I created my own world of unlovability

Jul 14
Father, today felt sleepy. Guess was bit tired. Good thing is that wrist swelling has reduced.

Also tot of d front reception carpet. Not the best, but is the best there as I need to combine brightness and ability to withstand dirt. Ego says CEO will scold me. First tot, I have done my best. If she insist, buy again. 2nd tot, its ok if I am worthless, and not able to select value. (Aug 8 - She likes the carpet as it looks grand. Again, a classic example of how ego always work to reduce our worth.)


Besides that the blast may be good for me as what my Osho card says, blessing in disguise; don't escape it. The previous blast led me to my unlovability and later my value system. So, that is great. A half an hour scolding for such massive discovery. I can pay the price.

Father, for me the 'hurt' part was that selection by me is not valuable. Coming from me, not valuable and it makes me feel down. Ah hah, maybe this carpet is just another example. I used to be compulsive and felt bad, or need to defend. Now jus accept it, my selection is not a measure of who I am.

The colleague attachment is power. Just send a msg to her
This mornin, tot of u. A word came : Power.
Perhaps its not productivity that u were attached to.
When u grown up, suddenly u realised if u assert yourself, u have power and that feel great.
I recall u mention that ur dad is powerless and ur family is powerless in ur grandfather household and somewhere u decided u will be powerful. And ur power comes from assertion of urself; driving urself.

Also tot of u and CEO. She is powerful like ur grandfather. Perhaps ur friction with her is that with her, ur 'power' lessen and u didn't like it.
CEO used power to assert others and u used power to assert urself. Perhaps that's the mirror.

Father, mirrors running around everywhere. My mirror with CEO is valuation and her mirror with CEO is power.

Radical Forgiveness.
Our core belief also have certain frequency. Other people resonate with the energetic frequency of that belief; in other words, they vibrate sympathetically at the same rate with it. When they do so, they are attracted into our lives to mirror our beliefs back to us. This gives us a chance to look and, if necessary, change our minds about that belief.
It is not only negative beliefs that get mirrored back to us. For eg, if we are loving and trusting, we will tend to attract people into our lives who are likewise trustworthy and nurturing.

Soul
What a coincidence. A book truly meant for me.
My belief that internal valuation equal to worthiness, equals to lovability is the mirror of CEO's external valuation.
I am willing to change this. Becos the mind is endless and I don't want to keep on having to prove or justify my existence. It is so tiring, I am exhausted and resentful. RA is the result of over-exertion.

Father, one of my main resentment is that I always seem to have to justify my existence, to prove my worth before I can get recognition/respect/love.
I am always envious of people who didn't have to do anything and is loved.

It has nothing to do with God punishing me, God thinks m not lovable. It has to do with my own core belief that my worth is attached to the valuation of my deliverables. No one, nothing did this to me, except myself. Father, forgive me.
You loved me and I didn't realise. It was me who is hurting myself.
You love me so that today I didn't get my usual breakfast table and hence got this secluded place that I can cry.
You love me that u send LY to give me the book on Radical Forgiveness, Flower essence's inner child.

Father, why? Where did this belief comes from? At home, we never had to prove ourselves. We never shared our result or salary figure. We were never asked to excel.
Only thing is that I don't wan to be poor and I don't want to be look down, I want the freedom to eat what I want. I want to be free. I guess the price to pay is to have success.
Mom's word; Study hard, find a good job. Make a good life. Be a valuable person.
Don't know lah. Perhaps just my karmic issue.

My need for self worth drive me to over assert to give valuable deliverable; rejecting anything that can reduce my worth - failure of any new thing; low value tasks, eating low taste food, rejection from lover.
I don't want to be put in a position where my valuation is questioned.
That's the reason I left WY company, I left SG, why I wanted to leave current company a year and half ago. That's also the reason why I don't want a partner.

Father, I live in a fearful world. My core belief of valuation-worth-love is the root. It has given me some success but it has eliminated all opportunities. No wonder, my decision making - eliminate the negative, left the neutrel and positive situation.
Problem is what I perceive negative arise from my fear of failure.

Arthritis
Cause - Feeling unloved. Criticism and resentment
Affirmation - I am love. I now choose to love and approve of myself. I see others with love

Arthritis fingers.
Cause - A desire to punish. Blame. Feeling victimised.
Affirmation - I see with love and understanding. I hold all my experiences up to the light of love.

Rheumatoid Arthritis
Cause - Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.
Affirmation
I am my own authorty.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.

Soul
Louis Hay is so right. Will check out on fat arm.

(Aug 8 - no wonder I got RA. I have wrongly evaluated myself. Wrongly tot that God doesn't love and how can God love me. Wrongly tot I am not lovely, I am. Wrongly tot I am not clever, I am very intelligent. I gave my authority to You, Father. I cannot trust myself.)

7thunder card
10 of Spade - success and satisfaction in achieving my goals.

Soul - my goal is to find the belief of my unlovability; found the valuation and also found out I created my own unlovability. I created the justification for my existence. No one asked it of me, only I did. I am my own authority.