Fear on the past comes in

Dec 20
Father, I was tired today. Woke up when alarm rang but body really tired, so I slept back. Put alarm at 5.30 am but body not doable and I immediately slept back and woke up 6.43 am. I shower and did my shambavi.

Towards the end, tots came in. My body, heart and energy say Yes to going back to Z. Only my mind says No cos not sure if can handle the hurt when Z leaves me. Not confident that he will turn around and change his mind. Not sure if I m being stupid on betting on him.

When I was in Ashram, I know Z is worth the pain. But now I m not sure if I can handle the pain or rather, whether it is worth it. I guess the weighing scale has shifted. The end balance depends on how much fear I am feeling.

My Osho cards this week is really telling.

1. Issue
Awareness
Mind can never be intelligent. Only no-mind is intelligent. Only no mind is original and radical.

The mind gives u a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by projection of the future, u go on living at the minimum. U don't live at the maximum. Ur flame remains very dim.

Once u start dropping tots, the dust that u have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Ur whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without smoke. That is what awareness is.

A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help u to become detached, and a new awareness will lift the veil from ur eyes.

Soul
Well, yday I knew I was a fake. I and everyone tot I am fearless, able to handle stress. In reality, I can't and it was my auto control that kept everything intact.