My tots are predominantly on what I dont want...so I got it :(

Aug 27 Eve

Father, I am slowly getting the hang of it. Doing the reading for SL, I also touch up on mine. Just like her boss is her Cosmic, Z is my Cosmic. For her, the Cosmic is in Ruling Card and for me is in Birth Card.

Father, like C said I should be happy I am meeting Cosmic cos that means I did overcome the Pluto card. And I am glad I am meeting my Cosmic for Birth. Instead of perceiving Z is the one for me, I now see him as the doorway that I need to cross over in my dream of Self Mastery.

These cards are really helpful and I am keen to know more. I did another 3 hours today.

No reply from Z but I am just bit disappointed cos part of me still hope. But there is no anxiousness like in old days.

What a paradox, when I realised I had to go back to him, I tot I be doomed and I lost my self preservation, my pride and etc. And here it is still intact and infact my Self is stronger. Suddenly a tot came, Defenselessness is strength.

The Passion Test
When u stay open, u may discover that all sorts of interesting possibilities appear in ur life. Our suggestion is to be open, to listen, to test out new possibilities for urself and then use those tools and that knowledge which resonate with ur own experience of life.

Fear is the opposite of faith. Fear is something u recognise for what it is.
U can't have fear and faith at the same time in ur mind, because faith is simply a state of mind.
Fear can help u recognise reality and that's a service and a good thing.
BUT when u r ready to move, then u don't take counsel from fear, u let it go. Its like, okay, I'm going to overcome that. I believe I can do this.
Whatever u want to accomplish, having a sense of destiny is the starting point.

Soul
Yea, I am learning faith.
Father, now I know why I have 3 of Diamonds as 1st karma and 5 Heart in Mercury and 3 Clubs in Venus.
I sincerely don't know what I truly want. While I know clearly what I don't want - not to be hurt or rejected by Z, I don't know clearly if I truly want Z. I admit part of me still have reservation if we can pull it off even if we r together.
Perhaps that's why I am not getting the rship that I want.

This means my tots are predominantly on what I don't want and the price I have to pay. My tots are not about what I want.

For now, I want Z physically and also I don't want to be attached to him. I want to recognise him as just my doorway.