Cosmic Lesson (74) - wavering of ending (6)

Jul 11 Aft
Father, meeting was called off. And I decided to go on mc as the cold is not getting better. If I see now, by Thursday I will be fine for guru poornima and Friday for lassik.

Check on the Eczema
Breath taking antagonism
Mental eruptions/turmoil

Well, at first I was having angry tots at Z and I also face turmoil in letting go. Seeing him again brings back memories that I tot I forgotten. Especially more so, when he too doesn't want to let go. He wanted to have his cake and eat too.
Yesterday I claimed I didn't want him and said I was disappointed but my dream claimed otherwise.

1. The Issue
Projections
The man and woman in this card are facing each other, yet they are not able to see each other clearly. Each is projecting an image they have constructed in their minds, covering the real face of the person they are looking at. We project whenever we r not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgements; instead of taking responsibility for them and owning them, we try to attribute them to others.
Does what u see in others really belong to u? Is ur vision clear or clouded by what u want to see!

Soul
I am flabbergasted at Z. I tot we clearly said we r over and I went through the turmoil of break up. To Z, it is not over and he even had the gall to ask me why I didn't call him for so long and start to tickle me. Arrogant bastard!

I am angry at him and if he really wanted me, why didn't he call. He let us break up and now expect me to return.

I am angry cos I tot my lesson is over but looks like its not. I told God that if I am meant to still be with him, he will be back. And looks like God is giving me answers.
The question is whether;
1. I didn't do a total drop and now have to complete it; or
2. I have to continue with him, but negotiated terms
3. I have to continue status quo - worst case.

But the thing is even negotiated term I am also worried cos I am not sure I want to be entangled in his financial drama. He is in bad shape and still not facing facts.

If status quo, means I have lost myself. To me, I don't love myself enough to give myself a committed rship which is what I want.
I really don't know. What I know is I want him physically. My body is hungry for him. Then I am worried if I could be such a shallow person and someone who doesn't love myself.
And if I go in, I am not sure if I can handle myself and this time we would have complete the cycle. Knowing us, it would be wonderful, which makes it hard even harder to break.
Father, I don't want to feel hurt again.

What am I projecting on him???

2. Internal influence
Healing
The less the head, the more the wound will heal; with no head there is no wound.
Move as a total being, and accept things. It is time when the deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface, ready and available to be healed.
When we are under the healing influence of the King of Water, we are no longer hiding from ourselves or others.
In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed, and help others also to be healthy and whole.

Soul
Not sure if I am right. I tot of my judgement on Z and his need for status, his financial drama. I want financial security.
Then I tot of my need for freedom and no children. He wants children.
For him, how people view him is important, his dream is Eight of Heart
For me, having personal and financial freedom, I am then freed to pursue my dream of Self mastery. I just want to rest and be freed of any obligation and responsibility.
So, we both don't get everything we want.

Father, suddenly a positive tot came. If after my break up drama, Z still let me be and waiting for me to come back to him. He is bigger than me.

I broke up with him because I don't want to be hurt. I cannot have a break up looming over my head. I cannot have someone asking me to control my feeling.
I don't want drama.

3. External influence
We are the world
Life has been given to u to create, and to rejoice and to celebrate.
When u cry and weep, when u r miserable, u r alone.
When u celebrate, the whole existence participates