I am wearing an amour; my control mode

Sept 2 Aft

Father, there was no response from him. This time I call him and when I couldn't get him, I text him.
This is a first time for me. The old me would have stopped at the msg.

Anyway, now that he told me he see msg last and emails first. Father, I am still curious about going after what u want without worrying about price. I also realised the price that I was talking is actually the feeling of hurt, loss of pride and etc, is not even actual price that involves money.

For the first time I understand what the amour means. I have been wearing an amour for many years without knowing. In recent weeks, I have been receiving the Fighting Osho card and alas I understood. I did tot of boss wearing the amour but not me.

Father, I am slowly but surely realising that this Cosmic Lesson rship with Z is not end game benefit, it is the process benefit. Whenever I proceed ahead, I got my rewards in terms of self realisation.

I already received my reward by initiating the invite, by acting on my desire without worrying about the price. So, if we don't meet up, I have lost nothing nor pay any price and infact got my cake. If we meet up, I would get the icing on the cake.

I also have Pluto with him. In my case, I don't control him but I control myself and the lesson is not to control and hold back myself due to fear of price to pay. Amen.

1. Issue
Fighting
The figure in this card is completely covered in armor. If u look closely, u can see a shadowy movie that plays in this man's mind - two figures fighting for a castle.
An explosive temper or smouldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor, we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others, we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.
If this description fits u, its time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to u if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself; you are worth it!

Soul
For the first time I acknowledge its me.
In my case, I wear the armor and won't allow anyone to come near. If no one is allowed to come near, no one can trigger the pain in me. Then I don't have to face the pain also.

Looks like its now time to remove the armor and let people into my life. Of cos Z is a difficult case and the outcome unsure but the rewards is in the process. So, I will continue regardless of the circumstances. I know I be fine. I know I can leave him when the time comes.


2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Turning in.
If u stop running after desire, it is again running, in a subtle way. U r still desiring -- maybe now it is desirelessness that u desire.
U r already here, there is no point in going. When going stops, journeying disappears; when desire is no more clouding ur mind, u r in. This is called turning in.

To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is all about. Indulge in simple freedom of Turning In whenever u can, and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in u.

Soul
I was stopping the desire.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Thunderbolt
A man and woman leaping from a burning tower, not because they want to, but because they have no choice. In the background is a transparent meditating figure representing the witnessing consciousness.

Soul
Father, I jumped on Wed when I call him and I jumped again today.
Before I jumped, I tot of the price to pay but now there is truly no payment, and only reward.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Stress
All private goals are neurotic. The essential man comes to know, to feel, "I am not separate from the whole, and there is no need to seek and search for any destiny on my own.

Soul
Yea, even my car is in garage. Again, I cannot move.
Father has arranged for me the Cosmic Lesson.

5. Resolution.
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful.
It is a love without expectation, without demands.

Soul
I am facing my Seven of Hearts.