordinary human being - u have transcended. Ur insight has become the insight of the whole existence. Now u r no longer separate - u have found ur roots.
U r presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and we come to know from experience that the dark and difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.

Soul
Yday, I saw the various situations as attacking. Today I see them as just friendly. Except for AD case whereby it hit more on the 'rejection' mode and I don't mind being an unpopular person.
(Evening - once I changed my perception, everything ends well)

5. The Understanding
We are the World
Only in celebration do we meet the ultimate, the eternal. Only in celebration, do we go beyond the circle of birth and death.
A time of communication, of sharing the riches that each of us brings to the whole. It is a circle without fear of feelings of inferiority and superiority. We are linked together in the exquisite patter of eternal creation.


Nov 3 Even
Father, my left shoulder still stiff for 2nd day. I wish it to be healed so I can do proper suria namaskara.
Samyama meditation, followed by Shoonya and end with Shakti. The sequence seem ok, but I felt myself rushing at Shakti. Somehow Samyama has more pull. I can do it for half an hour. I guess since shoonya and breathe watching is easy for me, combined, samyama becomes easy too.
Father, why after samyama, the joints become more painful. Also, shakti is more sluggish than before the rest.
Forgiveness - who didn't I forgive. A tot came - me.