Breakthru on control/valuation

Sept 3

Father, asanas were effortless even though I was distracted. My right elbow has almost recovered.
Was thinking of my issue with authority. Alas, it was my brother. The timing is great. He is coming back tonight. Also tomorrow is Soul Sisters workshop and Sunday is IE initiation.
Really didn't expect this breakthrough and perhaps that's what it meant, my chain and bracelet broke. And I have mended it and now wearing.

Heal Ur life
The more u dwell on what u don't want, the more of it u create.


Soul
Father, I want to do Humanmetrics, 7thunder cards, Osho and also Radical Forgiveness.
For years, I tot the incident was the one that make me a control freak. Alas, it was not. It was my wrong interpretation and wrong solution.
And I never knew where my authority issue arise as both parents gave us absolute freedom except for emotional outburst among siblings.
Perhaps that's where my anger lies. My anger at brother for always restraining me was suppressed and also my sadness at brother also suppressed.
Alas, d incident. Now I think back, I played with others and tot I can played with him too. But I didn't enjoy it and then don't know how to stop it as I was embarassed that I let it go so far. I was in control of my emotion. Alas, its not becos I lost control that I let it continue. Its becos I was in control that I let it continue.
Father, I always have the power of control since I was a child. Despite so much criticism by my brother. Actually, now looking back, he just want to protect me from being hurt. Telling me all my weakness so I could defend myself. Who knows, maybe that's why I am a strategist. The thing I hated most was him asking me to do housework. Until now I don't know why I dislike housework, it can move me to tears.
Aiyah, I know now. Its becos of my valuation. I perceived housework as low value and doing it would reduce my valuation. We r already poor and I don't want to lower my valuation any further.
I am not lazy, I just don't like to do anything that can lower my valuation. I recalled that I told my mom that I will earn enough money and hired a maid to do all the houseworks as it is not meant for me to do. I use my brain and not my hands.
All these years, I tot I was lazy and would never tot I am disciplined or hardworking. I dislike when people says m hardworking, disciplined and etc. I couldn't take it cos I tot it was not me.
Only now after doing meditation, that I know m disciplined and hardworking.

Mmm, this is similar to CEO. Its not that she like shopping, its just that she cannot have any possession that can lower her valuation.

Father, such a big big circle. All these years, I tot control issue was my weakness and something that need to be handled. I try ways and means to lose it. The last 2 years of eating double and sleeping double release it.
I tot I have wrongly exerted controls over myself.
The real truth is not the control but its the self-criticism I have for myself.
Now I know its my Control, my Self-Mastery that's is inherent in me.

Father, I love U. Thanks for being with me throughout my journey. You led me safely and patiently. Alas, I am at home. Alas, I know I create my world. Alas, I love my Control. I love myself.

And on my husband, I now know why I wanted money, intelligence. Becos this are things that will increase his valuation and mine too. So, I don't have to criticise myself.

Alas, ... It all boils down to my valuation.
Suddenly tot of C. Now I know why I was disappointed and want to end the rship. Its becos I wrongly perceived her value. And I now viewed her as someone that can lower my valuation.

Why do I give power to others that they are able to lower my valuation, my worth.
Becos, I gave the power to my brother to lower my valuation.

Father, I am going in deeper. The self-criticism is not the root. The root is me valuing myself in relation to my output (job, work, task, housework, emotion) and my input (friends, boyfriends, husband, food, books, family, boss and colleagues)

A tot came, I think I am god (as mentioned by LY). Nope, I think I valued myself as if I am the Ultimate Judge, ie god. What if my valuation mode is flawed, extreme, then I die standing cos anything I do will not be valuable enough.

Father, this valuation mode exist since I was young.

My constant questions to God 1. Why U so hard on me and so easy on others?
2. Why do I always need to prove my worth?
3. Why u give me knowledge and want me to share. Why so hard on me?

My answer was God doesn't love m and hence give me a challenging life.

This is actually me thinking that my brother doesn't love me, always criticising me on my deficiencies and always give me challenging time, ie to do housework. Forcing me to do something I hated.

My brother is not hard on me. Now I recalled his advice and his love for me.

Father, U r not hard on me. My brother is not hard on me. I am hard on myself.

I don't have to judge myself. I am not God. I don't know the values of things.
I don't have to value myself and hence I don't have to value others too.

Perhaps that's why I don't validate people cos I have extreme high standard. I also don't validate myself. I validate myself only when I prove myself worthy of it, same like others.
Since I validate and approve myself only when I achieve, I keep on seeking challenges.
And perhaps this Self-Mastery path is just another challenge that I sought so ask to validate myself.
Who am I to judge others?
Who am I to judge myself?

Now I realise what LY meant by me playing God. Yeap, I played the role of God with myself.
I released my role as the Judge. I I released my valuation mode as I no longer need to value myself, just like I don't need to weigh myself, just like I don't need to time my sleeping hours. I need not put any measurement, any parameters.

I am priceless. Everyone is priceless.

Father, my anger on C is gone. I want to thank her. Now this is it.
Osho
The Issue - Slowing down
The essence is at ease. Each moment one can be at ease with oneself - not trying to improve, not cultivating anything, not practising anything.

It is time when u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about yourself or other people, and to take responsibility for any illusions you might have been carrying.
There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who r r right now. If desires, dreams and hopes are fading away. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way you have never been able to before.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest, and recognising that u r already home.

Soul
Alas, I experience the meaning of the card.

2. Internal - Abundance
When u become existential, u become whole.

Soul - I feel fulfilled now. Need not create anymore value for myself. Need not judge myself anymore. I am existence. I am complete. I am whole.

3. External influence -Schizophrenia (split mind)
You cannot do pro and con to find the answer. Just jump - your heart will start beating so fast that there will be no mistake about where it is

Soul
Yeap, I jumped in deep.
For years, the answer delude me and now I got it.


4. What is needed for resolution - Sorrow
Times of sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But u need to go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity

Soul
I now experience the card. No wonder elbow pain is nearly gone.

5. Resolution - Miser.
Things are not the target. Ur innermost being, is the target, not a beautiful u, a valuable u, not many things, but an open being, available to millions of things.

Soul
I was always afraid to lose, to be rejected as I couldn't afford my valuation to go down.
Now I know no one and no thing can affect me. Infact, I need not be valued. I cannot be valued as GoD doesn't do valuation, only human does.

Yeap, I am open already and ready to experience whatever comes my way.