Approval obtained from making others dependent on me

Dec 4 eve
Mmm, my journal for afternoon session was accidentally deleted. I can see The Outsider Card as my karma. And finally with 4 years of meditation, I can have the antidote of Friendliness Card.

First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful, being alone is also beautiful.  U don't depends on others and u don't make others dependent on u. Then it is always a friendliness. It never become a relationship. There is no urgency, no neediness, no desire to change the other into something else. U r no longer interested in all kinds of dramas and romances that other people engaged in. It is not a loss. It is a birth of a higher, more loving quality born of the fullness of experience. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands








Soul
I can finally see the fruits of my Self-mastery journey. Last week insight that my whole life is seeking unconscious approval opened the door.

Sadhguru saying that the conqueror is enslaved to conqueree is true. It is similar to me making others dependent on me. Once their dependence reach its limit, I felt the burden; hence The Burden. Card that I received frequently.

Today I finally sought my own sexual release. I cried in pleasure cos Z is not with me. It has been more than 3 years since I needed such release. Yea, don't have to depend on Z for my release. In order to truly walk the path of Friendliness, Z is the first one I had to let go. I can see Z updated his messenger profile. I didn't react. The old me would have done so.

Today received a mail from teacher, she said she love the joyfulness in me and hope I can help to spread my joy around. The old me would have 'slurp' this up. Infact I used to feel like an Outsider whenever I was criticised by her or I perceived she favours others over me. But the new me was not affected. I no longer sought her approval.