I created my own world of unlovability (4)

Jul 15 Evening
Today still purge water. And I recall this mornin at 3 am, I wanted to vomit at the same time, but I hold it back.

Finished my practices and immediately I have the strength to vomit. I vomit everything out of me.


I don't like to vomit, I don't mind purging. Vomit leaves a bad taste in my mouth. After the vomit, I felt much better.
I am glad this happen now, at home rather than in samyama.
This is the clearing after my discovery of my core belief on what makes me lovable and my realisation that I need not do anything to be lovable. Even a valueless person is lovable. Now finally I understand what the Existence card means.
As long as I am, Existence cares for me.


Sadhguru
The very purpose of putting a group of people together is to help u understand ur likes and dislikes, which are the basis of all the limitations u have set for urself as a person.
Take a careful look at ur personality; you will see that it is just a bundle of likes and dislikes. These likes and dislikes have risen from ur enslavement to the duality of life, which is the bedrock of ignorance.
The very word 'yoga' means to transcend this duality and know the oneness of existence. You like or dislike something simply because somewhere deep down u have identified it as either good or bad. Whatever u identify as good you can't help liking and whatever u identify as bad, u can't help disliking.
Shiva is a complex amalgamation of all that's beautiful, ugly, pleasant, good and bad. They made him the highest so that in accepting him, u accept everything.
You transcend the limitations of your likes and dislikes, and in turn, your dualities.




Soul
Just now when I was thinking that I may be too much in meditation since I lost my value in work. Wondering if I am seeking my value in meditation instead. 2nd tot came immediately, meditation can never be too much. Besides I don't do on Sunday.


Cloud of Unknowing.
That in all other work beneath this, men should keep discretion; but in this none.
In this work, shalt thou hold no measure: for I would thou shouldest never cease of this work whiles thou livest.


Soul

I recall when I read Sadhguru, it also talk about ernesty and focus in spiritual practices for it to be fruitful.
So, ignore the mind. I can't imagine, despite purging since 3 am, I am still doing my practices.




Cloud of Unknowing
That by indiscretion in this, men shall keep discretion in all other things; and surely else never.
Do this work evermore without ceasing and without discretion, and thou shalt well ken begin and cease in all other works with a great discretion.




Soul
Message to continue ahead. Like GM says I do have the discipline. And now coupled with loss of value in work, who knows I may strive for value here. But no worries, I be fine. Cos meditation does not need 'to be controlled', unlike other avenues.


(Aug 8 - I used to dislike it when people says I am disciplined. I guess its reflect the 'pushing authority' I have on myself. Nowadays, I will just tell people, I am disciplined. Funnily, the word no longer affects me.)



Osho - Nanak
Suffering - u r trying to steer ur life without God. Having set him aside, u have trusted yourself too much and taken urself to be too clever; there is no other reason for ur unhappiness.
Happiness - u have set ur cleverness and intellect aside, giving no credence to ur abilities but experiencing him in everything; you have begun to live more in him and less in yourself. Ultimately you may dwell entirely in him.


Soul
So true, my core belief in lovability was wrong and resulted in suffering. I let go of my belief and start afresh. Suddenly tot of my purging/vomit as letting go of all my past.




Osho - Nanak
Sometimes he gives and thus creates you.
Sometimes he takes away and in so doing you evolve further!
Sometimes suffering is necessary because sorrow wakes you up, makes you conscious.

In happiness you are lost and sleepy. In suffering, you awaken.


Like a boat that need two oars to move, a man walks with 2 feet and 2 hand. In life, u need night and day, joy and sorrow, birth and death; or else the boat keeps on going round and round, reaching nowhere.


Soul
P shared with me that S affect her and she is trying to see the mirror.


Suddenly tot of S and his belief of ulterior motive in people. He felt justified in being a victim and that God will teach the other person their lesson (karma). And I admit I can be taken in cos I too had such belief whenever am down. But when I am up, am fine. S need to re-look. From now on, need to steer the boat for him.
I used to be frustrated that this conflict among them has happen. (Aug 8 - guess its a reflection of me not being a good leader.)

Then one day, I decide to let it play and now it no longer affect me as much as before. Today I tot that they are also here to teach me, since I too judged about God's ulterior motive that caused me suffering. Alas, now that I know is me, wonder too about S.
Even d scolding incident wit CEO is a true blessing.
Tot of D and SY cases, both also teaching for me.


Osho - Nanak
When a person begins to perceive, knowing that he is in everything, he is filled with thanksgiving; even when sorrow comes, he accepts it cheerfully.
When u accept his joy and u accept his sorrow equally, then joy is no longer joy, sorrow is no longer sorrow; the dividing line is lost.
When u begin to look upon them impartially, ur attachment to joy and rejection of suffering are both broken and u stand apart, free from both, having arrived at the attitude of witness then u shall be rid of sorrow and carry home joy


Soul
Amen.