Cosmic Lesson (72) - wavering of ending (4)

Jun 27 aft

Father, deep within me, I wonder why Z couldn't be with me. We have such great time and we fit each other so well. Why doesn't he think I am worth it? Why doesn't he give us a chance? Why can't he take a risk?
I have 2 options. I could either think his ability to love is becos he can't do so now as he has to stick to his plan. If that's the case, I should know cos he already told me that we on touch and go and these 1.5 years he cannot commit to anyone. He just want to focus on his education and business.

Aiyah. Forget it. Don't want to prolong tots of him in me. Just let go.

Day card
Five of Hearts
Speaks of changes and restlessness in ur heart which can manifest in many ways. At the deepest level, u will probably be feeling a dissatisfaction with ur current rship or home situation and desire some sort of change.
When this card appears, there is always the chance of separation or divorce with someone u love.
Highest manifestation
Going out meeting new people, telling others abt what u r doing and who u r. U can make important contacts when this card is around.

1. The Issue
Compromise
Don't be clever, otherwise u will remain the same, u will not change. Half techniques on the path of love and half techniques on the path of meditation will create much confusion in u. They will not help...But to ask for help is against the ego, so u try to compromise.
Compromise may be a way of not going in either direction or it may just be a repression of ur confusion. It will assert later.
And if u r confused, remember u r confused. This will be the clear cut thing about u. And u have started on the journey.

Soul
P was supportive of me. S said I am running away cos I felt insecure and I want to be in control. When she said that it hit me. But I did defend and says that some parameter/self preservation is good. Besides I didn't run away first few times. And this time I broke down cos I was sad that I can't have him for keep. He brought me back to feeling of unlovability and I no longer want that. I am lovable and I deserve more.
S has always been on path of love and so is D. That's why I don't want to talk to D. I have chose the path of meditation and I will stay put.

My issue is I am intense emotionally and going on Path of love will destroy me. I must go on meditation path. It has worked well for me for past 3 years and 7thunder card also said its Pluto Seven of Heart. So, I will abide.
Today I am edgy. Just not my day and I need to lay low and persevere in my decision. So, I admit I am bit confuse cos so many tots of Z or could this be just a Pluto challenge of attachment.
And knowing abt M and S makes me think I have an obligation to fulfill, to walk by example. Set myself free.
Suddenly a tot came, there is many way to set myself free. Father, I am not sure, could this be the attachment mode. Father, I cannot trust myself anymore. I am worried I waiver and lost my Self-Mastery path. Father, I really don't know.

2. Internal influence
The Outsider
When we feel left out, excluded, it brings up feeling of being a small helpless child. Because it is deep rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape, in our lives. You now have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough" to be accepted and included. Recognise this roots of these feeling in the past and let go of old pain. It will bring u clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
You cannot see it, so u have to go deep down with great awareness, watchfulness, witnessing, and u will find the connection. The buddha is the connection!

Soul
When I got this card after our 1st break up talk. I was energised and instead of worried he would reject me, I said he wanted me and we will talk our way through. He also seems keen to do so but alas, the spanner of his ex marrying made him go back and he close all the way up.
A tot came, nope, he did try to talk about other options, he didn't want to end it. You drop the line.
I drop it because I don't want to get myself hooked. I don't want the insecurity, the uncertainty and it doesn't change. He may want me now but he didn't want me for keep.
So, now I am not sure. I don't know where this card means anymore.

3. External Influence of which u r aware
The miser
The moment u become miserly u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing.
The moment u start to cling to things, u have missed the target - things r not the target, you, your innermost being is the target. An open being, available to millions of things.

This card challenges us to look at what we r clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. Like a well that is sealed up and become stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if u refused to share. Whatever u r holding on to, remember u can't take it. Loosen ur grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.

Soul
What I now cling on is my self-respect, self preservation, self-control. If I lost this, I lost my self mastery. I invested too much.
Father, how come suddenly tot of me and Al. Me breaking down and her asking me to patch up and I said nope. Of cos, the next lesson was M.
Father, guide me. I really don't know. I need to hold on to my self-control.


3. What is needed for resolution?
The burden
A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. The truth cannot be achieved, it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped. All aims and ends and ideals and goals and idealogies, are lies.
See the lie, look deep into the lie of ur personality. In seeing of the lie, it disappears, and what is left is the truth.

Soul
Father, suddenly it occur to me the analogy. When I was a kid, I let go of self control and played and got burned. Now the same thing with Z. I let go of my control, I played and got burned.
Something here... Father, please help me to see with clarity. I am confused.
I stop playing for many years and now with Z. I don't want to be afraid to play anymore. I am afraid.
A tot occurred to me when S said she wanted to play. I was so scared for her that she let go of her self control.

5. Resolution
Inner Voice
If u found ur truth within urself, there is nothing more in this whole existence to find.
There are times in our lives when too many voices seem to be pulling us this way and that. Our very confusion in such situations is a reminder to seek silence and centering within. Only then are we able to hear our truth.