My tots are on price to pay, not on what I want

Aug 31

Father, did my practice. Was good considering that my feet hurts. I forgot about them when I did too much walking last weekend.

Father, Seven of Spades is a challenge.
I am not sure of how to handle the uncertainty. What I have known is to get rid of it? Previously, my option was to end the rship which I did.

But now I don't have the luxury as I agreed to initiate it back. And I cannot even call ours a relationship so I cannot break it off per se.

Mmm, this is even trickier than previously.
I know there is a sense of anger rising within me. Perhaps its anger at myself for continuing with something I cannot handle. But I need to learn this cos this is my biggest hurdle. I jumped ship the last round and now got back in. Don't judge myself harshly. Or who knows I am doing it because I want him.

If I call and there is no response, the feeling will worsen. If I don't call, the internal fight continues.

What a dilemma? Mmm, again its the price I tot of, not what I want. What I want is to talk to him but I worried about the price to pay if I cannot get to talk to him.

I called him and he is glad I called.

Father, from now on think of what I want instead of price to pay.

I am glad I did my weekly Osho
1. Issue
Fighting
Fighting inside my amour. Using my amour to prevent myself from getting hurt.

Soul
I knew the fight was within. I knew its because I don't want to be hurt. So, I went for it.

2. Internal influence
Turning in
Detached myself from the drama in my mind.

3. External influence.
Falling down

4. What the understanding?
Stress

5. Resolution
Friendliness.

The Passion Test
When u begin choosing in favour of ur passions, ur life will begin to transform in ways u can't predict.
Second aligning ur life to ur passions is a process. There are still challenges to face.
Yet when u r living ur passions and giving ATTENTION to the GOOD in ur life, those challenges are so much easier to deal with.
The key is to get out of ur own way.
There are only three things that can prevent u from living a passionate life. They are;
1. False ideas
2. False concepts
3. False beliefs

False ideas, concepts and beliefs are things that you've come to believe are true that simply didn't match reality, eventhough u may think they do.

Soul
Here I was just asking God that I need a guidance on how to have faith. I have chosen Z to be in my life now. But how to keep going on in spite no change.

What I learned from Cosmic Lesson
1. To focus on what I want instead of price to pay so I can follow my Top 5.
2. To remember to have predominant Tots is what I will attract. So, to be aware of mt tots and to shift from "prices" to "wants".

The Passion Test
Lust arises from a sense of lack. It is driven by an overpowering need to fill something that is missing inside or to dull a pain too great to feel.
When we lust after something, we r trying to fill a void.

Feelings of pain are Nature's Guidance System, trying to tell us to stop, make a change, take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves. But when u ignore the signal and instead try to stop it by dulling the pain through alcohol, drugs, food, sex or whatever, u keep moving down the line toward increasing misery and suffering.

Soul
I knew for me, food and sex with Z is in the same line. When I cannot have Z, my hunger for food increased. When I have food, my hunger for Z decreased. Even this trip, I had tots of him but I dulled it with food.

The Passion Test
Ur passions, on the other hand, are the most significant loves in ur life. They arise deep within the heart. It connects u with the most profound part of ur own nature.
When u r aligned with ur passions, u will feel expanded, open, turned on. Passion takes us up the line toward increasing joy and fulfillment.

Soul
What make me come back to Z. Irrespective of no change, he has always puts my need before him. I felt cherished when I am with him. He is fine when I break out into laughter of joy when I am excited. He encouraged me to do my practices, eventhough he cannot do.

He doesn't do or say the lovey things that most men does, but he shows his care to me. And he is always supportive of my ventures. He is also fine when I am vulnerable.

Father, I think only of good things. Sure he has not good things, but he gave me what I need now.

(Sept 9 - He is my Moon in Life and Spiritual)


What's my belief with Z?
1. I am not valuable enough for him to change his plan
2. He is focused on his wants and doesn't mind paying the price of giving me up.
3. I am not sure if I can live up to his wants even if we r together. I may compromise to one child and I would be a fine mother but I don't want to be a home maker, which is what he wants. Net net, I am not sure if I want his plan.

Recently mom can sees that I don't do housework and leave for others to do. She said I am lucky to have others who want to do for me. I rebutted that I do loads in office, so in house I don't do. I guess for me giving in office is easier than giving at home. But the thing is my home is more important than my work. Or it is true that I am a just a lazy bum like what Z said.