Uncertainty due to drop in valuation (2)

Sept 2
Father, today suria was effortless. My right elbow pain has reduced so much. Thank U.
I am feeling bit sleepy today. Tot of d Initiation day, will go.

Osho
1. The Issue - Slowing down
Each moment one has to be at ease with oneself - not trying to improve, not cultivating anything, not practicing anything.
The essence is as ease.
Do whatever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm and detached.
Let go of any expectations u hav had about urself or other people, and to take responsibility for any illusion u might have been carrying.
Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.

Soul
The thing with GM/CEO seems to be working out. GM can't leave and CEO can't let her go. So, its staying intact, only thing is more openness.
What am I worried abt? Yea, my 3 years retirement. What if I don't have a career in writing by then. Also, not sure on d website progress as V is also busy with his new biz.
Aiyah, just relax.

Now I know why am worried, its the valuation after retirement. What is my valuation now? Father, my self esteem is really low. Keep on seeking to reinstate my valuation by doing something or overcoming challenges... Same as CEO need to hold on to position and money for her valuation.
I deserved a break, no need to prove my worthiness again and again. Remember its just me, not God who is pushing me. And RA is a result of me pushing myself.
I will work towards being a Catalyst Writer and Counselor as it is my Destiny and I enjoyed it and as for retirement, need not set deadline. Just focus on my Destiny as Catalyst.

2. Internal Influence that u r unable to see
Abundance
Zorba the Buddha who hold a lotus, showing he respects and contain himself the grace of feminine. He exposed belly and chest show that he is at home with his masculinity as well, utterly self-contained.
If u r a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of your own male energies into ur life, a union with the soul mate within.

3. External influence of which u r aware - Schizophrenia.
Man is split. If u want to say 'yes', immediately the "no" is there. You cannot even utter a simple word "yes" with totality.

The whole purpose of Zen is to drop the division of mind, how to be undivided, integrated, centred.

Soul
Guess while I know my destiny is to be a Catalyst Writer, am not sure if I can be successful one. Or perhaps valuation mode is questioning whether this will give me the valuation I need.
Mmm, just like CEO incurring huge debt to retain her valuation, I am incurring huge energy to retain my valuation too. Me, pushing myself constantly resulting in RA.

What is needed for resolution? Sorrow
This pain is not to make u sad, remember. This pain is just to make u alert - because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wound them.
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u more aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Time of great sorrow has the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self pity.

Soul
Tot of my RA pain.
RA is holding me in place of my Destiny as I want to heal myself.
I now acknowledge RA is from pushing too much. Will be aware whenever I push myself out of need to retain valuation.

5. Resolution
The Miser
The moment u become miserly u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life; expansion, sharing.
The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed ur target. Because things are not the target, ur innermost being, is the target, an open being available to millions of things.

Soul
Father, You have given me the Knowledge and I have It. I am worried if I share the Knowledge, it may be perceive as less valuable than I know it is. Why waste it or perhaps why do I need to be rejected.
Sharing is putting me out on a limb. What if its just me who thinks is Knowledge worth sharing and there is no recipient. Wouldn't that be loss of valuation.
I already have lost valuation in work and don't want to reduce it further by exposing my Knowledge. People may judge me as not knowing enough.
I don't want to prove my worthiness to them.

Aiyah, now I know why resentment towards opening up my knowledge.

Anger - why can't people learn on their own. Why God love others more than me.
Hurt - why God must have me teach them. Why he need to make me payback for the Knowledge.
Guilt - Knowledge is responsibility.
Fear - I am not sure I am good enough. I am not sure if I have enough Knowledge to share.
Love - when I give, I receive. the Sharing is for me too. To complete my Being.