Samyama Refresher (8)

Oct 31 Eve
Father, attended the mahasathsang. It was cancelled due to outpouring rain. I saw the teacher and I can see myself having negative tot, pretend don't want to see him cos he didn't seek me out. I told myself, another compulsive tot and I really want to thank him for bringing me to samyama.
I managed to get a chance to thank him. When I saw him, he wanted to shake my hand, I was caught off guard cos I tot they are untouchable.
Then my mind begin on compulsive tot that he might be keen. Real scary. Father, its not 'funny' to see all ur tots. I already knew about the shits in my mind, but to see all the compulsive tots.
Then we have people joined us. There was a beautiful gal. I like her. Then she told me she is married to a person who runs a biz, immediately I tot she married well. Then tot of envy comes into pix and I can see feeling of lack arise in me, and I start to feel bad. First tot was, such a compulsive emotion. This time, I told myself, that I don't want to go there. Alas, managed to snap away after 10 min of breathe watching.
The mind was tricky, it turned to the teacher again, going thru the part that he wanted to shake hand, hinting something there. I says, another compulsion. Firstly, I am not keen and secondly he is just being a good teacher. I used breathe watching to turn it down.

Father, I can earn good money on my own and I am happy and can be myself at ease. That's count. All in all, I now have the tool. Need not be afraid.

Father, just now teacher asked about my samyama experience. Actually to me, I normally disregard my experience cos to me it is not 'me', it resulted from the flow of energy contained in the program. So, since I don't create it, I don't own it. Secondly, it doesn't last. Thirdly, I knew the experience doesn't really equate to any transformation per se. It just experience come and go. To me, I was excited about my explosive experience with Vijii and also Sadhguru's altar.