Jun 30 Aft
Father, I felt thankfulness for Z. I am slowly but surely accepted the ending in peacefully.
I now understand his power of control is derived from his determination in overcoming all his challenges. And I now look at my challenge in letting go of him. I can and will do.
I also no longer take it personally that he doesn't care enough for me to change his plan. Actually he is just determined to keep to his plans and its his virtue and its what attract me to him in the first place. So, I can fault something that I have applauded and something I wanted for myself. Let me take this situation to bring up my own personal power, just be like him.
I wish him all the best and hope he gets what he wants. He deserved it.
And I also know that the ending is good for me. I deserved to be loved correctly. My Nine of Heart in Pluto in 2009 gave rise to Ace of Heart in 2010.
And it is clear to me. My lovability is dependent on me loving myself and not how others love me. Their love for me is dependent on their own lovability and not mine.
Just now tot of putting in my personal msg; "Be true to yourself, whatever you are is good"
But I decided that I am still fragile. There will be no at all communication until sathsang day.
Just now I did shoonya and I went in deep. So peaceful. Amen. Thanks to Sadhguru.
And today I finally got a response from Infinite Publishing. I will sign up with them later. For now I want to complete my reading. Tomorrow I will take half day off so I can read the book.
The Science of Mind
That which defiles
Not what we eat or drink, but what we think, defiles. The issues of lifes from within. If a man is clean in his mind, then is he clean indeed. We must keep the mental house free from any thought which contradict the truth of being.
Life is what consciousness makes it.
Let's each resolve to be true to himself, true to his inner light, true to the Truth, as he understands it. Truth alone can endure.
Soul
Now I knew why my spiritual experience is going fine without me going veg. Its all in the mind.
Father, these last one week, I found myself not so easy to bend. Suddenly a tot came, u r developing will power. Z can never bend and his will power is great. Mmm, I am not sure about that. I am thinking if I am resisting something.
The Science of Mind
A steadfast determination to attain some purpose, the letting go of all that opposes it, a complete reliance upon the Law of Good, and an unqualified trust in Spirit - this is true fasting and real prayer.
Seven of Diamond
Whether it is about money, or plans to make money or love, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Jun 30 Eve
Father, I did my practice. At first I was lost in tots of Z, especially our last night together. Then I was fine during samyama.
Father, I know and accepted the ending and I also didn't want to start again. But that doesn't stop me from wanting him.
This afternoon, coincidentally met the expat in the elevator. We were both late. Alas, no tot of attraction and infact he smells of tobacco. Previously I didn't mind smokers but now that I had Z, I prefer non smokers. When u don't like to smoke and don't smoke, u would prefers non smoker too. At least, I won't judge Z.
Father, I still feel slight stiffness on higher back and my plough back is not as great. What is it??
Father, I want him but I can't have him. And I know I will be unhappy if I stay with him. Mmm, tonite I miss him loads.
Father, I need to focus on my writing to forget Z.
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