Fear of losing approval received

Dec 4
Father, I couldn't sleep yesterday. They probably slept well. I m really affected by people's opinions of me. I do seek approvals.

I get agitated when people criticised me for things which I m good at. I m not bothered at all about things I m not good at.

Yesterday did my journal till nearly 12 am and so put alarm at 5.30 am. I couldn't sleep for next 45 min and then I watch my breath and slowly the mind stops and I slept.

I spend longer in breath meditation, shakti n shambhavi was fine. I really enjoyed surka kriya that I forget about the pain on my elbow. I just enjoy my breathe, feelings it through each lungs. I was laughing in the end. It has been quite a while since I laugh so much during morning practices. I guess these last 2 days stress is finally released.

This Mars period is really stressful and I kept on losing my positions. The good thing is that it reminds me why I started on my journey.

This week Osho card.
1. The issue
The Outsider
Whenever we feel left out or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. The problem is that it is so deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U now have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.

Soul
Now alas I truly experienced this. The feelings of being unwanted. I suppressed it for so long. As a child, I hide it and try to circumvent by becoming cheerful to continues getting attention, being included by others but not my own family.

I now recalled this is the same card I get the day that Z had to leave me n see his friends. It was not only the rship issue but also my child issue. I felt excluded. What I want was to be hold. 

So, k email send me a msg that I m excluded. That's what caught me. I also recalled when T supported N instead of me, I too felt excluded.

Father, thank u