Got angry cos I lost my approvals

Dec 3 eve
Father, what a drama day. But this time I didn't keep quiet when I felt that I was being made to look as the party in wrong. K's email is very down putting, basically telling me off for not following protocol and have no right as I m not the sathsang head for Dec.  At first I just swallowed in resentment and apologised. But later I found the email from C that said I tot C made a mistake n hence override her instruction.

That was totally not true and I had to correct it. I don't want to suppress this. Just like I took the beatings from S, I no longer want to take another beating without good reason. I m quite conscious n would normally admit my fault once I knew I m wrong. I m fine apologising humbly. But this one I did not do intentionally. I was only trying to help. And C, whom I tried to help didn't even defend me. I may be wrong but I felt she now claimed ignorance as usual. And I have to be the bad one.

My first tot was to shared with Z. Then I remember I cannot reach for him anymore. I shared with my staff on C being a Jack of Clubs.

I came back do my Shoonya. I needed the release. Then I cried cos I lost Z and I lost my standing in Isha. I wonder why. Then I realised that her emphasis that dec is not my sathsang n hence I should not interfere. I cried cos I was angry n hurt cos I lost their approval. It was the little child in me crying for approval.

In actual fact, all my sathsang email except for report, I includes C in the loops. And yet she didn't includes me in her email to N despite my SMS to her and especially with the change in venue.

And the worst case is that they reduced the hall size when our original and agreed proposal was for a bigger hall than our normal size. Because of their lack of commitment, they forgot to book the bigger hall and I was asked to cancel our current hall.

I was the lead sathsang guide for two and half years and I m not privy to one sathsang. I did it for people. And they didn't appreciate it at all. All the while I handled without hiccup cos I followed closely. Never once kudos for good job but for this miscomm, I was berated.

My wish is I got pull out from being a sathsang guide. I will make the final call once I come back from Ashram.

Father, they claimed they love to volunteer and it is joy to them, but commitment to execution is misplaced. I who declared I don't like volunteering give my full commitment once I m given the responsibility.

Aiyoh, 11.30 pm already and I cannot sleep yet. Stills need some clearing.

3 Clubs with Ace of Spades in Ruling _ worry, indecision, mental stress
 - ending of rship with new company, ending with S, ending of my mask of self pride, opening up of fears.

3 of Spades with 7 of Hearts in Destiny - indecision, fear and physical stress.
Splitting ourselves into 2 so that we worked 2 jobs.

Soul
Tot I resigned from the new company and is freed. But I still got to work on it. So stressed for me and my team.
Thank god is ending 6 Dec, and I got my payroll freelancer in on 7 Dec and I m leaving for Ashram on 8 Dec.
Next period is Jupiter.

Just saw Z changed his display pix. I knew he is sharing with me. I can see but I can no longer contact him. My tears fell.  I love him n I need to be away so I can forget him. Time will heal.