Aug 10
Father, it was heaty in Chennai but I slept. Wake up twice, once at 2.30 am, which is our local 5 am and then finally at 6.30 am. Did my guru pooja, shakti and abridged shambavi.
I had a fantastic chicken briyani which nearly brought tears to my eyes. This was my last meat meal for the next few days.
Now in ashram. In my room.
Soul
Alas, I am not crazy. Sadhguru is now saying Hata Yoga can have the power like BSP. I was laughing and crying so much when I did Hata.
I must focus on Hata.
Sadhguru
I used to conduct two or three-day programs in Hata Yoga. Just doing asanas, people would just burst out laughing and crying. It was like BSP. Most yogis just use a few simple postures to break the limitations of who they are. Hata Yoga means balance.
Balance does not mean sanity. If u want ur life to be exuberant, u need to have some madness in u. But if u become compulsively insane, u lost it. Perfectly logical stuff is sanity. Illogical stuff is insanity.
When we talk about balance, we are not talking about sanity, we are talking about finding that perch between sanity and insanity, that u can venture into this, u can adventure into that. Madness is an adventure; it is a most wonderful thing as long as it is in control.
This ability to venture and adventure into whatever u want at any moment will come to u if ur Muladhara is well established.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Being alone - now to face only me
Aug 9
Father, woke up before alarm rang at 2.50 am. Took a shower and shampoo. Cab came 5 minutes before 3.30 am. I am off to ashram. Went for breakfast at McDonald for my last intake of meat. Alas, my fingers slipped and coffee split all over me. My blouse and pants were stained. I promptly went over to buy a v-neck long flowy dress. I think I looked good.
Have tots of Z and tot of sharing my clumsiness with him. Alas, I didn't. Let's see how I feel after shoonya. Tot of Sl, we r facing this together.
Just reached M's house. I had a nice surprise, An was here too. Lovely meeting P again.
Osho - Tao
No parent is loving enough to leave u alone to urself to grow, to help u and to nourish u and to give u total freedom to be urself, authentically urself.
Soul
My parents is that loving. Amen.
Osho
U have to become fed up with all ur so-called worldly desires. Firstly, go into those desires. Unless u become tremendously frustrated, unless u see that they are all futile: that whether u succeed or fail, u always fail; that whether u have money or u r poor, u r always poor. ... When that insight dawns on u, then only u can really become a seeker of the beyond, u will bring ur whole world with u, u will bring all ur desires with u.
Soul
I know I haven't reach there yet. I still carry worldly desires.
Osho - Ko Hsuan
The real seeker is not achiever, he is not aggressive, he is not masculine, he becomes feminine. He is just like a womb - he receives. He empties himself totally so that space is created to receive.
That's what masters have been telling their disciples to do. And that's the whole are of meditation. Empty urself totally, become a nothingness. And the moment u r totally nothing, at that very moment, truth descends in u; u become full of it.
Tao is not the path of prayer, it is the path of meditation.
Gautam Buddha
Be a light unto urself. Follow ur own light, follow ur own intelligence. Don't listen to those with vested interests because they r working for their own purposes. They have nothing to do with ur welfare, they r not concerned about it.
Father, woke up before alarm rang at 2.50 am. Took a shower and shampoo. Cab came 5 minutes before 3.30 am. I am off to ashram. Went for breakfast at McDonald for my last intake of meat. Alas, my fingers slipped and coffee split all over me. My blouse and pants were stained. I promptly went over to buy a v-neck long flowy dress. I think I looked good.
Have tots of Z and tot of sharing my clumsiness with him. Alas, I didn't. Let's see how I feel after shoonya. Tot of Sl, we r facing this together.
Just reached M's house. I had a nice surprise, An was here too. Lovely meeting P again.
Osho - Tao
No parent is loving enough to leave u alone to urself to grow, to help u and to nourish u and to give u total freedom to be urself, authentically urself.
Soul
My parents is that loving. Amen.
Osho
U have to become fed up with all ur so-called worldly desires. Firstly, go into those desires. Unless u become tremendously frustrated, unless u see that they are all futile: that whether u succeed or fail, u always fail; that whether u have money or u r poor, u r always poor. ... When that insight dawns on u, then only u can really become a seeker of the beyond, u will bring ur whole world with u, u will bring all ur desires with u.
Soul
I know I haven't reach there yet. I still carry worldly desires.
Osho - Ko Hsuan
The real seeker is not achiever, he is not aggressive, he is not masculine, he becomes feminine. He is just like a womb - he receives. He empties himself totally so that space is created to receive.
That's what masters have been telling their disciples to do. And that's the whole are of meditation. Empty urself totally, become a nothingness. And the moment u r totally nothing, at that very moment, truth descends in u; u become full of it.
Tao is not the path of prayer, it is the path of meditation.
Gautam Buddha
Be a light unto urself. Follow ur own light, follow ur own intelligence. Don't listen to those with vested interests because they r working for their own purposes. They have nothing to do with ur welfare, they r not concerned about it.
Doubts over perseverance of practices
Aug 8
Father, I woke up at 4 am, body was fine but I had resentment. I just sleep back. I know its because I am sad and I tot all the Work is still not bringing me happiness.
So, why work. Then I wake up at 5.20 am. The mind is still pondering about no benefits. A tot came, I am doing it for my well-being, for my health. It is not to bring me happiness.
And it worked cos I am not so sad. Also, today I be at 2 places, so need all the energy I can muster.
So, I did it. I went in deep at Shambavi. On Shakti, I am now slowing down on kapala bhakti and breath counting.
I was driving and I looked at myself and I looked great for 45.
Father, I woke up at 4 am, body was fine but I had resentment. I just sleep back. I know its because I am sad and I tot all the Work is still not bringing me happiness.
So, why work. Then I wake up at 5.20 am. The mind is still pondering about no benefits. A tot came, I am doing it for my well-being, for my health. It is not to bring me happiness.
And it worked cos I am not so sad. Also, today I be at 2 places, so need all the energy I can muster.
So, I did it. I went in deep at Shambavi. On Shakti, I am now slowing down on kapala bhakti and breath counting.
I was driving and I looked at myself and I looked great for 45.
I am losing everything I know
Aug 6
Father, I have a good sleep. Woke up before alarm rang at 4.05 am. Mind did say don't want to do hata but I did it. The first 1 cycle was bit off but subsequent ones were fine. I rest a short while and then I did a short breathing and followed by shakti and shambavi. Later at rest time, I just felt like ending it and I finished by 6.05 am. Earlier by half hour because little rest and also short breathing.
This morning when I shower I was bit worried about losing my identity. Wondering what I be doing in my spare time. Anyway, I reached office, walking with bit of limp as my left sole is swelling. Then I knew the decision is foregone.
I guess, it was bit scary especially I lost Z too. And I also lost Isha. Now everything on my own. Father, I didn't expect nor wanted to reach this state. I guess I should be glad.
A tot just came. The pre-break to dawn is darkness and I am in darkness now. I guess this darkness I have to faced. I am not afraid of losing my career or Z. But I am afraid of the uncertainty of future.
7 year (42 to 48)
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Affirmation
I experience a major change in my values, which affect every important area of my life this period.
Soul
Just realised I enter age 42 by entry into Isha.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Reaction is an activity of the personality, whereas doing is related more to Being.
If u go deeper into the experience of ur personality, u will see ultimately, personality is a contraction, a restriction. If u go deeper, to the origin of the personality, u will see that the personality begins as a defensive maneuver, as a need to defend against or resist something. At all levels, personality is a resistance to something, to some truth or some state. So, any activity of the personality can only be a manifestation of resistance - a saying no, a rejection, a contraction.
Soul (love and money)
My personality - afraid of being rejected, seen as unlovable. So, I tried to manipulate Z in taking me back. The mind has come up with many tots of contacting Z. I just looked at it, not reacting. Cos truly I am not afraid to be alone. If Z really wanted to be with me, he would call. I need not beg. I only beg because I am afraid.
Also, my mind is cracking ways I can make money. Worry about lost opp. I also don't want to react.
The mind keep on pushing with tots of to do something. To avoid being unloved, being without good career. To avoid loss of valuation.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When u r no longer going along with the activity of saying no. It doesn't meant that u r saying yes. It just means that u were pushing and now u stopped pushing. When u realise that the pushing is useless, u stop doing it.
And then the personality stops pushing. And when it stops pushing, it disappears. There is no person which is letting go of something.
When u stop contracting and stop pushing, what remains is what was there in reality.
Eight of Diamonds
Focusing and concentrating on our VALUES and making choices about what is most important in our life and what is not. Through this kind of focus, 'values' is always attracted to us in the amount we need.
Father, I have a good sleep. Woke up before alarm rang at 4.05 am. Mind did say don't want to do hata but I did it. The first 1 cycle was bit off but subsequent ones were fine. I rest a short while and then I did a short breathing and followed by shakti and shambavi. Later at rest time, I just felt like ending it and I finished by 6.05 am. Earlier by half hour because little rest and also short breathing.
This morning when I shower I was bit worried about losing my identity. Wondering what I be doing in my spare time. Anyway, I reached office, walking with bit of limp as my left sole is swelling. Then I knew the decision is foregone.
I guess, it was bit scary especially I lost Z too. And I also lost Isha. Now everything on my own. Father, I didn't expect nor wanted to reach this state. I guess I should be glad.
A tot just came. The pre-break to dawn is darkness and I am in darkness now. I guess this darkness I have to faced. I am not afraid of losing my career or Z. But I am afraid of the uncertainty of future.
7 year (42 to 48)
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Affirmation
I experience a major change in my values, which affect every important area of my life this period.
Soul
Just realised I enter age 42 by entry into Isha.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Reaction is an activity of the personality, whereas doing is related more to Being.
If u go deeper into the experience of ur personality, u will see ultimately, personality is a contraction, a restriction. If u go deeper, to the origin of the personality, u will see that the personality begins as a defensive maneuver, as a need to defend against or resist something. At all levels, personality is a resistance to something, to some truth or some state. So, any activity of the personality can only be a manifestation of resistance - a saying no, a rejection, a contraction.
Soul (love and money)
My personality - afraid of being rejected, seen as unlovable. So, I tried to manipulate Z in taking me back. The mind has come up with many tots of contacting Z. I just looked at it, not reacting. Cos truly I am not afraid to be alone. If Z really wanted to be with me, he would call. I need not beg. I only beg because I am afraid.
Also, my mind is cracking ways I can make money. Worry about lost opp. I also don't want to react.
The mind keep on pushing with tots of to do something. To avoid being unloved, being without good career. To avoid loss of valuation.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When u r no longer going along with the activity of saying no. It doesn't meant that u r saying yes. It just means that u were pushing and now u stopped pushing. When u realise that the pushing is useless, u stop doing it.
And then the personality stops pushing. And when it stops pushing, it disappears. There is no person which is letting go of something.
When u stop contracting and stop pushing, what remains is what was there in reality.
Eight of Diamonds
Focusing and concentrating on our VALUES and making choices about what is most important in our life and what is not. Through this kind of focus, 'values' is always attracted to us in the amount we need.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Mind is still playing drama on Z but I can ignore it
Aug 5
Woke up 6.50 am and went for my walk. The trees and grass were so beautiful.
I tot of Z. I wish him well and thank him for releasing me when I cannot.
Aft
Mind keep on searching for ways which I had caused Z to feel inferior resulting in sudden break up.
But I decided not to be hooked. What happens already happens.
Osho - celebration
Whenever a man becomes enlightened, his surrounding is therapeutic. Just being in close contact with him, u will be healed. A master never does anything. But because he is a non-doer, healing happens, because he is a nobody, he gives u space: in that very space u become integrated, u become centered.
Soul
That's what Sadhguru does.
Osho - celebration
Tao
Ur own peace is not there yet. U r still wavering, swaying. Ur center is still not fixed, and these people will make u go more astray; they will be a distraction.
Aug 5 Eve
Father, I am feeling calmer. More accepting of the separation with Z.
I was updating my blog and noted that it is part of my self development, dropping all my external support ; Isha, career and Z.
I recalled I faced so much emotional turmoil and suffering, 2 years ago in starting the rship with Z, but I proceeded cos I knew it is part of my self growth.
Now the separation is also part of my self growth. Alas I accepted it.
Also, 7 years period says that to get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see.
Soul
My card today is Six of Spades - settlement. Tot of me over-reacting by deleting Z's bb contact. But I know its good. At least for next 2 weeks I won't be contacting him. I will accept the ending. Who knows, he may get rich and contact me again.
(Aug 24 - yea, he finally got a buyer for the apartment, paid up all his card's debt and even saved money in his bank. He finally able to contact me when he is ready)
Woke up 6.50 am and went for my walk. The trees and grass were so beautiful.
I tot of Z. I wish him well and thank him for releasing me when I cannot.
Aft
Mind keep on searching for ways which I had caused Z to feel inferior resulting in sudden break up.
But I decided not to be hooked. What happens already happens.
Osho - celebration
Whenever a man becomes enlightened, his surrounding is therapeutic. Just being in close contact with him, u will be healed. A master never does anything. But because he is a non-doer, healing happens, because he is a nobody, he gives u space: in that very space u become integrated, u become centered.
Soul
That's what Sadhguru does.
Osho - celebration
Tao
Ur own peace is not there yet. U r still wavering, swaying. Ur center is still not fixed, and these people will make u go more astray; they will be a distraction.
Aug 5 Eve
Father, I am feeling calmer. More accepting of the separation with Z.
I was updating my blog and noted that it is part of my self development, dropping all my external support ; Isha, career and Z.
I recalled I faced so much emotional turmoil and suffering, 2 years ago in starting the rship with Z, but I proceeded cos I knew it is part of my self growth.
Now the separation is also part of my self growth. Alas I accepted it.
Also, 7 years period says that to get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see.
Soul
My card today is Six of Spades - settlement. Tot of me over-reacting by deleting Z's bb contact. But I know its good. At least for next 2 weeks I won't be contacting him. I will accept the ending. Who knows, he may get rich and contact me again.
(Aug 24 - yea, he finally got a buyer for the apartment, paid up all his card's debt and even saved money in his bank. He finally able to contact me when he is ready)
My presence is comforting
Aug 04
Osho - celebration
When people start thinking that u r exceptional, there is danger. The danger is that u may move again on an ego-trip; the danger is that they may again give u an ambition: the danger is that they will not allow u to relax and to be urself.
When people give importance to u, they start dominating u. That's the whole are of manipulating people. People make u feel very important and they have become powerful over u. Now if u want to maintain ur greatness, u will have to consider them. They have made u great - now they have the key. Now, in a subtle way, u will become their slave.
So, whenever somebody comes and exaggerates about u, beware! He is trying to catch hold of u and once u allow it, it will be difficult to go back home.
Soul
Exactly what happen to me in Isha. I have never sought the leadership. So many times I want to go but people said cannot. Then I tried but I was afraid of losing their 'respect' and friendship. But alas, I managed to pull the string. I escaped.
I guess the same thing now with E. I don't want to continue. I don't want to be made important, then it be difficult for me to leave. Cos ultimately career is no longer valuable to me and I don't want to make it valuable again. I don't want to be a slave. I want my freedom to be just me, savoring myself.
Osho - celebration.
When u come in contact with Buddha, his presence does not press ur heart; infact his presence makes u more free. His presence does not turn u into slaves, his presence turn u into masters. His presence does not become a binding on u, but becomes a freedom: he liberates.
However when the energy comes out, it becomes a very repressing force. It is almost violent. It is as if somebody has jumped upon u with a sword in his hand and force u to submit.
Soul
Suddenly I tot of myself as buddha, now I know why people is very comfortable with me, open their heart to me.
On the energy leakage, tot of ex-boss J and also E. And Sl also has that.
Osho - celebration
Only keep company with a master with whom u don't become a carbon copy, with whom freedom is possible, with whom even surrender gives u individuality, following whom u don't become a follower, with whom u earn more and more freedom - more than u can give to urself. He does not give u a discipline, he gives u awareness and through awareness u flower. U r not repressed, u r not forced; great things happen, but they happen naturally, spontaneously.
Soul
I tot of myself. I always say this to my staff. I give them independence to be themselves.
Osho - celebration
Whenever u r in close contact with a man whose energy makes u a slave, escape from him. It is a pressure. These are things to be felt. U feel a pressure on the heart, a crushing pressure, then that man has more energy than u; but that energy will prove evil; it is aggressive energy.
Soul
That's what I tot of E. That's why I have to go.
Osho - celebration
When, in the presence of somebody, u feel that u r uplifted, that u r taken to a higher altitude, that u start floating upwards, that gravitation is less; that presence is soothing, gives u silence, awareness; makes u more conscious and there is no pressure in it ... In fact, the ordinary pressures of ur life dissolve in the presence of a man who has become integrated.
Soul
How about Sadhguru? With him, I don't feel like a slave, but I just seems to surrender. All my external life evaporates.
Father, thanks for guiding me once more. Thanks for affirming that my action to resign is correct. I have found my peace and I am not willing to lose it over my job, over money, over financial security. Amen.
(Aug 24 - When I finally brave myself to meet Sadhguru, his presence was joyful and I felt liberated. He saw me and we both laughed together)
Osho - celebration
When people start thinking that u r exceptional, there is danger. The danger is that u may move again on an ego-trip; the danger is that they may again give u an ambition: the danger is that they will not allow u to relax and to be urself.
When people give importance to u, they start dominating u. That's the whole are of manipulating people. People make u feel very important and they have become powerful over u. Now if u want to maintain ur greatness, u will have to consider them. They have made u great - now they have the key. Now, in a subtle way, u will become their slave.
So, whenever somebody comes and exaggerates about u, beware! He is trying to catch hold of u and once u allow it, it will be difficult to go back home.
Soul
Exactly what happen to me in Isha. I have never sought the leadership. So many times I want to go but people said cannot. Then I tried but I was afraid of losing their 'respect' and friendship. But alas, I managed to pull the string. I escaped.
I guess the same thing now with E. I don't want to continue. I don't want to be made important, then it be difficult for me to leave. Cos ultimately career is no longer valuable to me and I don't want to make it valuable again. I don't want to be a slave. I want my freedom to be just me, savoring myself.
Osho - celebration.
When u come in contact with Buddha, his presence does not press ur heart; infact his presence makes u more free. His presence does not turn u into slaves, his presence turn u into masters. His presence does not become a binding on u, but becomes a freedom: he liberates.
However when the energy comes out, it becomes a very repressing force. It is almost violent. It is as if somebody has jumped upon u with a sword in his hand and force u to submit.
Soul
Suddenly I tot of myself as buddha, now I know why people is very comfortable with me, open their heart to me.
On the energy leakage, tot of ex-boss J and also E. And Sl also has that.
Osho - celebration
Only keep company with a master with whom u don't become a carbon copy, with whom freedom is possible, with whom even surrender gives u individuality, following whom u don't become a follower, with whom u earn more and more freedom - more than u can give to urself. He does not give u a discipline, he gives u awareness and through awareness u flower. U r not repressed, u r not forced; great things happen, but they happen naturally, spontaneously.
Soul
I tot of myself. I always say this to my staff. I give them independence to be themselves.
Osho - celebration
Whenever u r in close contact with a man whose energy makes u a slave, escape from him. It is a pressure. These are things to be felt. U feel a pressure on the heart, a crushing pressure, then that man has more energy than u; but that energy will prove evil; it is aggressive energy.
Soul
That's what I tot of E. That's why I have to go.
Osho - celebration
When, in the presence of somebody, u feel that u r uplifted, that u r taken to a higher altitude, that u start floating upwards, that gravitation is less; that presence is soothing, gives u silence, awareness; makes u more conscious and there is no pressure in it ... In fact, the ordinary pressures of ur life dissolve in the presence of a man who has become integrated.
Soul
How about Sadhguru? With him, I don't feel like a slave, but I just seems to surrender. All my external life evaporates.
Father, thanks for guiding me once more. Thanks for affirming that my action to resign is correct. I have found my peace and I am not willing to lose it over my job, over money, over financial security. Amen.
(Aug 24 - When I finally brave myself to meet Sadhguru, his presence was joyful and I felt liberated. He saw me and we both laughed together)
When u r sensitive, u become receptive
Aug 4 Eve
Father, no calls at all. Sl just told me she is going break off with her ex-boss. She said not sure if it can happen.
For me, it was Z who broke off and I can trust he be steadfast and ignore me if I were to go back. He has ignored me for so many days now.
Mind keep on saying I m guilty. But let's face it, I did try and I don't want to go back on what may or may not happen. Z is adamant. I also pity him for being in such bad condition.
Sl said I don't look so sad with the separation. That's true. Part of me is sad but not too sad either.
Osho - celebration
A person become more loving and less sexual, more sensitive and less sensual. He thinks nor more in terms of sensuality, his body-mind, his body-wisdom has changed: his body has become mature. When he looks at the trees, he will find more greenery than u can find because he has become more sensitive. Now suddenly nature had a life of its own, so many colours, and so beautiful. He went and touched it. He wanted to hug, to sing a song for it, to dance for it.
His eyes become very sensitive, he could see through and through: there were no more screens - nothing to bar the way. His sensitivity was very clear.
Ur body will just be a passage, a tremendous receptivity: it will simply soak it up and take it to ur heart. And the whole of life will take a different luminosity - it will become colourful, psychedelic.
Soul
Exactly where I am. I recalled I used to fantasise sex and need masturbation. When I met Z, I didn't need masturbation as I have him. Although we don't do it often, I still don't need sex. When I am not with him, I don't think of it at all. I was surprised.
On nature, I definitely got psychedelic eyes sight. The grass is so beautiful that it stopped me in my tracks.
Osho - celebration
Once the body attains to sensitivity, u will find joy through the body, great joy. Small things become so delightful, eating, talking to a friend, looking at the sky, looking at the trees, just swimming in the river and etc, everything becomes so joyful. The whole life takes a new hue of rejoicing. U will be able to dance and sing if the body is resurrected.
Soul
True. When I went into samyama, I started to sing and dance. Nowadays I sing quite often.
Nowadays, my 'remembrance' is much greater. I generally know where I park my car. I can remember the errands that my family wants me to do.
Osho celebration
Silence will arise. A man of knowing is very silent. Words don't go on floating in his consciousness; there is no monologue. He is not continuously in the inner talk ... And awareness arises, and celebration; a man becomes creative. That's what celebration is; one starts participating in God the Creator.
That's what celebration is all about. Whenever u r really celebrating, u create something: u become a participant in the creative process of life.
And when on the third level the self, the ego disappears, a great explosion happens. That's what Zen people call satori, Yoga calls samadhi.
When in the self, the self disappears, when u look inside urself and u don't find anybody there: just a pure awareness, a witnessing, a no-self, u have arrived home.
This is the very basic approach of Tao, that ego has to disappear on three levels. The ego gone ... the body becomes the temple, the mind becomes the innermost shrine and the self becomes the whole - the god himself of the shrine. U become religious when ur body is a temple, ur mind is a shrine and u r nothing but God himself, the whole itself.
Soul
Amen
Father, no calls at all. Sl just told me she is going break off with her ex-boss. She said not sure if it can happen.
For me, it was Z who broke off and I can trust he be steadfast and ignore me if I were to go back. He has ignored me for so many days now.
Mind keep on saying I m guilty. But let's face it, I did try and I don't want to go back on what may or may not happen. Z is adamant. I also pity him for being in such bad condition.
Sl said I don't look so sad with the separation. That's true. Part of me is sad but not too sad either.
Osho - celebration
A person become more loving and less sexual, more sensitive and less sensual. He thinks nor more in terms of sensuality, his body-mind, his body-wisdom has changed: his body has become mature. When he looks at the trees, he will find more greenery than u can find because he has become more sensitive. Now suddenly nature had a life of its own, so many colours, and so beautiful. He went and touched it. He wanted to hug, to sing a song for it, to dance for it.
His eyes become very sensitive, he could see through and through: there were no more screens - nothing to bar the way. His sensitivity was very clear.
Ur body will just be a passage, a tremendous receptivity: it will simply soak it up and take it to ur heart. And the whole of life will take a different luminosity - it will become colourful, psychedelic.
Soul
Exactly where I am. I recalled I used to fantasise sex and need masturbation. When I met Z, I didn't need masturbation as I have him. Although we don't do it often, I still don't need sex. When I am not with him, I don't think of it at all. I was surprised.
On nature, I definitely got psychedelic eyes sight. The grass is so beautiful that it stopped me in my tracks.
Osho - celebration
Once the body attains to sensitivity, u will find joy through the body, great joy. Small things become so delightful, eating, talking to a friend, looking at the sky, looking at the trees, just swimming in the river and etc, everything becomes so joyful. The whole life takes a new hue of rejoicing. U will be able to dance and sing if the body is resurrected.
Soul
True. When I went into samyama, I started to sing and dance. Nowadays I sing quite often.
Nowadays, my 'remembrance' is much greater. I generally know where I park my car. I can remember the errands that my family wants me to do.
Osho celebration
Silence will arise. A man of knowing is very silent. Words don't go on floating in his consciousness; there is no monologue. He is not continuously in the inner talk ... And awareness arises, and celebration; a man becomes creative. That's what celebration is; one starts participating in God the Creator.
That's what celebration is all about. Whenever u r really celebrating, u create something: u become a participant in the creative process of life.
And when on the third level the self, the ego disappears, a great explosion happens. That's what Zen people call satori, Yoga calls samadhi.
When in the self, the self disappears, when u look inside urself and u don't find anybody there: just a pure awareness, a witnessing, a no-self, u have arrived home.
This is the very basic approach of Tao, that ego has to disappear on three levels. The ego gone ... the body becomes the temple, the mind becomes the innermost shrine and the self becomes the whole - the god himself of the shrine. U become religious when ur body is a temple, ur mind is a shrine and u r nothing but God himself, the whole itself.
Soul
Amen
Mind is still playing with drama on Z
Aug 4 Aft
Woke up from afternoon nap. I had some wild hope for a call from him but I knew that is unlikely.
Father, what my heart says. I m not happy today but I be fine. I recalled last week was my resignation from work and now this week Z's resignation from me. Both unexpected.
I have knew for quite some time that Z and I had run our course. But I cannot let him go. Honestly, we are compatible physically and mentally. We are not matched spiritually or emotionally. Like he said, I m going towards non-material path whereas he is on material. I am freed from money chasing, whereas he cannot.
Participation
We r behaving like blind people. In such a beautiful world, we r living in small ponds of our own misery. It is familiar, so even if somebody wants to pull u out u struggle. U don't want to be pulled out of ur misery. Otherwise there is so much joy around, u just have to be aware of it.
Woke up from afternoon nap. I had some wild hope for a call from him but I knew that is unlikely.
Father, what my heart says. I m not happy today but I be fine. I recalled last week was my resignation from work and now this week Z's resignation from me. Both unexpected.
I have knew for quite some time that Z and I had run our course. But I cannot let him go. Honestly, we are compatible physically and mentally. We are not matched spiritually or emotionally. Like he said, I m going towards non-material path whereas he is on material. I am freed from money chasing, whereas he cannot.
Participation
We r behaving like blind people. In such a beautiful world, we r living in small ponds of our own misery. It is familiar, so even if somebody wants to pull u out u struggle. U don't want to be pulled out of ur misery. Otherwise there is so much joy around, u just have to be aware of it.
1st day without Z and my joy is still intact
Aug 4
Father, I finally deleted his bb msg contact. I told him that his coldness towards me is the same as what his ex does to him. I had to delete it because I don't have his determination, I would contact him and would look out for his pix.
I also realised his steadfastness and loyalty once he has given his commitment (which is what I wanted in him) resulted from his determination. And now the same source of strength is used to waive me off with coldness.
Anyway, he didn't call me back. It would be a miracle, and even if he did, it would just be to blast me. Father, I am ok without him but I didn't like the way it ended. Well, maybe its time. I graduated. God knew I couldn't end it myself and so ended it for me. Amen.
A new day finally without him. I love him but I don't want to be sad without him either. I had a good time in the pool. My joy was still intact. And when I meditate, the joy is still there unexpectedly.
I am glad that I didn't react when he asked me to leave him. I even initiated meet-up, shared my deepest tots and dreams which involves him. Alas, I forgot about his steadfastness.
Father, I finally deleted his bb msg contact. I told him that his coldness towards me is the same as what his ex does to him. I had to delete it because I don't have his determination, I would contact him and would look out for his pix.
I also realised his steadfastness and loyalty once he has given his commitment (which is what I wanted in him) resulted from his determination. And now the same source of strength is used to waive me off with coldness.
Anyway, he didn't call me back. It would be a miracle, and even if he did, it would just be to blast me. Father, I am ok without him but I didn't like the way it ended. Well, maybe its time. I graduated. God knew I couldn't end it myself and so ended it for me. Amen.
A new day finally without him. I love him but I don't want to be sad without him either. I had a good time in the pool. My joy was still intact. And when I meditate, the joy is still there unexpectedly.
I am glad that I didn't react when he asked me to leave him. I even initiated meet-up, shared my deepest tots and dreams which involves him. Alas, I forgot about his steadfastness.
Said my goodbye to Z
Aug 3
Father, I was waken up by alarm at 4 am. I was really tired and feel bit angry at myself for trying to over achieve. I already worked so much at office. I cannot do the norm. I will get back once my schedule stabilise.
I did my guru pooja, shakti and shambavi.
Aug 3 Eve (final call)
Father, I have done my part. He really wants to end it cold. That's the part that hit me. The fact that he is cold. Anyway, I have tried to patch up be he is thick headed. How can I see him 'wrongly'?
Today I got the rship cards:
1. Myself - playful
2. Z - conscience - hard
3. Synergy - projection
4. Insight -
I got the Postponement card.
Anyway, like I said I love him but I am no longer afraid of losing him. When my time come, love will come again.
He and his ex-wife deserve each other. Both are so cold.
Father, I was waken up by alarm at 4 am. I was really tired and feel bit angry at myself for trying to over achieve. I already worked so much at office. I cannot do the norm. I will get back once my schedule stabilise.
I did my guru pooja, shakti and shambavi.
Aug 3 Eve (final call)
Father, I have done my part. He really wants to end it cold. That's the part that hit me. The fact that he is cold. Anyway, I have tried to patch up be he is thick headed. How can I see him 'wrongly'?
Today I got the rship cards:
1. Myself - playful
2. Z - conscience - hard
3. Synergy - projection
4. Insight -
I got the Postponement card.
Anyway, like I said I love him but I am no longer afraid of losing him. When my time come, love will come again.
He and his ex-wife deserve each other. Both are so cold.
Settling down with myself
Aug 2
Woke up at 5.20 am, well rested. Did my guru pooja, aum chanting, breathing, shakti and shambavi.
This morning a tot came on separation with Z. Not sure how I should be feeling.
Father, Z immediately read my msg. It was spontaneous for me. I just wanted to share with him. A tot came that we have split. But I ignored it. Anyway, will see how I be after Shoonya. For now, I love him and I am ok if he cannot give me now.
Aug 2 Aft (Going back to old company)
Father, I am back. Once I decide I am back, the IT person is there. Also, I sorted out the Reinstatement contract. Things are falling in place.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Without mind, there is no variety, discrimination or differentiation; we see no form and hence, no beauty. Mind is the creator of form, the creator of beauty and understanding is that process of creation, of unfoldment. So, the fulfillment of our life is to see life objectively, to see what's really there. To know, for example, that life is the expression and fulfillment and celebration of beauty. That is what we are here for. We are not here for anything else.
Father, I now learned to value old company since I have experience in new company. I am my own boss, my own time.
Woke up at 5.20 am, well rested. Did my guru pooja, aum chanting, breathing, shakti and shambavi.
This morning a tot came on separation with Z. Not sure how I should be feeling.
Father, Z immediately read my msg. It was spontaneous for me. I just wanted to share with him. A tot came that we have split. But I ignored it. Anyway, will see how I be after Shoonya. For now, I love him and I am ok if he cannot give me now.
Aug 2 Aft (Going back to old company)
Father, I am back. Once I decide I am back, the IT person is there. Also, I sorted out the Reinstatement contract. Things are falling in place.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Without mind, there is no variety, discrimination or differentiation; we see no form and hence, no beauty. Mind is the creator of form, the creator of beauty and understanding is that process of creation, of unfoldment. So, the fulfillment of our life is to see life objectively, to see what's really there. To know, for example, that life is the expression and fulfillment and celebration of beauty. That is what we are here for. We are not here for anything else.
Father, I now learned to value old company since I have experience in new company. I am my own boss, my own time.
Remnants of sadness over Z
Aug 1 Eve
Father, I was hoping to release sadness of separation with Z during shoonya. But there is only silence and I went in deep.
Looks like the separation goes well with me. Only the mind is not sure. I guess I didn't expect us to end like that, without any fanfare. There were so much drama throughout the rship.
Funny, tot about it. 2 months back I was so angry I hold back the pills, and then we had a drama during meet_up and later a great finale. Well, its over. Like Z said, "please move on".
Father, I was hoping to release sadness of separation with Z during shoonya. But there is only silence and I went in deep.
Looks like the separation goes well with me. Only the mind is not sure. I guess I didn't expect us to end like that, without any fanfare. There were so much drama throughout the rship.
Funny, tot about it. 2 months back I was so angry I hold back the pills, and then we had a drama during meet_up and later a great finale. Well, its over. Like Z said, "please move on".
No longer giving myself a hard time for the ending with Z
Aug 1
Father, Z and I are finally over. He no longer reply my messages. Like he said, let's move on. I
No wonder The Outsider card comes in. But I needed to know the answer before I go.
Msg from Pl
Just be grateful 4 the experience u had with Z n move on. Wish him well. U have a whole life in front of u 4 more joyful experiences.
Yea. Just did shoonya. Cried bit. But then joy came.
52 days card in Mercury (Jul 3 to Aug 23)
When this card appears, there is always the chance of a separation or divorce with someone u love, but there is an equal possibility that u will be taking a trip or moving to a new home.
Soul
When I first read this card, I couldn't relate at all. Then I tot it is due to separation from the job, from E who I do like to work with but not his style.
I never expect it to come from Z. His request for break up was so sudden.
Father, I am sad but the joy is still there. Perhaps because I resolved my issue with money so I need not face it with Z who doesn't have money. So, let me view this positively.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Understanding, then, includes the mind becoming an expression or a channel for Being. Mind becomes connected to Being, not separate from it like it was when u were a child, or like it was when u r an adult just seeing ur issues.
At this level, understanding becomes the unity, the interface, the meeting of Being and mind. U r Being, but there is also awareness of the beingness. This consciousness of beingness is understanding.
Soul
I now know I can experience joy and love on my own, without anything/anyone. So, now I am down, my joy and love arise to influence my mind not to be negative, not to go back to the past.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When u understand completely, u go to the next level of ur being. If u don't understand it, u get to stay where u are.
So, understanding is a development which also brings loss.
When u understand love, u understand losing it doesn't mean u don't experience it anymore, but rather that love will arise in ur experience only if ur environment needs it.
If understanding can lead u to the unknowable, which is the undying and the unchangeable, then u r free to live life without fear.
When u know that u r unknowable, u know u cannot be any image, u cannot be ur Aubody our personality, u cannot be rejected or hurt, u cannot die and etc.
Even ur own mind cannot hurt u. How can u criticise? What's there to criticise! But as long as u have ideas about who u r, u will have ideas about how u should be, and criticise urself; u should be bigger, smaller, smarter, better looking.
When u honestly don't know. U cannot give urself a hard time. U don't know because u cannot be known. That's freedom, then. When u cannot pinpoint urself with ur mind, then u r free.
(Aug 25 - now facing the second hurdle with Z. Yday my mind was judging me but today it has stopped)
Father, Z and I are finally over. He no longer reply my messages. Like he said, let's move on. I
No wonder The Outsider card comes in. But I needed to know the answer before I go.
Msg from Pl
Just be grateful 4 the experience u had with Z n move on. Wish him well. U have a whole life in front of u 4 more joyful experiences.
Yea. Just did shoonya. Cried bit. But then joy came.
52 days card in Mercury (Jul 3 to Aug 23)
When this card appears, there is always the chance of a separation or divorce with someone u love, but there is an equal possibility that u will be taking a trip or moving to a new home.
Soul
When I first read this card, I couldn't relate at all. Then I tot it is due to separation from the job, from E who I do like to work with but not his style.
I never expect it to come from Z. His request for break up was so sudden.
Father, I am sad but the joy is still there. Perhaps because I resolved my issue with money so I need not face it with Z who doesn't have money. So, let me view this positively.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Understanding, then, includes the mind becoming an expression or a channel for Being. Mind becomes connected to Being, not separate from it like it was when u were a child, or like it was when u r an adult just seeing ur issues.
At this level, understanding becomes the unity, the interface, the meeting of Being and mind. U r Being, but there is also awareness of the beingness. This consciousness of beingness is understanding.
Soul
I now know I can experience joy and love on my own, without anything/anyone. So, now I am down, my joy and love arise to influence my mind not to be negative, not to go back to the past.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When u understand completely, u go to the next level of ur being. If u don't understand it, u get to stay where u are.
So, understanding is a development which also brings loss.
When u understand love, u understand losing it doesn't mean u don't experience it anymore, but rather that love will arise in ur experience only if ur environment needs it.
If understanding can lead u to the unknowable, which is the undying and the unchangeable, then u r free to live life without fear.
When u know that u r unknowable, u know u cannot be any image, u cannot be ur Aubody our personality, u cannot be rejected or hurt, u cannot die and etc.
Even ur own mind cannot hurt u. How can u criticise? What's there to criticise! But as long as u have ideas about who u r, u will have ideas about how u should be, and criticise urself; u should be bigger, smaller, smarter, better looking.
When u honestly don't know. U cannot give urself a hard time. U don't know because u cannot be known. That's freedom, then. When u cannot pinpoint urself with ur mind, then u r free.
(Aug 25 - now facing the second hurdle with Z. Yday my mind was judging me but today it has stopped)
Feeling joyous
Aug 1
Father, woke up 4 am to do hata. Body was fine. Hata not so great and then I did breathing. As I got into it, body start to get more nimble. I started with Shakti but don't have the heart to do it. So, I stop at 5.40 am and slept back till 6.50 am. I still experience the excretion of body heat. So, meditation is still better than hata in re-energising.
I took the plunge. I just msg Z for a meet-up tomorrow. I cannot leave this hanging. I need to know the conclusion.
On my job, I am now convinced I don't have the energy or rather I am not willing to spend energy just to get a salary. It doesn't bring me well-being or joy. It is just sloughing through.
What is needed for resolution?
Stress
Soul
When I saw this on Monday, I tot not possible as Sl is doing P & L. And here I am sloughing again, E just throw another screw, this time on Commission. For the past few weeks, he has put screws to all my reporting lines. Anyway, it will be fine.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The presence of the mind, and with it understanding, is both the cause of our suffering, and the possibility for us to experience ourselves deeply, expansively and creatively. The moment we have a mind, understanding becomes imperative, since without understanding suffering would simply continue.
When u have a mind, it becomes natural to have ideas about things and about urself. U have memory, from which u create images of who u r and because of this, u develop fears and desires. Without memory, there would be no fears and no desires.
If u didn't remember the past, u wouldn't be frightened now; and if u didn't recall the good times, u would have no desires and longings. Without the capacity for remembering, there would be no suffering. U be like a contented tree or animal.
What understanding gives us is the possibility of actually seeing through this process. Without understanding, u will just identify with these old self images and go on believing that u r a person who has such and such a quality, who is weak or dumb, who eats too much or gets taken advantage or feel nervous at parties and so forth. Self-image upon self-image.
Soul
I used to think myself can only have value by working. Now I don't. I used to think I must have value to be lovable, but now I don't.
I used to think I am unlovable, now I don't. I can now take rejection without feeling I m unlovable.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The idea of a person is not something u learned only from ur parents; it's human conditioning. However, our deepest nature is not that of a person. We can manifest as a person, but at the deepest level, we are something that is the source of the person. When we come to the understanding that reveals the truth rather than the falsehood, then it is functioning more as a process of unfoldment itself. Seeing one layer of our reality and understanding it, is the same thing as that layer coming out, unfolding like a flower opening up. Understanding becomes the same thing as the process of actually living ur unfoldment.
Because u understand ur experience of joy, for instance, u experience urself as joy. U become light, happy and joyous; u start joking and become bubbly and can't stop laughing.
What does understanding means then? Part of it, which is revealing the falsehood, see whatever barrier stopped u from being joy. Then u understand what it is to be joy. To understand what it is to be joy means to be joy consciously, means actually feel it as ur very atoms.
Soul
I m experiencing.
Father, woke up 4 am to do hata. Body was fine. Hata not so great and then I did breathing. As I got into it, body start to get more nimble. I started with Shakti but don't have the heart to do it. So, I stop at 5.40 am and slept back till 6.50 am. I still experience the excretion of body heat. So, meditation is still better than hata in re-energising.
I took the plunge. I just msg Z for a meet-up tomorrow. I cannot leave this hanging. I need to know the conclusion.
On my job, I am now convinced I don't have the energy or rather I am not willing to spend energy just to get a salary. It doesn't bring me well-being or joy. It is just sloughing through.
What is needed for resolution?
Stress
Soul
When I saw this on Monday, I tot not possible as Sl is doing P & L. And here I am sloughing again, E just throw another screw, this time on Commission. For the past few weeks, he has put screws to all my reporting lines. Anyway, it will be fine.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The presence of the mind, and with it understanding, is both the cause of our suffering, and the possibility for us to experience ourselves deeply, expansively and creatively. The moment we have a mind, understanding becomes imperative, since without understanding suffering would simply continue.
When u have a mind, it becomes natural to have ideas about things and about urself. U have memory, from which u create images of who u r and because of this, u develop fears and desires. Without memory, there would be no fears and no desires.
If u didn't remember the past, u wouldn't be frightened now; and if u didn't recall the good times, u would have no desires and longings. Without the capacity for remembering, there would be no suffering. U be like a contented tree or animal.
What understanding gives us is the possibility of actually seeing through this process. Without understanding, u will just identify with these old self images and go on believing that u r a person who has such and such a quality, who is weak or dumb, who eats too much or gets taken advantage or feel nervous at parties and so forth. Self-image upon self-image.
Soul
I used to think myself can only have value by working. Now I don't. I used to think I must have value to be lovable, but now I don't.
I used to think I am unlovable, now I don't. I can now take rejection without feeling I m unlovable.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The idea of a person is not something u learned only from ur parents; it's human conditioning. However, our deepest nature is not that of a person. We can manifest as a person, but at the deepest level, we are something that is the source of the person. When we come to the understanding that reveals the truth rather than the falsehood, then it is functioning more as a process of unfoldment itself. Seeing one layer of our reality and understanding it, is the same thing as that layer coming out, unfolding like a flower opening up. Understanding becomes the same thing as the process of actually living ur unfoldment.
Because u understand ur experience of joy, for instance, u experience urself as joy. U become light, happy and joyous; u start joking and become bubbly and can't stop laughing.
What does understanding means then? Part of it, which is revealing the falsehood, see whatever barrier stopped u from being joy. Then u understand what it is to be joy. To understand what it is to be joy means to be joy consciously, means actually feel it as ur very atoms.
Soul
I m experiencing.
Feeling joyful after the decision to quit the corporate job
Jul 31 Aft
Father, I got tons of work to do. But of cos, it is great Sl is here to do the P & L.
I just laughed it off. I feel a bit drunk with joy.
P asked me to move on since Z has requested for break up.
On Z, I recalled I told him about a Singapore's colleague experience whose wife had cleaned out his savings. I guess he sees that as a reflection of my fear. And I also send him pix of the expensive restaurant and to him also makes him feel bad. And I think it is also possible that his Stevia deal didn't go through and so that added to his whole depression. Anyway, he doesn't want to take my calls and I already said what need to be said.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Outsider
So u r feeling urself an outsider. This is good. This is the transitory period. Now u have to be alert not to fill urself with pain and misery.
It is not surprising if this feeling of being small, helpless child arises as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. It is so deeply rooted that it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting urself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included.
Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
Soul
I m still not sad over Z. Perhaps Sl is right, I am still thinking he will come back, still hoping. As days gone by and he didn't revert, then I will feel the rejection and maybe then I be sad.
At the moment, I am still hopeful. And also, I feel bit of relieve if this is over. I could not have done this on my own. The unexpected break up and its timing is perfect.
3. External influence
Sharing
As u move above the fourth center - that is the heart - ur whole life becomes a sharing of love. The third center has created the abundance of love. By reaching the third center in meditation, u have become so overflowing with love, with compassion, and u want to share it.
As a meditator reached the center of his being - the third center - suddenly an explosion of love and compassion and joy and blissfulness and benediction has arisen in him with such force that it hits his heart and open the heart.
Everything around u seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground urself in it, and let the abundance in u and around u overflow.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel. So much joy and laughter coming out. It is just spontaneous, doesn't even require the water as conductor.
I was also able to share my love with Z despite being rejected. And I didn't even delete him and still love him.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Stress
There is no need for me to make any struggle, any effort; there is no need for me to fight for anything. I can relax and be.
Soul
I m learning. I just laughed it off.
5. Resolution
The Burden
A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming.
The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot become ur soul.
Soul
Yea. Just be myself. No need to become. I am.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When u know that u r something beyond ur body, mind, emotion, sensations, that there is a lot more to u which is deeper than these things, ur point of view about life will change.
If all ur life you've looked for somebody to love u, and then find that ur nature is love, what will happen to that search. U then are no longer the bee looking for the nectar; u r the flower itself.
Suddenly ur perspective is totally shifted; now there will be something else to do with ur life other than searching for love.
We need to learn how to learn. Then we can go about finding who we are, what's really about, what life is about, what is really good, what we are supposed to go after. We even might ask whether it is good to go after the good at all. We might find out, when we discover what is really the good, the ultimate good, the supreme good, for instance, that it is a quality of the supreme that u don't go after.
Father, I got tons of work to do. But of cos, it is great Sl is here to do the P & L.
I just laughed it off. I feel a bit drunk with joy.
P asked me to move on since Z has requested for break up.
On Z, I recalled I told him about a Singapore's colleague experience whose wife had cleaned out his savings. I guess he sees that as a reflection of my fear. And I also send him pix of the expensive restaurant and to him also makes him feel bad. And I think it is also possible that his Stevia deal didn't go through and so that added to his whole depression. Anyway, he doesn't want to take my calls and I already said what need to be said.
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Outsider
So u r feeling urself an outsider. This is good. This is the transitory period. Now u have to be alert not to fill urself with pain and misery.
It is not surprising if this feeling of being small, helpless child arises as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. It is so deeply rooted that it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting urself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included.
Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
Soul
I m still not sad over Z. Perhaps Sl is right, I am still thinking he will come back, still hoping. As days gone by and he didn't revert, then I will feel the rejection and maybe then I be sad.
At the moment, I am still hopeful. And also, I feel bit of relieve if this is over. I could not have done this on my own. The unexpected break up and its timing is perfect.
3. External influence
Sharing
As u move above the fourth center - that is the heart - ur whole life becomes a sharing of love. The third center has created the abundance of love. By reaching the third center in meditation, u have become so overflowing with love, with compassion, and u want to share it.
As a meditator reached the center of his being - the third center - suddenly an explosion of love and compassion and joy and blissfulness and benediction has arisen in him with such force that it hits his heart and open the heart.
Everything around u seems to be "coming together" now. Enjoy it, ground urself in it, and let the abundance in u and around u overflow.
Soul
That's exactly how I feel. So much joy and laughter coming out. It is just spontaneous, doesn't even require the water as conductor.
I was also able to share my love with Z despite being rejected. And I didn't even delete him and still love him.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Stress
There is no need for me to make any struggle, any effort; there is no need for me to fight for anything. I can relax and be.
Soul
I m learning. I just laughed it off.
5. Resolution
The Burden
A man's true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming.
The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot become ur soul.
Soul
Yea. Just be myself. No need to become. I am.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When u know that u r something beyond ur body, mind, emotion, sensations, that there is a lot more to u which is deeper than these things, ur point of view about life will change.
If all ur life you've looked for somebody to love u, and then find that ur nature is love, what will happen to that search. U then are no longer the bee looking for the nectar; u r the flower itself.
Suddenly ur perspective is totally shifted; now there will be something else to do with ur life other than searching for love.
We need to learn how to learn. Then we can go about finding who we are, what's really about, what life is about, what is really good, what we are supposed to go after. We even might ask whether it is good to go after the good at all. We might find out, when we discover what is really the good, the ultimate good, the supreme good, for instance, that it is a quality of the supreme that u don't go after.
King of Spades - Rebel; Master of my own Destiny
Jul 31
Father, I woke up at 4 am. But don't feel like doing hata. Besides, I now realised none of Isha members are not as gung ho as me. Most of them are not diligent in their practices. So, I gave myself a break. I did my breathing, shakti and shambavi - quite good.
One thing I noticed is that by doing the practices, it take away the heat from the body and I felt refreshed. I guess the heat was the excretion of stress from the body.
I tot of Sl and her rship with her boss. Alas she now admit she is in love with him but there is no chance. And yet, she continue to hold on and savour any little attention she can have.
I tot of me and Z. Yea, I too was like that. But now, I have grown up. I found my joy and his absence won't detract it. I love him and I want to be with him but in a committed relationship. I want us to know each other families. And if he cannot offer that, I can let go.
Father, this morning I was laughing during aum chanting. Then when I was driving, a tree branches caught my eyes and we were laughing together.
I have told my family about my 3 days job and I took a 50% salary cut. They asked what I am going to do the 2 days and why I retire so early. I replied it is a blessing that I can semi-retired early. So, don't have to ask why. Just appreciate it.
Father, all of us looked for happiness. The way is inward. I found mine.
1. The Issue
The Rebel
People are afraid, very much afraid of those who know themselves. The enlightened man cannot be enslaved. He is the greatest stranger in the world; he does not seem to belong to anybody. No organisation confines him, no community, no society, no nation.
The Rebel is clearly the master of his own destiny. On his shoulder is an emblem of the sun and the torch he holds in his right hand symbolises the light of his own hard-won truth.
Whether he is wealthy or poor, the Rebel is really an emperor because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.
The Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.
Soul
Father, suddenly a tot came. I can do HR and Legal in new company. It deals with people and contracts. Something I like. And it can be 3 days job. J can keep her recruitment. Me, just focus on people handling and communication and paperwork. I don't like to do anything figure related, fast paced or etc.
(Aug 28 - trying to hold on)
Father, I woke up at 4 am. But don't feel like doing hata. Besides, I now realised none of Isha members are not as gung ho as me. Most of them are not diligent in their practices. So, I gave myself a break. I did my breathing, shakti and shambavi - quite good.
One thing I noticed is that by doing the practices, it take away the heat from the body and I felt refreshed. I guess the heat was the excretion of stress from the body.
I tot of Sl and her rship with her boss. Alas she now admit she is in love with him but there is no chance. And yet, she continue to hold on and savour any little attention she can have.
I tot of me and Z. Yea, I too was like that. But now, I have grown up. I found my joy and his absence won't detract it. I love him and I want to be with him but in a committed relationship. I want us to know each other families. And if he cannot offer that, I can let go.
Father, this morning I was laughing during aum chanting. Then when I was driving, a tree branches caught my eyes and we were laughing together.
I have told my family about my 3 days job and I took a 50% salary cut. They asked what I am going to do the 2 days and why I retire so early. I replied it is a blessing that I can semi-retired early. So, don't have to ask why. Just appreciate it.
Father, all of us looked for happiness. The way is inward. I found mine.
1. The Issue
The Rebel
People are afraid, very much afraid of those who know themselves. The enlightened man cannot be enslaved. He is the greatest stranger in the world; he does not seem to belong to anybody. No organisation confines him, no community, no society, no nation.
The Rebel is clearly the master of his own destiny. On his shoulder is an emblem of the sun and the torch he holds in his right hand symbolises the light of his own hard-won truth.
Whether he is wealthy or poor, the Rebel is really an emperor because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.
The Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.
Soul
Father, suddenly a tot came. I can do HR and Legal in new company. It deals with people and contracts. Something I like. And it can be 3 days job. J can keep her recruitment. Me, just focus on people handling and communication and paperwork. I don't like to do anything figure related, fast paced or etc.
(Aug 28 - trying to hold on)
Settling down with my exit from corporate world
Jul 30 Eve
Father, I was surprised at myself. I can share with Sl on Z breaking up with me.
Sl said I don't look sad. If it was her, she be real sad. I said I love him but I am not so sad cos I too don't want us to continue the hidden way.
So, I look at the 'break up' as a catalyst. It can either brings us closer or it is a finale. Either way is fine with me.
Today E asked me to stay and build my team. He said I will be freed up later. But I told him that I don't trust him. I know when I am freed up, he will throw another section to me. Let's face it, he is a Ten of Diamond ruling card; continuous work.
When I drive home, I felt bit delirious with happiness. I can talk to the trees and I enjoy their beauty. I know my decisions is right. I want to see the light when I finished my job. I don't want it to be night. Working with E would be that. Excitement plus late nights and I would miss the trees. I was laughing and then crying out of gratitude. It is such a blessings that I have received.
Osho - celebration
The man who is really a master - and when I say "really a master" I mean: whose presence can help disciples; not that he does something, his presence is just a catalytic agent - in his presence things happen.
The Master had not done it. The disciple has allowed it. Hence the happening is basically dependent on ur allowing it. If u allow, things will happen in the presence of a master. If things happen in the presence of master when u allow, then he is a master.
Soul
Sadhguru is a master. In his presence, things just happen with me.
Father, I was surprised at myself. I can share with Sl on Z breaking up with me.
Sl said I don't look sad. If it was her, she be real sad. I said I love him but I am not so sad cos I too don't want us to continue the hidden way.
So, I look at the 'break up' as a catalyst. It can either brings us closer or it is a finale. Either way is fine with me.
Today E asked me to stay and build my team. He said I will be freed up later. But I told him that I don't trust him. I know when I am freed up, he will throw another section to me. Let's face it, he is a Ten of Diamond ruling card; continuous work.
When I drive home, I felt bit delirious with happiness. I can talk to the trees and I enjoy their beauty. I know my decisions is right. I want to see the light when I finished my job. I don't want it to be night. Working with E would be that. Excitement plus late nights and I would miss the trees. I was laughing and then crying out of gratitude. It is such a blessings that I have received.
Osho - celebration
The man who is really a master - and when I say "really a master" I mean: whose presence can help disciples; not that he does something, his presence is just a catalytic agent - in his presence things happen.
The Master had not done it. The disciple has allowed it. Hence the happening is basically dependent on ur allowing it. If u allow, things will happen in the presence of a master. If things happen in the presence of master when u allow, then he is a master.
Soul
Sadhguru is a master. In his presence, things just happen with me.
Z now facing his drama...
Jul 30
I woke up at 4.05 am. My body was awake. I did my suria, quite effortless and I didn't doze. Then I continue with breathing, shakti and shambavi. Today I had to take quick one as stomach was bit painful due to curry yesterday. But overall is good.
Father, I am back at old company and I will need to ensure our structure work. The FC tot my 3 days was non-working. Well, it is working and I know I can do it. In fact, that's was my original plan. Of course, what was not good was S and Sh is no more.
Yea, I can have regrets but I think it be fine, I can do it again. I will re-build the team.
Father, I finally open up to Z on the children matters. My msg to him:
Just like u thinking I don't want u becos of ur financials. I too tot u don't want me becos of me not able to have children. At times, I also think that I should let u go and find another gal who can give u children. But I m more selfish than u, I want u for myself.
Let's just open u. He already opened up the financials issue and I might as well open up the children issue. I think the children is a bigger one to him, rather than my wealth. Whatever will be will be.
Diamond Heart - book 3
We see that it is not only a matter of what u think is good for u, but who or what u take urself to be.
How do u know what is good for u if u don't know who u r?
If u don't find out who u r, how are u ever going to know if the life u live is the life u really want?
We have all kinds of feelings, emotions, reactions, preferences and prejudices that we take for granted and try to live by. They r based on knowledge we take for granted and try to live by, but which might very well be erroneous.
Fear is dependent on what we think we are. Most of the things people find frightening are scare because of ignorance. People are scared of anger, of sadness, of love, of dependence, of independence, of emptiness and etc. Why? Because they don't know; they don't have the right knowledge of these things.
Some people are scared of aloneness, some are scared of feeling big, some are scared of feeling happy and some are scared of feeling scared. They think these are bad things to feel because what they think they know about them makes them seem dangerous.
The more we gain knowledge of who we are, the more our desires for what we think is good for us will change and reflect reality, become objective.
And the more our belief about what is good corresponds to what we actually are, the better chance there is to be fulfilled, to live in harmony and peace.
Soul
Father, him changing his mind on having children is the same as me changing my mind on financial security.
I woke up at 4.05 am. My body was awake. I did my suria, quite effortless and I didn't doze. Then I continue with breathing, shakti and shambavi. Today I had to take quick one as stomach was bit painful due to curry yesterday. But overall is good.
Father, I am back at old company and I will need to ensure our structure work. The FC tot my 3 days was non-working. Well, it is working and I know I can do it. In fact, that's was my original plan. Of course, what was not good was S and Sh is no more.
Yea, I can have regrets but I think it be fine, I can do it again. I will re-build the team.
Father, I finally open up to Z on the children matters. My msg to him:
Just like u thinking I don't want u becos of ur financials. I too tot u don't want me becos of me not able to have children. At times, I also think that I should let u go and find another gal who can give u children. But I m more selfish than u, I want u for myself.
Let's just open u. He already opened up the financials issue and I might as well open up the children issue. I think the children is a bigger one to him, rather than my wealth. Whatever will be will be.
Diamond Heart - book 3
We see that it is not only a matter of what u think is good for u, but who or what u take urself to be.
How do u know what is good for u if u don't know who u r?
If u don't find out who u r, how are u ever going to know if the life u live is the life u really want?
We have all kinds of feelings, emotions, reactions, preferences and prejudices that we take for granted and try to live by. They r based on knowledge we take for granted and try to live by, but which might very well be erroneous.
Fear is dependent on what we think we are. Most of the things people find frightening are scare because of ignorance. People are scared of anger, of sadness, of love, of dependence, of independence, of emptiness and etc. Why? Because they don't know; they don't have the right knowledge of these things.
Some people are scared of aloneness, some are scared of feeling big, some are scared of feeling happy and some are scared of feeling scared. They think these are bad things to feel because what they think they know about them makes them seem dangerous.
The more we gain knowledge of who we are, the more our desires for what we think is good for us will change and reflect reality, become objective.
And the more our belief about what is good corresponds to what we actually are, the better chance there is to be fulfilled, to live in harmony and peace.
Soul
Father, him changing his mind on having children is the same as me changing my mind on financial security.
Staying calm while Z is having his drama
Jul 29 Eve
When I watched the movie, the destruction. Suddenly I tot my drama with Z. Similar to an olden day show whereby the guy is poor and gal is rich. The guy feel insecure and asked the gal to look for another man equal to her financial standing.
Also I tot of me with my non-child issue. His desire is to have children and here I m not keen and most likely cannot have. At times, I tot I should just let him go to find a gal that can bear him children. But after a while, I don't think of it.
So, we are equal now.
After the show I msg him. I told him that I wish he was here with me. He read the msg but didn't reply. That's a good sign.
There is hope for us when he reply this morning. I think his outburst yesterday was before he read my msg about desires vs dreams.
I just let him be. Just give him the quiet support that he needed. Just let him know I am still waiting for him and I want him.
I guess this is a start. All the while it was me and my drama. For the first time, it was his. Luckily I didn't react too much. I think we can pull through this.
I guess this is what they meant by compromise. When one party is feeling insecure and lashes it out, the other one is to stay calm, don't let it trigger their own insecurities and hence won't react negatively and create explosion.
That's how one goes through.
He has hold on his calm throughout all my dramas. Time I do the same for him.
When I watched the movie, the destruction. Suddenly I tot my drama with Z. Similar to an olden day show whereby the guy is poor and gal is rich. The guy feel insecure and asked the gal to look for another man equal to her financial standing.
Also I tot of me with my non-child issue. His desire is to have children and here I m not keen and most likely cannot have. At times, I tot I should just let him go to find a gal that can bear him children. But after a while, I don't think of it.
So, we are equal now.
After the show I msg him. I told him that I wish he was here with me. He read the msg but didn't reply. That's a good sign.
There is hope for us when he reply this morning. I think his outburst yesterday was before he read my msg about desires vs dreams.
I just let him be. Just give him the quiet support that he needed. Just let him know I am still waiting for him and I want him.
I guess this is a start. All the while it was me and my drama. For the first time, it was his. Luckily I didn't react too much. I think we can pull through this.
I guess this is what they meant by compromise. When one party is feeling insecure and lashes it out, the other one is to stay calm, don't let it trigger their own insecurities and hence won't react negatively and create explosion.
That's how one goes through.
He has hold on his calm throughout all my dramas. Time I do the same for him.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Trying to accept the break up with Z
Jul 29
Father, I re-read his msg. I have misunderstood his msg of travels. He meant he was busy travelling and hence couldn't talk to me on ending our rship. He is not referring to travel with me. He was callous. I could never relate how his ex-wife could get a lawyer in. Alas, now he is doing something similar.
Father, I have to take his previous msg of asking me to move on as the real one.
So, we are finally off. I am fine. Previously I tot I would break down, but I am fine. Love and money is there. There is no longer any fear of loss. Its not worth it. I put my heart out and he trample over it. Alas, I m not in his Top 5 and he doesn't want someone who cannot stand his financials.
Move on. The timing is perfect and I would take the visit to India for healing.
And I would only take him back if we openly declare our relationship. I am no longer willing for it to be hidden. Anyway, just go with the flow.
(Aug 21 - we are back tentatively together and I told him I wanted us to have dates like other normal couples. He didn't reject my suggestion)
Receptivity
The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty or thought of merit or reward are important.
Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now.
Soul
I tot of him. Alas, he realised how bad his financials were. He used to think it is fine. But it is not. Perhaps me being able to quit and take a 50% salary cut makes him see that he can never do that. If he just stop working for awhile, whole thing crumble as he has no savings at all.
As for me, I never like how we are in a hidden relationship. But I continued because of my commitment to my lesson. Alas, when I breakthru the money issue, the break up comes on its own accord. And the timing is perfect. Because it happens the same time as my breakthru in money, I could handle this break up much easier. So, I only have gratitude.
A new beginning for everything. By age 48, I be with a guy in Club sign. So, let's see. No wonder now I can see new beginning in relationships. Its ok. Whatever will be, will be. My joy is intact.
(Aug 21 - my defense mechanism reacting to his rejection of me. So, I start to reject him too.)
Diamond Heart - Book 3
Our minds determine how we want to be, what we want to do, everything, really about how we live our lives.
First, we do what we believe to be the good; and second, everything we do, every little thing, depends on what we think we know.
Third, our education doesn't give us a complete perspective on the value of knowledge: we are taught to restrict it to certain areas and to limit its value.
When we realise these two points, it becomes easy to know what we are doing here: we are trying to find the correct knowledge of what is good and what is not good. What is really good for u? Is ur belief about what is good for u true! Is what u believe to be the best way to do things really the best way?
Everyone does what he thinks is good. There is no bad person, there is no evil person; there is only the ignorant person.
Father, I re-read his msg. I have misunderstood his msg of travels. He meant he was busy travelling and hence couldn't talk to me on ending our rship. He is not referring to travel with me. He was callous. I could never relate how his ex-wife could get a lawyer in. Alas, now he is doing something similar.
Father, I have to take his previous msg of asking me to move on as the real one.
So, we are finally off. I am fine. Previously I tot I would break down, but I am fine. Love and money is there. There is no longer any fear of loss. Its not worth it. I put my heart out and he trample over it. Alas, I m not in his Top 5 and he doesn't want someone who cannot stand his financials.
Move on. The timing is perfect and I would take the visit to India for healing.
And I would only take him back if we openly declare our relationship. I am no longer willing for it to be hidden. Anyway, just go with the flow.
(Aug 21 - we are back tentatively together and I told him I wanted us to have dates like other normal couples. He didn't reject my suggestion)
Receptivity
The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty or thought of merit or reward are important.
Sensitivity, intuition and compassion are the qualities that shine forth now.
Soul
I tot of him. Alas, he realised how bad his financials were. He used to think it is fine. But it is not. Perhaps me being able to quit and take a 50% salary cut makes him see that he can never do that. If he just stop working for awhile, whole thing crumble as he has no savings at all.
As for me, I never like how we are in a hidden relationship. But I continued because of my commitment to my lesson. Alas, when I breakthru the money issue, the break up comes on its own accord. And the timing is perfect. Because it happens the same time as my breakthru in money, I could handle this break up much easier. So, I only have gratitude.
A new beginning for everything. By age 48, I be with a guy in Club sign. So, let's see. No wonder now I can see new beginning in relationships. Its ok. Whatever will be, will be. My joy is intact.
(Aug 21 - my defense mechanism reacting to his rejection of me. So, I start to reject him too.)
Diamond Heart - Book 3
Our minds determine how we want to be, what we want to do, everything, really about how we live our lives.
First, we do what we believe to be the good; and second, everything we do, every little thing, depends on what we think we know.
Third, our education doesn't give us a complete perspective on the value of knowledge: we are taught to restrict it to certain areas and to limit its value.
When we realise these two points, it becomes easy to know what we are doing here: we are trying to find the correct knowledge of what is good and what is not good. What is really good for u? Is ur belief about what is good for u true! Is what u believe to be the best way to do things really the best way?
Everyone does what he thinks is good. There is no bad person, there is no evil person; there is only the ignorant person.
Z feeling insecure about me
Jul 28 Eve
Father, I met V.
He said Z is very affected by me. He is now feeling sorry for himself. Me, being able to resign from my job and take a 50% salary cuts just show how financially strong I am. This makes him feel bad.
He is already trying his best to do biz but so far nothing turns up. He is now feeling pressured to deliver especially since he knew my need for financial security. Since he think he cannot meet, I will leave him in future. He might as well give up trying and ask me to leave him now. For him, short term pain better than long term.
I told V that Z said he is not affected by me. V said that is just his pride and Z is definitely affected by me.
I agree, that's was why I tot his reaction was positive and we go in one step deeper. But he is trying to run away, to avoid facing us. To avoid confrontation.
I have msg him and called him a few times. I can only do so much.
He replied by asking me to move on. Keep on saying his financials is bad. He also doesn't want to pick my calls. Father, I don't mind the ending. But to end this way is so ghastly.
I felt hurt by the way he end it. It was so abrupt, so unexpected.
I am less hurt by the ending.
Perhaps it is best, he can do it but I cannot.
An ending of both love and money.
I will let go and the time in India will be for my recovery.
No worries, I m love and I have money too.
(Aug 21 - the next morning he msg me saying that he was busy watching Olympics and hence didn't hear my calls.)
Father, I met V.
He said Z is very affected by me. He is now feeling sorry for himself. Me, being able to resign from my job and take a 50% salary cuts just show how financially strong I am. This makes him feel bad.
He is already trying his best to do biz but so far nothing turns up. He is now feeling pressured to deliver especially since he knew my need for financial security. Since he think he cannot meet, I will leave him in future. He might as well give up trying and ask me to leave him now. For him, short term pain better than long term.
I told V that Z said he is not affected by me. V said that is just his pride and Z is definitely affected by me.
I agree, that's was why I tot his reaction was positive and we go in one step deeper. But he is trying to run away, to avoid facing us. To avoid confrontation.
I have msg him and called him a few times. I can only do so much.
He replied by asking me to move on. Keep on saying his financials is bad. He also doesn't want to pick my calls. Father, I don't mind the ending. But to end this way is so ghastly.
I felt hurt by the way he end it. It was so abrupt, so unexpected.
I am less hurt by the ending.
Perhaps it is best, he can do it but I cannot.
An ending of both love and money.
I will let go and the time in India will be for my recovery.
No worries, I m love and I have money too.
(Aug 21 - the next morning he msg me saying that he was busy watching Olympics and hence didn't hear my calls.)
Feeling joyful despite losing Z
Jul 28 Aft
I swam and it was lovely. I was singing; "Reunited", a new song for me. I was laughing in the pool. I just felt happy.
A tot came to me, love and money going out. It is to make me know love and money is still there.
For my job, I drop 50%
Father, its a cry for love. He felt rejected, he is worried that I leave him because of money so he prefers we end it now.
I can do the easy thing and leave him because he doesn't love me. But I do love him and I know its enough to cover us.
Anyway, I just msg him that it is not easy to leave him and I decide after I come back from India.
(Aug 21 - no wonder no calls nor response from him. He wanted me to be doubly sure that I wanted him. That is why he waited till I come back from Ashram.)
Uranus - unexpected events may rock ur expectations but also brings in good things u have not tot about.
Six of Spade
Strongest karma card. U can expect a smoothing out of affairs.
A settling of all affairs and at the same time bring some much needed peace into ur life.
I swam and it was lovely. I was singing; "Reunited", a new song for me. I was laughing in the pool. I just felt happy.
A tot came to me, love and money going out. It is to make me know love and money is still there.
For my job, I drop 50%
Father, its a cry for love. He felt rejected, he is worried that I leave him because of money so he prefers we end it now.
I can do the easy thing and leave him because he doesn't love me. But I do love him and I know its enough to cover us.
Anyway, I just msg him that it is not easy to leave him and I decide after I come back from India.
(Aug 21 - no wonder no calls nor response from him. He wanted me to be doubly sure that I wanted him. That is why he waited till I come back from Ashram.)
Uranus - unexpected events may rock ur expectations but also brings in good things u have not tot about.
Six of Spade
Strongest karma card. U can expect a smoothing out of affairs.
A settling of all affairs and at the same time bring some much needed peace into ur life.
Z wanted to break up
Jul 28 Morning
My commitment to the relationship is that we won't break up unless Z wanted to. Many times I really wanted to but something hold me back. What holds me back was my love for him and my lesson in unlovability.
He has his financial issue and I feel insecure about it. We have always talked openly about it. But this week, I resign from my new job and he was triggered. When I was in dilemma of resigning due to my issue of money insecurity, he picked it up.
I wonder whether he is worried that I took at part time job and then expect him to take care. I think its because he finally realised he cannot afford me.
Anyway, he asked me to go and look for another guy. He said I am afraid of his financials. I told him yes, and he cannot afford me. But then he cannot afford all his properties either but he still keep them. He reverted that its because the properties in his Top 5. I replied that he is in my Top 5 but I am no in his Top 5. I let go of him as requested.
(Aug 21 - Z and I are back together. He told me he has just sold off one of his property. He knows he cannot afford to keep 2. I am glad he listen)
Tears fell and I am sad. But I don't feel unlovable. I still love him and want him despite my fear of his financials.
Finally, I overcome my issue on money. I was willing to go for xk and turn out I still have xxk. Looks like I finally sorted out my money issue and with that Z also is out from my life.
We are ending because Z cannot afford me and he realised it. Perhaps that is his take back, finally knowing that he cannot have everything. Knowing that sometimes he really cannot afford it. Hope this realisation will go to his financials too.
(Aug 21 - Z told me he now knows that the extra money to be pumped back into his business. He also told me about his savings and he can now give me money if I want to.)
For me...timing is perfect. Both ending of money and lovability issue and I got back to Ashram to energise myself.
My commitment to the relationship is that we won't break up unless Z wanted to. Many times I really wanted to but something hold me back. What holds me back was my love for him and my lesson in unlovability.
He has his financial issue and I feel insecure about it. We have always talked openly about it. But this week, I resign from my new job and he was triggered. When I was in dilemma of resigning due to my issue of money insecurity, he picked it up.
I wonder whether he is worried that I took at part time job and then expect him to take care. I think its because he finally realised he cannot afford me.
Anyway, he asked me to go and look for another guy. He said I am afraid of his financials. I told him yes, and he cannot afford me. But then he cannot afford all his properties either but he still keep them. He reverted that its because the properties in his Top 5. I replied that he is in my Top 5 but I am no in his Top 5. I let go of him as requested.
(Aug 21 - Z and I are back together. He told me he has just sold off one of his property. He knows he cannot afford to keep 2. I am glad he listen)
Tears fell and I am sad. But I don't feel unlovable. I still love him and want him despite my fear of his financials.
Finally, I overcome my issue on money. I was willing to go for xk and turn out I still have xxk. Looks like I finally sorted out my money issue and with that Z also is out from my life.
We are ending because Z cannot afford me and he realised it. Perhaps that is his take back, finally knowing that he cannot have everything. Knowing that sometimes he really cannot afford it. Hope this realisation will go to his financials too.
(Aug 21 - Z told me he now knows that the extra money to be pumped back into his business. He also told me about his savings and he can now give me money if I want to.)
For me...timing is perfect. Both ending of money and lovability issue and I got back to Ashram to energise myself.
Releasing new job, release my tension
Jul 27 Eve
Father, I feel good. I feel at ease. Even E's mail of queries doesn't affect me. Infact, now I see it as just him asking questions and learning.
I just changed my mind. He was just pushing to the extreme again. Why the need to achieve?
Thank God, I no longer works for him. I have made my decision and I even shared with SS. Earlier I tot it was just xk and now I still get an extra xk, which is more than enough for me. No change to my life style at all.
Today, I went to the Isha meet and V told me I look relaxed vs tense for the past few months. Well, I have dropped my baggage.
On Z, I tried to call him a few times but no response and no replies. Then I got bit angry but this time not sad. This time it was him, not being respectful and courteous and not me being unlovable. I don't take it so personally as before. But after 3rd round, I started to react with mental rejection. But alas, I didn't act on it and instead just msg that I am sad that he didn't return call.
Father, I feel good. I feel at ease. Even E's mail of queries doesn't affect me. Infact, now I see it as just him asking questions and learning.
I just changed my mind. He was just pushing to the extreme again. Why the need to achieve?
Thank God, I no longer works for him. I have made my decision and I even shared with SS. Earlier I tot it was just xk and now I still get an extra xk, which is more than enough for me. No change to my life style at all.
Today, I went to the Isha meet and V told me I look relaxed vs tense for the past few months. Well, I have dropped my baggage.
On Z, I tried to call him a few times but no response and no replies. Then I got bit angry but this time not sad. This time it was him, not being respectful and courteous and not me being unlovable. I don't take it so personally as before. But after 3rd round, I started to react with mental rejection. But alas, I didn't act on it and instead just msg that I am sad that he didn't return call.
Focus on my happiness instead of my fear
Jul 27
Father, its true I got desires and its normal to want money and security. But my happiness and health is more important now. No worries on my car, will just refinance.
I now realise why I went for the new job. It was not because of glory, I was running because my fear of insecurity was triggered. Now I am also afraid but I know old company cash flow is fine and I be fine. No worries. Don't let my fear drives me, just focus on my happiness.
This time leaving new company is not because of fear but its because of happiness.
Osho day
Playfulness
The moment u start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on ur heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love - everything disappears.
One starts living with a very light weight or almost now eight. So weightless one becomes, one can fly in the open sky.
Zen has created a world of its own which is very playful, full of laughter, where even great masters behave like children.
Commentary
Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be and when we recognise this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play.
The woman in this card is celebrating the joy of being alive, like a butterfly that has emerges from its chrysalis into the promise of the light. She reminds us of the time when we were children, discovering seashells on the beach without any concern that the waves might come and wash them away in the next moment.
She knows that life is a game, and she is playing the part of a clown right now with no sense of embarrassment or pretense.
When the page of Fire enters ur life, it is a sign that u r ready for the fresh and the new. Something wonderful is just on the horizon and u have just the right quality of playful innocence and clarity to welcome it with open arms.
Five of Diamonds
Indicates a change in ur financial condition.
At the deepest level, it signal a change in values. If our values, what we want from life changes, it is likely that many other changes will occur at the same time. We could move to new location, get a new job or even change relationship.
Father, its true I got desires and its normal to want money and security. But my happiness and health is more important now. No worries on my car, will just refinance.
I now realise why I went for the new job. It was not because of glory, I was running because my fear of insecurity was triggered. Now I am also afraid but I know old company cash flow is fine and I be fine. No worries. Don't let my fear drives me, just focus on my happiness.
This time leaving new company is not because of fear but its because of happiness.
Osho day
Playfulness
The moment u start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on ur heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love - everything disappears.
One starts living with a very light weight or almost now eight. So weightless one becomes, one can fly in the open sky.
Zen has created a world of its own which is very playful, full of laughter, where even great masters behave like children.
Commentary
Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be and when we recognise this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play.
The woman in this card is celebrating the joy of being alive, like a butterfly that has emerges from its chrysalis into the promise of the light. She reminds us of the time when we were children, discovering seashells on the beach without any concern that the waves might come and wash them away in the next moment.
She knows that life is a game, and she is playing the part of a clown right now with no sense of embarrassment or pretense.
When the page of Fire enters ur life, it is a sign that u r ready for the fresh and the new. Something wonderful is just on the horizon and u have just the right quality of playful innocence and clarity to welcome it with open arms.
Five of Diamonds
Indicates a change in ur financial condition.
At the deepest level, it signal a change in values. If our values, what we want from life changes, it is likely that many other changes will occur at the same time. We could move to new location, get a new job or even change relationship.
Lingering doubts hanging on
Jul 26
Father, today I woke up, feeling tired. So, I decided to skip hata and tot to do meditation. Still no reply from E and the reply from S was curt. I felt like torn between two lovers. Or rather one is husband, the other is lover.
I would like to stay in new company but not at the hours they wants. If they can give me just Pricing and Legal and Client Reporting for a 3 days job, I am fine. But I would then have to drop old company. I cannot do both.
I just emailed to E. Yea, that's true. I want new company but on 3 days term. I also want to do only one company. Then I have my dream of 3 day job and have my desire of mental stimulation, growth and good food.
Then the 2 days I can do my own stuff.
It really doesn't matter what I do as long as I got my off-days, my dream of 3 days job.
Father, today I woke up, feeling tired. So, I decided to skip hata and tot to do meditation. Still no reply from E and the reply from S was curt. I felt like torn between two lovers. Or rather one is husband, the other is lover.
I would like to stay in new company but not at the hours they wants. If they can give me just Pricing and Legal and Client Reporting for a 3 days job, I am fine. But I would then have to drop old company. I cannot do both.
I just emailed to E. Yea, that's true. I want new company but on 3 days term. I also want to do only one company. Then I have my dream of 3 day job and have my desire of mental stimulation, growth and good food.
Then the 2 days I can do my own stuff.
It really doesn't matter what I do as long as I got my off-days, my dream of 3 days job.
Don't let your desires takes over your dream
Jul 25 afternoon
Father, just now when E keep on asking whether SL can head all non-customer fronting jobs, I said can do, with an added support. I didn't think anything of it.
Anyway, I told E that I cannot leave old company as it can give me part time but not new company. While I want to work in new company, my dream is 3 day week, which is what will make me happy. So, I have to let go of new company. We can have lots of desires but we must not lose track of our dream.
Then I thought of my conversation with Z today. It is true, I want a guy with good financials vs bad financials. But my dream is a good guy. So, I cannot let my desires override my dreams.
Father, I now have more clarity. I also feel more loved and not feeling so insecure as before.
Osho - celebration
Nobody lives through logic. Logically u know anger is wrong, but when somebody insults u, then all logic is forgotten, then anger comes up. Each time u have fallen in love, u have gone beyond logic. And whenever love disappears, u again decide 'It was foolish, it was madness. Never again!". But within only a few days u forget all about that frustration, the hell that the other people created. Again, a face starts looking beautiful, looking heavenly, again u r falling in the trap - logic is forgotten.
Who lives according to logic?
Logic never transforms anybody because u r dominated by the unconscious, not by the conscious.
Watch what comes from inside u. Be more watchful about it - it shows deep-rooted habits and u will have to become aware of all those habits. Never fight with any old habit, because fighting will create a split; u will be fighting with urself. Simply understand. Become more watchful.
Father, just now when E keep on asking whether SL can head all non-customer fronting jobs, I said can do, with an added support. I didn't think anything of it.
Anyway, I told E that I cannot leave old company as it can give me part time but not new company. While I want to work in new company, my dream is 3 day week, which is what will make me happy. So, I have to let go of new company. We can have lots of desires but we must not lose track of our dream.
Then I thought of my conversation with Z today. It is true, I want a guy with good financials vs bad financials. But my dream is a good guy. So, I cannot let my desires override my dreams.
Father, I now have more clarity. I also feel more loved and not feeling so insecure as before.
Osho - celebration
Nobody lives through logic. Logically u know anger is wrong, but when somebody insults u, then all logic is forgotten, then anger comes up. Each time u have fallen in love, u have gone beyond logic. And whenever love disappears, u again decide 'It was foolish, it was madness. Never again!". But within only a few days u forget all about that frustration, the hell that the other people created. Again, a face starts looking beautiful, looking heavenly, again u r falling in the trap - logic is forgotten.
Who lives according to logic?
Logic never transforms anybody because u r dominated by the unconscious, not by the conscious.
Watch what comes from inside u. Be more watchful about it - it shows deep-rooted habits and u will have to become aware of all those habits. Never fight with any old habit, because fighting will create a split; u will be fighting with urself. Simply understand. Become more watchful.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Transformation - unlovability no longer applies
Jul 25 Aft
Father, what I know is I need a change. I no longer wants a desk job. I just want to be a Consultant role. I can offer general services.
This morning, I tot I can offer such services to small medium size business.
With old company, I will be based there cos my presence is needed.
Father, Z asked me to find other eligible guy with secure financials. He said I won't be secure with him. I guess he is feeling bad cos he cannot provide for me. Earlier I had job, he is not so worried. But now that I have resigned, he worries. I comforted him and told him I chose diamond. I chose him for his goodness. The old me would have cried because of his rejection and would immediately react by rejection too. The new me didn't see it as a rejection. ... More as a call for comfort...for assurance.
I think he felt that his ex left him because of money. He think I will leave him too. So, I might as well leave him now.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The stronger ur sense of boundaries becomes, the more u feel isolated and scared and the more u feel that u want things, or that others want things from u.
This is the beginning of issues about comparison, jealousy and competition.
Father, what I know is I need a change. I no longer wants a desk job. I just want to be a Consultant role. I can offer general services.
This morning, I tot I can offer such services to small medium size business.
With old company, I will be based there cos my presence is needed.
Father, Z asked me to find other eligible guy with secure financials. He said I won't be secure with him. I guess he is feeling bad cos he cannot provide for me. Earlier I had job, he is not so worried. But now that I have resigned, he worries. I comforted him and told him I chose diamond. I chose him for his goodness. The old me would have cried because of his rejection and would immediately react by rejection too. The new me didn't see it as a rejection. ... More as a call for comfort...for assurance.
I think he felt that his ex left him because of money. He think I will leave him too. So, I might as well leave him now.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The stronger ur sense of boundaries becomes, the more u feel isolated and scared and the more u feel that u want things, or that others want things from u.
This is the beginning of issues about comparison, jealousy and competition.
Taking the plunge with ease
Jul 25
Father, P just text me and I shared with her. She said something ; when u r at the top and u still don't feel good. Then u know it really doesn't work. Yes, I told her that if I didn't join this new company, I be forever thinking about the grass being greener on the other side.
Father, this morning I woke up at 4.05 am to do my practices. Alas, it ends at 6.48 am. I am back. I thanked E for helping me with my Breakthru.
Father, I let go.
Internal influence
New Vision
Now u r presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world.
By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
The old me would see this resignation as dark and difficult. But now I see this as needed. It is only difficult when I don't allow it.
What is needed for resolution?
Understanding
The dawn of a new understanding - that the cage has always been open, and the sky has always been there for us to explore - can make us feel a little shaky at first. Its fine and natural to be shaky, but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience the lightheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.
Move with the sweetness and gentleness of this time. Feel the fluttering within. Spread ur wings and be free.
Father, P just text me and I shared with her. She said something ; when u r at the top and u still don't feel good. Then u know it really doesn't work. Yes, I told her that if I didn't join this new company, I be forever thinking about the grass being greener on the other side.
Father, this morning I woke up at 4.05 am to do my practices. Alas, it ends at 6.48 am. I am back. I thanked E for helping me with my Breakthru.
Father, I let go.
Internal influence
New Vision
Now u r presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world.
By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
The old me would see this resignation as dark and difficult. But now I see this as needed. It is only difficult when I don't allow it.
What is needed for resolution?
Understanding
The dawn of a new understanding - that the cage has always been open, and the sky has always been there for us to explore - can make us feel a little shaky at first. Its fine and natural to be shaky, but don't let it overshadow the opportunity to experience the lightheartedness and adventure on offer, right there alongside the shakiness.
Move with the sweetness and gentleness of this time. Feel the fluttering within. Spread ur wings and be free.
Breakthru with money
Jul 24 Eve
Father, back in 2010, I recalled I wanted to resign and just take a break. Alas, I was offered a 3 days week and in the end comes to 4 days week. I was happy and fine. I turned down many offers for interview.
I was enticed by ego to go to new company, the hype and etc. But it comes with a maniac boss. He is not just workaholic, he is maniac.
Well, I make a turn now and finally resign.
Alas, I have secured a part time job with old company.
7thunder 7 year spread (42 to 48)
Long range - Five of Diamonds (Change of values)
Important transition for u that will leave u in an entirely new place by ur next 7 year period. A fundamental change in what is most important to u will likely to cause major changes in ur job, approach to money and even rship.
U could even move to a new location during this powerful period of transition.
Since our lives are basically structured to provide us with the things we deem most important, when this inner picture of what is most important to us changes, our exterior world has no choice but to follow suit.
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Affirmation
I experience a major change in my values, which affect every important area of my life this period.
Pluto - Jack of Clubs
One of the major challenge is to develop the creativity to be successful in a mental field of interest, perhaps as a writer.
Another aspect is that of being dishonest or less than truthful. For this reason u may find events surfacing this period that relate to either ur own dishonesty or that of others.
On a deeper level, it can represent an initiation into higher knowledge.
In any case, u will have to make a conscious effort to achieve ur goal or to deal with these creative, youthful and often immature energies of the Jack of Clubs.
Affirmation
I transform myself to become more mentally creative and successful this year. I begin a new and better life on an intellectual level.
Results - Five of Diamonds
This will be a period of many changes for u and as a result of dealing with ur Pluto card, u may find that by period's end, u r in a much different place than when the year started.
There may be new relationship, living location and a new career on the horizon.
Behind these changes, u r undergoing a shift in ur basic values.
At times, there may be some challenges as people and situations seem to confront u. But a change is inevitable. A change is coming that it will be a good one that leads u in new directions and provides much and more needed personal freedom.
Soul
I don't know where I am heading. I just know I gained my personal freedom.
Amen.
Just now when I did shoonya, I tot there would be some drama. There were none, just silence. Then I did samyama, I was feeling good, relieved, thankful that I am released that I cried. Then I laughed.
No drama - just silence.
Ruling card
Long Range - King of Spades
This is likely to be a hallmark year for u, one in which u can accomplish most anything u set ur mind to. It is highly recommended that u set high goals for urself this year to take advantage of this once, or at most twice, in a lifetime influence
The King of Spades is considered the most powerful card in the deck as far as material mastery and accomplishment is concerned. All legal and work matters should go ur way, and u can proceed with confidence in any direction u choose. To get the most from this influence, find an area where u can take responsibility an assume the role of leader in some way. The sky is the limit. U can master new or existing situations, given the highest gift of mastery possible.
It should be mentioned here that the power and success indicated in this card will only manifest itself to those who are ready and willing to also assume the responsibilities that is implied here.
Be prepared to take a leadership role and to live by ur own wisdom when this potent card appears. Success is yours for the taking, but u have to stand up and claim it.
Keywords:
I am the master of my destiny and fate. Through application of knowledge and experience, I achieve anything this year.
Soul
When I read this card about 2 months ago. I had a sense of dread as I was in new company. The tot of taking charge is real scary and I don't want.
But now that I m freed of new company, doing part time in old company, I feel glad of this potent card. I can then use this to propel me.
Father, back in 2010, I recalled I wanted to resign and just take a break. Alas, I was offered a 3 days week and in the end comes to 4 days week. I was happy and fine. I turned down many offers for interview.
I was enticed by ego to go to new company, the hype and etc. But it comes with a maniac boss. He is not just workaholic, he is maniac.
Well, I make a turn now and finally resign.
Alas, I have secured a part time job with old company.
7thunder 7 year spread (42 to 48)
Long range - Five of Diamonds (Change of values)
Important transition for u that will leave u in an entirely new place by ur next 7 year period. A fundamental change in what is most important to u will likely to cause major changes in ur job, approach to money and even rship.
U could even move to a new location during this powerful period of transition.
Since our lives are basically structured to provide us with the things we deem most important, when this inner picture of what is most important to us changes, our exterior world has no choice but to follow suit.
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Affirmation
I experience a major change in my values, which affect every important area of my life this period.
Pluto - Jack of Clubs
One of the major challenge is to develop the creativity to be successful in a mental field of interest, perhaps as a writer.
Another aspect is that of being dishonest or less than truthful. For this reason u may find events surfacing this period that relate to either ur own dishonesty or that of others.
On a deeper level, it can represent an initiation into higher knowledge.
In any case, u will have to make a conscious effort to achieve ur goal or to deal with these creative, youthful and often immature energies of the Jack of Clubs.
Affirmation
I transform myself to become more mentally creative and successful this year. I begin a new and better life on an intellectual level.
Results - Five of Diamonds
This will be a period of many changes for u and as a result of dealing with ur Pluto card, u may find that by period's end, u r in a much different place than when the year started.
There may be new relationship, living location and a new career on the horizon.
Behind these changes, u r undergoing a shift in ur basic values.
At times, there may be some challenges as people and situations seem to confront u. But a change is inevitable. A change is coming that it will be a good one that leads u in new directions and provides much and more needed personal freedom.
Soul
I don't know where I am heading. I just know I gained my personal freedom.
Amen.
Just now when I did shoonya, I tot there would be some drama. There were none, just silence. Then I did samyama, I was feeling good, relieved, thankful that I am released that I cried. Then I laughed.
No drama - just silence.
Ruling card
Long Range - King of Spades
This is likely to be a hallmark year for u, one in which u can accomplish most anything u set ur mind to. It is highly recommended that u set high goals for urself this year to take advantage of this once, or at most twice, in a lifetime influence
The King of Spades is considered the most powerful card in the deck as far as material mastery and accomplishment is concerned. All legal and work matters should go ur way, and u can proceed with confidence in any direction u choose. To get the most from this influence, find an area where u can take responsibility an assume the role of leader in some way. The sky is the limit. U can master new or existing situations, given the highest gift of mastery possible.
It should be mentioned here that the power and success indicated in this card will only manifest itself to those who are ready and willing to also assume the responsibilities that is implied here.
Be prepared to take a leadership role and to live by ur own wisdom when this potent card appears. Success is yours for the taking, but u have to stand up and claim it.
Keywords:
I am the master of my destiny and fate. Through application of knowledge and experience, I achieve anything this year.
Soul
When I read this card about 2 months ago. I had a sense of dread as I was in new company. The tot of taking charge is real scary and I don't want.
But now that I m freed of new company, doing part time in old company, I feel glad of this potent card. I can then use this to propel me.
Taking the plunge to break free from new company
Jul 24
Father, Z was just trying to comfort me that he is not my husband so I don't have to worry and feel insecure. Actually, he must have felt bad to have said that cos I know he wish for me to feel secure. But he makes himself down so I can feel happy.
He is for keep lah. No need for me to ponder about him.
As for my job, E is just the trigger. J couldn't be and so I need E to push me out. I can decide to do consciously or breakout.
I just replied to SS with E and AE in the loop. I told them revenue is fine but there is a matter of costs.
Father, E is bulldozing everything. He really reminds me of M, except he can really do the stuff. I am leaving firstly the hours and stress. Secondly, I am concerned about him taking charge of P & L and HR. His bulldozing way creates more uncertainties. I have tried to block him but I cannot do so. I admit defeat.
Father, a tot came. My issue; on one hand I m supposed to be Finance Head but I m not given the authority as Business Head is doing the P & L. Cash flow managed by holding company.
Then I m given payroll and commissions but not in charge of HR. Business Head gives direction on HR and legal disputes.
I am also the Commercial person doing pricing, billing and collection. I am the legal person doing contracts.
In addition, I have the Commercial reporting, which should go under Operation Heads.
I am spread too thin, lack of authority but full of responsibility, even the director role.
I just told SS that I want to resign from new company. I was seeking his approval.
Anyway, I will resign by this week. Better resign consciously then wait for a break up.
As for my car, never mind lah. I am a Queen of Diamond. I deserve some luxury.
Father, thanks to E. I am finally taking the bold step.
1. Issue
Breakthrough
Without going through a breakdown consciously, without facing this danger, nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.
Meditation is the method which will help u go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, disciplined, alert. The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.
All of us occasionally reach a point when "enough is enough". At such times it seems we must do something, anything, even if it later turns out to be a mistake, to throw off the burdens and restrictions that are limiting us. If we don't, they threaten to suffocate and cripple our very life energy itself.
If u r now feeling that "enough is enough", allow urself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept ur energy from flowing. In doing so, u will be amazed at the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to ur life.
Soul
Yes, thank God for meditation. It has keep me sane. It has provided me clarity. I need to resign.
Father, no reply from SS. I know he can't cos by doing so he is making a commitment. Who knows, I even lost that old company's job.
Aiyah, I got 3 months notice. I got money, no worries.
I am a big gal.
I have done it before. Quitting without a job. But back then it was an explosion. And I was angry at A. But now I am not angry at E, it is not personal.
Father, I am all alone in this. But I trust U. When I broke free from A, its true I met M, but he was better than A and then I had to leave and join JC and then I went down but I found Sadhguru....and then I left and met E and now again I have to leave...without a safety net.
My mind is busy scrambling for safety net. But there is a part of me that is fine. I know I am fine. I am all alone but I got money and I am fine.
External influence of which
Trust
Don't waste ur life for that which is going to be taken away. Trust life. If u trust, only then u can drop knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside.
Now is the moment to be a bungee jumper without the cord. And it is this quality of absolute trust, with no reservations or secret safety nets, that the Knight of Water demands from us.
Soul
Yea, its my mind causing me dilemma. My emotion and body tells me I got to quit. The rational mind also points out the concern areas. The only reason holding on is the financial security. That's the dilemma.
Hard time. Suffering time.
A tot came. A good time for reflection and for writing.
Father, Z was just trying to comfort me that he is not my husband so I don't have to worry and feel insecure. Actually, he must have felt bad to have said that cos I know he wish for me to feel secure. But he makes himself down so I can feel happy.
He is for keep lah. No need for me to ponder about him.
As for my job, E is just the trigger. J couldn't be and so I need E to push me out. I can decide to do consciously or breakout.
I just replied to SS with E and AE in the loop. I told them revenue is fine but there is a matter of costs.
Father, E is bulldozing everything. He really reminds me of M, except he can really do the stuff. I am leaving firstly the hours and stress. Secondly, I am concerned about him taking charge of P & L and HR. His bulldozing way creates more uncertainties. I have tried to block him but I cannot do so. I admit defeat.
Father, a tot came. My issue; on one hand I m supposed to be Finance Head but I m not given the authority as Business Head is doing the P & L. Cash flow managed by holding company.
Then I m given payroll and commissions but not in charge of HR. Business Head gives direction on HR and legal disputes.
I am also the Commercial person doing pricing, billing and collection. I am the legal person doing contracts.
In addition, I have the Commercial reporting, which should go under Operation Heads.
I am spread too thin, lack of authority but full of responsibility, even the director role.
I just told SS that I want to resign from new company. I was seeking his approval.
Anyway, I will resign by this week. Better resign consciously then wait for a break up.
As for my car, never mind lah. I am a Queen of Diamond. I deserve some luxury.
Father, thanks to E. I am finally taking the bold step.
1. Issue
Breakthrough
Without going through a breakdown consciously, without facing this danger, nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.
Meditation is the method which will help u go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, disciplined, alert. The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.
All of us occasionally reach a point when "enough is enough". At such times it seems we must do something, anything, even if it later turns out to be a mistake, to throw off the burdens and restrictions that are limiting us. If we don't, they threaten to suffocate and cripple our very life energy itself.
If u r now feeling that "enough is enough", allow urself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept ur energy from flowing. In doing so, u will be amazed at the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to ur life.
Soul
Yes, thank God for meditation. It has keep me sane. It has provided me clarity. I need to resign.
Father, no reply from SS. I know he can't cos by doing so he is making a commitment. Who knows, I even lost that old company's job.
Aiyah, I got 3 months notice. I got money, no worries.
I am a big gal.
I have done it before. Quitting without a job. But back then it was an explosion. And I was angry at A. But now I am not angry at E, it is not personal.
Father, I am all alone in this. But I trust U. When I broke free from A, its true I met M, but he was better than A and then I had to leave and join JC and then I went down but I found Sadhguru....and then I left and met E and now again I have to leave...without a safety net.
My mind is busy scrambling for safety net. But there is a part of me that is fine. I know I am fine. I am all alone but I got money and I am fine.
External influence of which
Trust
Don't waste ur life for that which is going to be taken away. Trust life. If u trust, only then u can drop knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside.
Now is the moment to be a bungee jumper without the cord. And it is this quality of absolute trust, with no reservations or secret safety nets, that the Knight of Water demands from us.
Soul
Yea, its my mind causing me dilemma. My emotion and body tells me I got to quit. The rational mind also points out the concern areas. The only reason holding on is the financial security. That's the dilemma.
Hard time. Suffering time.
A tot came. A good time for reflection and for writing.
My new boss is a major workaholic
Jul 23 Eve
Father, suddenly I have an A Ha moment. E is like M, my ex-boss, a workaholic.
I didn't want to see it but now I do.
It is a choice for me now.
I don't blame him. He is just being himself. Why am I meeting workaholic again? The last time I followed a workaholic and got RA. I followed him for nearly a year.
I really don't want to wait till year end.
Five of Heart / Six of Diamond
This period could be marked by sudden changes in feelings or a sudden move away from loved ones. Travel, separations and changes could bring emotional turmoil and insecurity during this period.
Soul
I have feelings for my career. But I know I don't want to work for a workaholic. I did it once.
Father, I called V and can't get him. Then I called Z and he got me more worried when he shared his financials. He then says I need not worry cos we r not in committed relationship, we r ships that passed by the night and etc. And he is not giving me money monthly, so I need not worry. I got angry and I hang up on him with an abrupt good bye.
Then I cried. I am all alone. I need to face this.
I then msg him: When I m sad, not only u don't give TLC. U just make me sadder :(
I don't know where we ends up. At least he knows how he shows up in rship.
(Aug 20 - This message of mine make him feel helpless. His talk was just to cheer me up, to reduce my fear. Alas it backfires. Now I understand why he initiated for the break up as I make him feel helpless.)
Ruling Card
Ace of Diamonds is ur Environment Card
This will be a year when new beginnings, both in ur work and in other financial enterprises, will bring many blessings and good fortune to u. This would be an ideal influence for starting a new business or even a new personal relationship. Because this is a year of beginnings as far as ur values are concerned, u may find that u r starting over in many important areas in ur life, areas that will ultimately bring u more joy and contentment. Rest assured that any opportunities for new money making enterprises, new jobs or financial deals will be good for u and bring u greater success.
The Ace of Diamonds is ur Displacement Card
This year could be one in which u experienced some amount of financial limitation, whether real or imagined. A desire for more on the material plane could motivate u into new enterprises or directions or it could just prove to be a nagging feeling of not having enough.
New jobs or money-making ventures may take more effort than u expected and u may feel that all u do is work, work, work. A restless urge may overtake u and inspire u to take a trip or even move to a new location.
Soul
To remember the benefits, to overlook the price. Learn from Z.
All in all, u will need to pay more attention to ur work or financial situation and put in a little extra effort to guarantee that everything works right in ur life.
Father, suddenly I have an A Ha moment. E is like M, my ex-boss, a workaholic.
I didn't want to see it but now I do.
It is a choice for me now.
I don't blame him. He is just being himself. Why am I meeting workaholic again? The last time I followed a workaholic and got RA. I followed him for nearly a year.
I really don't want to wait till year end.
Five of Heart / Six of Diamond
This period could be marked by sudden changes in feelings or a sudden move away from loved ones. Travel, separations and changes could bring emotional turmoil and insecurity during this period.
Soul
I have feelings for my career. But I know I don't want to work for a workaholic. I did it once.
Father, I called V and can't get him. Then I called Z and he got me more worried when he shared his financials. He then says I need not worry cos we r not in committed relationship, we r ships that passed by the night and etc. And he is not giving me money monthly, so I need not worry. I got angry and I hang up on him with an abrupt good bye.
Then I cried. I am all alone. I need to face this.
I then msg him: When I m sad, not only u don't give TLC. U just make me sadder :(
I don't know where we ends up. At least he knows how he shows up in rship.
(Aug 20 - This message of mine make him feel helpless. His talk was just to cheer me up, to reduce my fear. Alas it backfires. Now I understand why he initiated for the break up as I make him feel helpless.)
Ruling Card
Ace of Diamonds is ur Environment Card
This will be a year when new beginnings, both in ur work and in other financial enterprises, will bring many blessings and good fortune to u. This would be an ideal influence for starting a new business or even a new personal relationship. Because this is a year of beginnings as far as ur values are concerned, u may find that u r starting over in many important areas in ur life, areas that will ultimately bring u more joy and contentment. Rest assured that any opportunities for new money making enterprises, new jobs or financial deals will be good for u and bring u greater success.
The Ace of Diamonds is ur Displacement Card
This year could be one in which u experienced some amount of financial limitation, whether real or imagined. A desire for more on the material plane could motivate u into new enterprises or directions or it could just prove to be a nagging feeling of not having enough.
New jobs or money-making ventures may take more effort than u expected and u may feel that all u do is work, work, work. A restless urge may overtake u and inspire u to take a trip or even move to a new location.
Soul
To remember the benefits, to overlook the price. Learn from Z.
All in all, u will need to pay more attention to ur work or financial situation and put in a little extra effort to guarantee that everything works right in ur life.
The new role is not right for me
Jul 23 Aft
Father, I am bit off cos this month has payroll under me.
Father, I don't think I can wait till year end. I am glad of the session today with E. It goes to prove that I definitely cannot have part time. He expect everyone to work like him. With J, she understand cos she too balance life with work.
I am worried old company cannot take me back. Actually the fear is on money. I am worried if I let go of new company, old company cannot have me back as I am already out of their payroll. And now with 3k car loan instalment.
Father, this job not only takes lots of my time but also it requires detailed attention to everything. It is not so case of managing resources. It is also doing everything urself. And we have a Ten of Diamond who drives everything.
From Feb till now I am stressed out. This month will be on payroll. Every month got some issues. And the accrued revenue recon still headache. I think main issue is with E. Over here I know what to do, but I guess it is a loss of control. I am used to a managerial role with authority.
I am not keen on what I am doing. It is like going backward. They pay me high salary but do lots of manual tasks. E is fine but not me.
I also know that once I settled things, he will again bring up new things. He needed to work.
I will chat with V first.
Also, the finale will be after Sathsang with Sadhguru. By end August convey - they start searching for replacement.
1. Issue
Breakthrough
It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is the greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become a breakthrough.
Meditation will help u go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, disciplined, alert. The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn come closer, the night will become darker.
If u r now feeling that "enough is enough", allow urself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept ur energy from flowing. In doing so, u will be amazed at the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to ur life.
Soul
I am having enough of new company.
I have not break yet but I don't want to wait till then. I want to do the break consciously.
2. Internal influence
New Vision
Now u r presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
Father, I have no regrets joining E. It has made me realise money and corporate fame is not that important to me. It has made me aware of my Top 5.
E persistence in all areas just served to further confirm my decision. He is more control freak than me. His livelihood depends on this. Father, I don't judge nor blame him for helping me to make this decision.
I used to hate A for making me leave. Then I had some anger on J. But now with E, there is not judgment. I just admit defeat, I cannot handle him and the work load he created.
(Aug 20 - Sadhguru said we pursue what we know of. If you know money, you pursue money; if you know work, you pursue more work)
3. External influence of which u r aware
Trust
Now is the moment to be a bungee jumper without the cord! And it is this quality of absolute trust, with no reservations or secret safety nets, that the Knight of Water demands from us.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Understanding
In the inner sky, in the inner world, freedom is the highest value - everything else is secondary, even blissfulness, ecstasy.
U r out of jail, out of the cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is urs.
5. Resolution
Receptivity
When u listen, u become just a passage, a passivity, a receptivity, a womb; u become feminine. God can only reach u when u r receptive, a feminine receptivity. When u become yin, a receptivity, the door is open - and u wait.
Listening is the art for becoming passive.
The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty or thought of merit or reward are important.
Father, I am bit off cos this month has payroll under me.
Father, I don't think I can wait till year end. I am glad of the session today with E. It goes to prove that I definitely cannot have part time. He expect everyone to work like him. With J, she understand cos she too balance life with work.
I am worried old company cannot take me back. Actually the fear is on money. I am worried if I let go of new company, old company cannot have me back as I am already out of their payroll. And now with 3k car loan instalment.
Father, this job not only takes lots of my time but also it requires detailed attention to everything. It is not so case of managing resources. It is also doing everything urself. And we have a Ten of Diamond who drives everything.
From Feb till now I am stressed out. This month will be on payroll. Every month got some issues. And the accrued revenue recon still headache. I think main issue is with E. Over here I know what to do, but I guess it is a loss of control. I am used to a managerial role with authority.
I am not keen on what I am doing. It is like going backward. They pay me high salary but do lots of manual tasks. E is fine but not me.
I also know that once I settled things, he will again bring up new things. He needed to work.
I will chat with V first.
Also, the finale will be after Sathsang with Sadhguru. By end August convey - they start searching for replacement.
1. Issue
Breakthrough
It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is the greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become a breakthrough.
Meditation will help u go through the chaos, through the dark night of the soul, balanced, disciplined, alert. The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn come closer, the night will become darker.
If u r now feeling that "enough is enough", allow urself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept ur energy from flowing. In doing so, u will be amazed at the vitality and empowerment this Breakthrough can bring to ur life.
Soul
I am having enough of new company.
I have not break yet but I don't want to wait till then. I want to do the break consciously.
2. Internal influence
New Vision
Now u r presented with an opportunity to see life in all its dimensions, from the depths to the heights. They exist together, and when we come to know from experience that the dark and the difficult are needed as much as the light and easy, then we begin to have a very different perspective on the world. By allowing all of life's colours to penetrate us, we become more integrated.
Soul
Father, I have no regrets joining E. It has made me realise money and corporate fame is not that important to me. It has made me aware of my Top 5.
E persistence in all areas just served to further confirm my decision. He is more control freak than me. His livelihood depends on this. Father, I don't judge nor blame him for helping me to make this decision.
I used to hate A for making me leave. Then I had some anger on J. But now with E, there is not judgment. I just admit defeat, I cannot handle him and the work load he created.
(Aug 20 - Sadhguru said we pursue what we know of. If you know money, you pursue money; if you know work, you pursue more work)
3. External influence of which u r aware
Trust
Now is the moment to be a bungee jumper without the cord! And it is this quality of absolute trust, with no reservations or secret safety nets, that the Knight of Water demands from us.
4. What is needed for resolution?
Understanding
In the inner sky, in the inner world, freedom is the highest value - everything else is secondary, even blissfulness, ecstasy.
U r out of jail, out of the cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is urs.
5. Resolution
Receptivity
When u listen, u become just a passage, a passivity, a receptivity, a womb; u become feminine. God can only reach u when u r receptive, a feminine receptivity. When u become yin, a receptivity, the door is open - and u wait.
Listening is the art for becoming passive.
The Queen of Water brings a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands. Neither duty or thought of merit or reward are important.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Thinking of jumping now instead of 5 months later
Jul 23
Father, I slept early before 10 pm and I slept about 3 hours nap in afternoon. All in all, well rested.
I did suria, the first cycle was not fluid but subsequent was fine. Overall quite effortless. My joints - right elbow and left sole is in bit of pain. I had the traditional medicine today. The RA level must be high. Father, no matter how I cannot ignore the fact that I have RA and I got to retire early.
Diamond Heart - book 3
U will have to give up all the ways u support ur self-realisation with anything u have learned in the past, so that nothing from the past is needed for support. The past can only support self-image. Ur self-realisation will deepen, go to different levels and become more permanent.
The final support that has to go is ur mind. Even after u let go of ur particular teaching or whatever u learned from other sources, u still have ur own insights and ur own experiences. They define ur way of looking at things and of understanding this. These are the final supports that have to go.
Then u can be who u r, self-realised without even having to know it. Self realisation does not become complete and permanent until it doesn't need any external support, not even the support of ur tots. U don't even need to recognise it or even feel it. U r the presence without recognising the presence. Letting go of the teaching and letting go of ur mind are the deepest, subtlest level.
The real way to find ur own support is to live in a way that will support what u know. If u do that, then it is possible for u to regain ur own support. When u can see and understand the truth of the situations in ur life, the truth will be ur support. Finding ur true support means true nature has become ur refuge.
Soul
To me, life would be just doing a part time job to finance myself and family and time to do my practices and do my insights and writings.
Diamond Heart - book 3
For true self realisation, u have to jump. U have to take the risk of jumping when there is no support, when u have no idea of what's going to happen. It feels like jumping into an abyss. U don't know whether u r going to come out of it or not, whether u be better or worse. U have no idea. That is why a deep faith in reality, a basic trust in truth, can be helpful.
Soul
The first jump I did is with Z. The second jump is leaving Isha volunteering. And now I will do the third jump with my career, ending it.
Aug 5
I didn't know the fourth jump was taken by Z for us. He broke it off with me, feeling inferior that he cannot give me the financial security that I need, that he cannot afford me.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
When the support is integrated, u become independent. U do not need the external supports. The lack of mirroring from outside, not being seen correctly and appreciated by others no longer affects u. The most that can happen when u r not seen is that ur inner essential support will arise at such times. Ur self-realisation becomes a permanent attainment, a station.
U r truly ur beingness, regardless of the absence or presence of external feedback. U have support in ur alone space, in the aloneness of ur mind.
Soul
Jumping out of my career, without any support from Z is not that terrifying. As I will still have part time job from old company.
On my new car, not that worried as I can still finance it.
Father, I wonder if I should wait till year end. Why prolong it? What do I hope to gain? I m prolonging cos I hope I still can have a change of mind. I hope new company can still offer me part time. I m prolonging cos I don't know if old company will lasts. But SS already assured me.
Seven of Diamonds
This of the spiritual money cards. When it appears, we are always confronted with how attached we are to our money and given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
Whether it is about money or plans to make money, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Father, I slept early before 10 pm and I slept about 3 hours nap in afternoon. All in all, well rested.
I did suria, the first cycle was not fluid but subsequent was fine. Overall quite effortless. My joints - right elbow and left sole is in bit of pain. I had the traditional medicine today. The RA level must be high. Father, no matter how I cannot ignore the fact that I have RA and I got to retire early.
Diamond Heart - book 3
U will have to give up all the ways u support ur self-realisation with anything u have learned in the past, so that nothing from the past is needed for support. The past can only support self-image. Ur self-realisation will deepen, go to different levels and become more permanent.
The final support that has to go is ur mind. Even after u let go of ur particular teaching or whatever u learned from other sources, u still have ur own insights and ur own experiences. They define ur way of looking at things and of understanding this. These are the final supports that have to go.
Then u can be who u r, self-realised without even having to know it. Self realisation does not become complete and permanent until it doesn't need any external support, not even the support of ur tots. U don't even need to recognise it or even feel it. U r the presence without recognising the presence. Letting go of the teaching and letting go of ur mind are the deepest, subtlest level.
The real way to find ur own support is to live in a way that will support what u know. If u do that, then it is possible for u to regain ur own support. When u can see and understand the truth of the situations in ur life, the truth will be ur support. Finding ur true support means true nature has become ur refuge.
Soul
To me, life would be just doing a part time job to finance myself and family and time to do my practices and do my insights and writings.
Diamond Heart - book 3
For true self realisation, u have to jump. U have to take the risk of jumping when there is no support, when u have no idea of what's going to happen. It feels like jumping into an abyss. U don't know whether u r going to come out of it or not, whether u be better or worse. U have no idea. That is why a deep faith in reality, a basic trust in truth, can be helpful.
Soul
The first jump I did is with Z. The second jump is leaving Isha volunteering. And now I will do the third jump with my career, ending it.
Aug 5
I didn't know the fourth jump was taken by Z for us. He broke it off with me, feeling inferior that he cannot give me the financial security that I need, that he cannot afford me.
Diamond Heart - Book 3
When the support is integrated, u become independent. U do not need the external supports. The lack of mirroring from outside, not being seen correctly and appreciated by others no longer affects u. The most that can happen when u r not seen is that ur inner essential support will arise at such times. Ur self-realisation becomes a permanent attainment, a station.
U r truly ur beingness, regardless of the absence or presence of external feedback. U have support in ur alone space, in the aloneness of ur mind.
Soul
Jumping out of my career, without any support from Z is not that terrifying. As I will still have part time job from old company.
On my new car, not that worried as I can still finance it.
Father, I wonder if I should wait till year end. Why prolong it? What do I hope to gain? I m prolonging cos I hope I still can have a change of mind. I hope new company can still offer me part time. I m prolonging cos I don't know if old company will lasts. But SS already assured me.
Seven of Diamonds
This of the spiritual money cards. When it appears, we are always confronted with how attached we are to our money and given an opportunity to experience the real prosperity that comes with an attitude of gratitude.
Whether it is about money or plans to make money, situations will present themselves that test our faith in the abundance of the universe. By realising and then releasing our fears, we can transform our attachment into total fearlessness and personal freedom.
Trust - Just flow with life
Jul 22 Aft
Father, a tot occurred to me. I don't want to be sad. My life path is avoiding sadness and so sadness continues.
I am now going to focus on my happiness instead.
I am no longer as afraid of sadness as I knew it is part of growth, part of price to pay in growing up.
I only suffer if I resist. So, learn to trust and go with the flow.
Jul 22 Eve
Father, just called Z. Yea, he sounded in the car. There seems to be other people with him. This time he can still tease me on GPS. Anyone listening would know he is talking to his gal. He opened up a bit.
Osho - celebration
Taoist attitude
If u move, flow with life without any resistance, without any effort, without any direction of ur own;
The leaf has no desire and has not direction of its own. It has no ego.
Not pushing, not pulling, then u r dissolved. Then how can anything harm u?
Taoist attitude is to go with life, to go all the way, to go without any conditions. Wherever it leads, go with it. Trust life so tremendously that u don't fear, that u don't have any fear of life. U come from life, u r part of life, so how is there any possibility that life will harm u. There is no need to be afraid, to have fear.
Soul
I am learning. The first I did was my rship with Z. I am trusting him.
Osho
U create ur reality by believing in it. The reality is as u believe it. Ur belief becomes ur reality. If ur belief changes, ur reality changes. We create our own world.
Father, a tot occurred to me. I don't want to be sad. My life path is avoiding sadness and so sadness continues.
I am now going to focus on my happiness instead.
I am no longer as afraid of sadness as I knew it is part of growth, part of price to pay in growing up.
I only suffer if I resist. So, learn to trust and go with the flow.
Jul 22 Eve
Father, just called Z. Yea, he sounded in the car. There seems to be other people with him. This time he can still tease me on GPS. Anyone listening would know he is talking to his gal. He opened up a bit.
Osho - celebration
Taoist attitude
If u move, flow with life without any resistance, without any effort, without any direction of ur own;
The leaf has no desire and has not direction of its own. It has no ego.
Not pushing, not pulling, then u r dissolved. Then how can anything harm u?
Taoist attitude is to go with life, to go all the way, to go without any conditions. Wherever it leads, go with it. Trust life so tremendously that u don't fear, that u don't have any fear of life. U come from life, u r part of life, so how is there any possibility that life will harm u. There is no need to be afraid, to have fear.
Soul
I am learning. The first I did was my rship with Z. I am trusting him.
Osho
U create ur reality by believing in it. The reality is as u believe it. Ur belief becomes ur reality. If ur belief changes, ur reality changes. We create our own world.
7 years period ( age 42 to 48) Five of Diamonds
Jul 22
Today I was bit tired but I did my 3 rounds of walk in the park, just watching my breathe. Not much tots. One thing that keep attracting my eyes was the stagnancy of certain part of the lake and the green beauty of the small branches and grass.
Suddenly saw this 7 years spread when I update my blog.
7thunder 7 year spread (42 to 48)
Long range - Five of Diamonds (Change of values)
Important transition for u that will leave u in an entirely new place by ur next 7 year period. A fundamental change in what is most important to u will likely to cause major changes in ur job, approach to money and even rship.
U could even move to a new location during this powerful period of transition.
Since our lives are basically structured to provide us with the things we deem most important, when this inner picture of what is most important to us changes, our exterior world has no choice but to follow suit.
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Affirmation
I experience a major change in my values, which affect every important area of my life this period.
Pluto - Jack of Clubs
One of the major challenge is to develop the creativity to be successful in a mental field of interest, perhaps as a writer.
Another aspect is that of being dishonest or less than truthful. For this reason u may find events surfacing this period that relate to either ur own dishonesty or that of others.
On a deeper level, it can represent an initiation into higher knowledge.
In any case, u will have to make a conscious effort to achieve ur goal or to deal with these creative, youthful and often immature energies of the Jack of Clubs.
Affirmation
I transform myself to become more mentally creative and successful this year. I begin a new and better life on an intellectual level.
Results - Five of Diamonds
This will be a period of many changes for u and as a result of dealing with ur Pluto card, u may find that by period's end, u r in a much different place than when the year started.
There may be new relationship, living location and a new career on the horizon.
Behind these changes, u r undergoing a shift in ur basic values.
At times, there may be some challenges as people and situations seem to confront u. But a change is inevitable. A change is coming that it will be a good one that leads u in new directions and provides much and more needed personal freedom
Soul
I will just go with the flow. I don't know what is coming. What I can do is clear away the debris, what I don't want.
Today I was bit tired but I did my 3 rounds of walk in the park, just watching my breathe. Not much tots. One thing that keep attracting my eyes was the stagnancy of certain part of the lake and the green beauty of the small branches and grass.
Suddenly saw this 7 years spread when I update my blog.
7thunder 7 year spread (42 to 48)
Long range - Five of Diamonds (Change of values)
Important transition for u that will leave u in an entirely new place by ur next 7 year period. A fundamental change in what is most important to u will likely to cause major changes in ur job, approach to money and even rship.
U could even move to a new location during this powerful period of transition.
Since our lives are basically structured to provide us with the things we deem most important, when this inner picture of what is most important to us changes, our exterior world has no choice but to follow suit.
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.
When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.
Affirmation
I experience a major change in my values, which affect every important area of my life this period.
Pluto - Jack of Clubs
One of the major challenge is to develop the creativity to be successful in a mental field of interest, perhaps as a writer.
Another aspect is that of being dishonest or less than truthful. For this reason u may find events surfacing this period that relate to either ur own dishonesty or that of others.
On a deeper level, it can represent an initiation into higher knowledge.
In any case, u will have to make a conscious effort to achieve ur goal or to deal with these creative, youthful and often immature energies of the Jack of Clubs.
Affirmation
I transform myself to become more mentally creative and successful this year. I begin a new and better life on an intellectual level.
Results - Five of Diamonds
This will be a period of many changes for u and as a result of dealing with ur Pluto card, u may find that by period's end, u r in a much different place than when the year started.
There may be new relationship, living location and a new career on the horizon.
Behind these changes, u r undergoing a shift in ur basic values.
At times, there may be some challenges as people and situations seem to confront u. But a change is inevitable. A change is coming that it will be a good one that leads u in new directions and provides much and more needed personal freedom
Soul
I will just go with the flow. I don't know what is coming. What I can do is clear away the debris, what I don't want.
Decided to go on 3 days week for next year
Jul 21
Father, suddenly I have an urge for banana dessert. I bought a toffee banana cake and went to P's house for coffee. We just chat casually. There is no longer any drama.
Not sure why the sudden urge but I just want to savour dessert. Perhaps its due to the fact I cannot be with Z.
I told P of my plan for semi-retirement next year. I said I prefer new company but it cannot give me part time, whereas old company can do that. Since my main priority is part time, I have to choose old company.
P asked if I be fine if new company can give me 4 days week. I brushed it off by saying E won't let me. But I don't mind 4 days week for next year. Even now my plan is 4 days week.
P said I look smaller, doesn't look so bloated. I told her I have stopped my contraceptive pills. I too noticed I looked smaller. I been having the contraceptive for nearly 1.5 years.
Anyway, confirmed I will stop and we go on withdrawal method. Besides my Arava pills is already with contraceptive pill effects and now with my age at 45, it be a miracle if I got pregnant.
When I spoke to P on the contraceptive, her first reaction was to ask the guy to take responsibility. I recalled I too had such resistance. But then it ended. Now I don't take not because of resistance but becos I don't really like what it does to my body and the price to pay is not worth is as Z and I does it only infrequently.
Father, suddenly I have an urge for banana dessert. I bought a toffee banana cake and went to P's house for coffee. We just chat casually. There is no longer any drama.
Not sure why the sudden urge but I just want to savour dessert. Perhaps its due to the fact I cannot be with Z.
I told P of my plan for semi-retirement next year. I said I prefer new company but it cannot give me part time, whereas old company can do that. Since my main priority is part time, I have to choose old company.
P asked if I be fine if new company can give me 4 days week. I brushed it off by saying E won't let me. But I don't mind 4 days week for next year. Even now my plan is 4 days week.
P said I look smaller, doesn't look so bloated. I told her I have stopped my contraceptive pills. I too noticed I looked smaller. I been having the contraceptive for nearly 1.5 years.
Anyway, confirmed I will stop and we go on withdrawal method. Besides my Arava pills is already with contraceptive pill effects and now with my age at 45, it be a miracle if I got pregnant.
When I spoke to P on the contraceptive, her first reaction was to ask the guy to take responsibility. I recalled I too had such resistance. But then it ended. Now I don't take not because of resistance but becos I don't really like what it does to my body and the price to pay is not worth is as Z and I does it only infrequently.
Tao - only does what is necessary ...dropping away activities that leaked his energy
Jul 20 Eve
A great meet up. Fl has changed somewhat. She is calmer now. S has changed into girly innocence. Both of them on ACIM. I told them I was on it from 2002 to 2007 and I did 3 years of lesson. I also recalled I did the text for several years.
I was in Isha from 2008.
S said I looked calm and happy. Just happy at life.
Osho - celebration
A man can become a good master. A woman can become a good disciple because to become a disciple means to become a receiver, to be receptive, to become a womb. To become a master means to become a giver.
When a woman arrives, she becomes a mistress, not a master. The fulfillment of a woman is love. The flowering of a woman is love.
Whenever a woman receives the truth, she becomes luminous; her whole body, her whole being shows it; she carries an aura.
Soul
Not sure but I find myself more willing with Z. I become more vulnerable with him. I become more willing to make him come. When I m with him, I become more loving.
Like these 2 days, I was focus on pleasuring him and he felt it too.
Osho - celebration
A real man, an authentic man, has all the climates in his being - only with one awareness: that whatsoever he is doing he should do totally and should do with full awareness - enough, that's enough, and u have a beautiful person.
To be lazy and aware ... And u have become a Taoist. It does not mean that u become inactive. It simply means that the obsessive activity disappears. It simply means that u have become capable of not-doing too.
The obsessive, the unnecessary, the feverish, has been dropped. He does only that which is absolutely necessary.
U r neither active, nor inactive; u r centered. Whatsoever is needed u do it, whatsoever is not needed, u don't do it. U r neither a doer nor a non-doer. Doing is no more ur focus. U r consciousness.
A Taoist is lazy from the outside; from the inside he has become a river-like phenomenon, he is continuously flowing towards the ocean. He has dropped many activities because they were unnecessarily leaking his energy.
Soul
Mmm, I wonder whether I am that.
The reason I don't want to work full time is because it takes me away from ME.
I want to enjoy being ME. I want to savour MySelf.
A great meet up. Fl has changed somewhat. She is calmer now. S has changed into girly innocence. Both of them on ACIM. I told them I was on it from 2002 to 2007 and I did 3 years of lesson. I also recalled I did the text for several years.
I was in Isha from 2008.
S said I looked calm and happy. Just happy at life.
Osho - celebration
A man can become a good master. A woman can become a good disciple because to become a disciple means to become a receiver, to be receptive, to become a womb. To become a master means to become a giver.
When a woman arrives, she becomes a mistress, not a master. The fulfillment of a woman is love. The flowering of a woman is love.
Whenever a woman receives the truth, she becomes luminous; her whole body, her whole being shows it; she carries an aura.
Soul
Not sure but I find myself more willing with Z. I become more vulnerable with him. I become more willing to make him come. When I m with him, I become more loving.
Like these 2 days, I was focus on pleasuring him and he felt it too.
Osho - celebration
A real man, an authentic man, has all the climates in his being - only with one awareness: that whatsoever he is doing he should do totally and should do with full awareness - enough, that's enough, and u have a beautiful person.
To be lazy and aware ... And u have become a Taoist. It does not mean that u become inactive. It simply means that the obsessive activity disappears. It simply means that u have become capable of not-doing too.
The obsessive, the unnecessary, the feverish, has been dropped. He does only that which is absolutely necessary.
U r neither active, nor inactive; u r centered. Whatsoever is needed u do it, whatsoever is not needed, u don't do it. U r neither a doer nor a non-doer. Doing is no more ur focus. U r consciousness.
A Taoist is lazy from the outside; from the inside he has become a river-like phenomenon, he is continuously flowing towards the ocean. He has dropped many activities because they were unnecessarily leaking his energy.
Soul
Mmm, I wonder whether I am that.
The reason I don't want to work full time is because it takes me away from ME.
I want to enjoy being ME. I want to savour MySelf.
Z showing his jealousy of E
Jul 20
Father, Z and I have a good time. At first we were relaxed and he asked why am I not aroused as before. I don't know.
We both knock out after our session and slept with the lights on.
Then at 2 plus am, I woke him up for another one. And we had another round at 7 plus am. Then he wanted another one at 10 plus am and I stopped him. Then followed by individual session. So, all in all, we had the most sessions.
One thing he let out was that he is happy that I can't read him and he doesn't allow me to read him.
He again asked me what I like about him and I shared. But when I asked about me, he avoid the question. He did leak out and asked why I don't choose E vs him. He said E has money and treat me better. Then he let out that its true he doesn't have money but he is sincere and honest, he is a good guy.
Father, yea, he is mine. He is afraid of losing me.
Father, Z and I have a good time. At first we were relaxed and he asked why am I not aroused as before. I don't know.
We both knock out after our session and slept with the lights on.
Then at 2 plus am, I woke him up for another one. And we had another round at 7 plus am. Then he wanted another one at 10 plus am and I stopped him. Then followed by individual session. So, all in all, we had the most sessions.
One thing he let out was that he is happy that I can't read him and he doesn't allow me to read him.
He again asked me what I like about him and I shared. But when I asked about me, he avoid the question. He did leak out and asked why I don't choose E vs him. He said E has money and treat me better. Then he let out that its true he doesn't have money but he is sincere and honest, he is a good guy.
Father, yea, he is mine. He is afraid of losing me.
Losing all my external support...Isha, career and Z
Jul 19 Aft
Father, WY is feeling unhappy. So stressed out. She was crying for a long while. I know its not the work but it is her not knowing how to manage her resources.
I talked to the FM and she too shared her issue.
Anyway, I had a team meeting and we sorted it out.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Support will come only when u experience the state of no support, which is not an easy state to experience.
U feel there is no ground to stand on, no wall to lean against. U look around and there is nothing to hold on. U wonder how u can help urself and u feel u can't.
It leaves u feeling deficient, helpless, unable, not knowing, worthless and weird. It is a state of loss of all support, all capacity. It is only by learning to stay in that state and tolerating it that true support will arise.
Soul
I have been there.
For now, I just know I need to hold on and year end decide. But decision is made as I am opting for old company. New company fills my ego but makes me unhappy. Old company doesn't fill ego but makes me happy as I got time off to do the things I want to do.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Sometimes it takes a long time to encounter ur lack of support, but it always happens at some point. When u really let urself experience the hole, the deficiency, the emptiness, without trying to get support or to be seen or to be mirrored, u will see urself and this is the way u will get support. Support usually occurs through mirroring. Anyone can support u by mirroring u. Mirroring involves someone showing u what u r by seeing and appreciating u.
True support is not mirroring, and arises only when u confront ur lack of support, the absence of it, which is there already like a huge abyss. A huge, humungous abyss, a humungous hole into which u go and become a nothingness.
If u allow urself to feel it, then true support will arise in u. When true support comes, u feel as if u r sitting on a mountain top. The whole mountain becomes like a fountain of support for ur reality. From within, u feel an immensity, a tremendous immensity, a tremendous presence, a tremendous existence that is almost as hard as a rock and it supports whatever reality u have realised.
At the beginning, ur teacher embodies that support, that immensity, that mountain and u feel support. That is why u r able to have experiences of self-realisation when u r with ur teacher or with any realised teacher.
However when u leave, u find it difficult to sustain because u have no support for it. Support is there but it is not urs yet. To make it urs, u must internalise it, not just use ur teacher for support. This happens by working through the issues that block support in u. These issues are usually nothing but experiences of loss of support in the past and ways of projecting it and trying to get it externally.
U do not need external support. One of the supports that might fall away in the beginning might be ur career. Ur career might support ur sense of identity and ur sense of value, so at some point u have to become free from it. Or ur support might come from love relationships or friendships or groups and at some point u become free.
At some point u realise that u r using the teaching u r following for support and u will have to drop that as support. This will bring an even bigger aloneness. And the aloneness will continues.
Soul
That's exactly what's happening to me. I was bit worried but I told myself holding on makes me feel restrictive and releasing makes me happy. So I follow happiness.
Aug 5
I didn't expect it but Z broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Firstly, I lost my support with Isha and then then I lost my support in career. And unexpectedly I also lost my support in my love relationship.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The more it is integrated and the more inner support is realised, the more ur experience of self-realisation will become independent and permanent.
At some point u will have to become independent of the school and of the teacher. This does not mean to be physically separated. U can be in the school and still be independent and alone.
Soul
Exactly, I feel alone in Isha. I don't fit in. Also, I don't prescribed to their system.
And Sadhguru come when I am finally seeking independence from Isha.
Father, WY is feeling unhappy. So stressed out. She was crying for a long while. I know its not the work but it is her not knowing how to manage her resources.
I talked to the FM and she too shared her issue.
Anyway, I had a team meeting and we sorted it out.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Support will come only when u experience the state of no support, which is not an easy state to experience.
U feel there is no ground to stand on, no wall to lean against. U look around and there is nothing to hold on. U wonder how u can help urself and u feel u can't.
It leaves u feeling deficient, helpless, unable, not knowing, worthless and weird. It is a state of loss of all support, all capacity. It is only by learning to stay in that state and tolerating it that true support will arise.
Soul
I have been there.
For now, I just know I need to hold on and year end decide. But decision is made as I am opting for old company. New company fills my ego but makes me unhappy. Old company doesn't fill ego but makes me happy as I got time off to do the things I want to do.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Sometimes it takes a long time to encounter ur lack of support, but it always happens at some point. When u really let urself experience the hole, the deficiency, the emptiness, without trying to get support or to be seen or to be mirrored, u will see urself and this is the way u will get support. Support usually occurs through mirroring. Anyone can support u by mirroring u. Mirroring involves someone showing u what u r by seeing and appreciating u.
True support is not mirroring, and arises only when u confront ur lack of support, the absence of it, which is there already like a huge abyss. A huge, humungous abyss, a humungous hole into which u go and become a nothingness.
If u allow urself to feel it, then true support will arise in u. When true support comes, u feel as if u r sitting on a mountain top. The whole mountain becomes like a fountain of support for ur reality. From within, u feel an immensity, a tremendous immensity, a tremendous presence, a tremendous existence that is almost as hard as a rock and it supports whatever reality u have realised.
At the beginning, ur teacher embodies that support, that immensity, that mountain and u feel support. That is why u r able to have experiences of self-realisation when u r with ur teacher or with any realised teacher.
However when u leave, u find it difficult to sustain because u have no support for it. Support is there but it is not urs yet. To make it urs, u must internalise it, not just use ur teacher for support. This happens by working through the issues that block support in u. These issues are usually nothing but experiences of loss of support in the past and ways of projecting it and trying to get it externally.
U do not need external support. One of the supports that might fall away in the beginning might be ur career. Ur career might support ur sense of identity and ur sense of value, so at some point u have to become free from it. Or ur support might come from love relationships or friendships or groups and at some point u become free.
At some point u realise that u r using the teaching u r following for support and u will have to drop that as support. This will bring an even bigger aloneness. And the aloneness will continues.
Soul
That's exactly what's happening to me. I was bit worried but I told myself holding on makes me feel restrictive and releasing makes me happy. So I follow happiness.
Aug 5
I didn't expect it but Z broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Firstly, I lost my support with Isha and then then I lost my support in career. And unexpectedly I also lost my support in my love relationship.
Diamond Heart - book 3
The more it is integrated and the more inner support is realised, the more ur experience of self-realisation will become independent and permanent.
At some point u will have to become independent of the school and of the teacher. This does not mean to be physically separated. U can be in the school and still be independent and alone.
Soul
Exactly, I feel alone in Isha. I don't fit in. Also, I don't prescribed to their system.
And Sadhguru come when I am finally seeking independence from Isha.
Knowing I don't want to work 5 days week
Jul 19
This morning I woke up at 4 am, but body not so good. So, I just slept back and put alarm at 5.20 am.
Father, this week I only did 2 times. Never mind. Yesterday they call me for volunteering and this time they are cautious cos they know I don't enjoy volunteering. For sathsang, I said no but I am willing to be usherer.
Father, I am not sure where I am heading. But I know I don't want 5 days week.
Diamond Heart - book 3
In the dimension of Essence, there are experiences of self-realisation in which meaning is based on the presence of the realised state in the present moment, rather than being based on the future. This eliminates the dependency on the future. Goals and aims become less and less important. In other words, the aim become the present moment.
For the ego, those goals or aims give the person a sense of meaning or significance only if their environment and their relationships support them, and let them feel that their goals are important. If u have a goal and everyone around u thinks that it's not important, then that goal won't give u meaning. People usually choose goals and aims that are idealised by society.
So, at some point, it is useful and necessary to have only ur own inner support which is not dependent on external sources. This means u have to have support for aloneness.
Aug 5
Perhaps thats what I am feeling. Most people cannot understand why I drop my high flying career at age of 45. They don't understand why I want to semi retire. I want to semi retire because I want to be happy.
On Z, perhaps thats what I am feeling. He is not here with me. I am facing this new journey alone.
This morning I woke up at 4 am, but body not so good. So, I just slept back and put alarm at 5.20 am.
Father, this week I only did 2 times. Never mind. Yesterday they call me for volunteering and this time they are cautious cos they know I don't enjoy volunteering. For sathsang, I said no but I am willing to be usherer.
Father, I am not sure where I am heading. But I know I don't want 5 days week.
Diamond Heart - book 3
In the dimension of Essence, there are experiences of self-realisation in which meaning is based on the presence of the realised state in the present moment, rather than being based on the future. This eliminates the dependency on the future. Goals and aims become less and less important. In other words, the aim become the present moment.
For the ego, those goals or aims give the person a sense of meaning or significance only if their environment and their relationships support them, and let them feel that their goals are important. If u have a goal and everyone around u thinks that it's not important, then that goal won't give u meaning. People usually choose goals and aims that are idealised by society.
So, at some point, it is useful and necessary to have only ur own inner support which is not dependent on external sources. This means u have to have support for aloneness.
Aug 5
Perhaps thats what I am feeling. Most people cannot understand why I drop my high flying career at age of 45. They don't understand why I want to semi retire. I want to semi retire because I want to be happy.
On Z, perhaps thats what I am feeling. He is not here with me. I am facing this new journey alone.
Knowing I want to have only 3 days week
Jul 18
Father, I was up till midnight yesterday. I reach home after 11 pm from the fund raising.
Actually, I am lovable. I am comfortable with myself and that makes everyone becomes comfortable too.
Both DP and Dato also easy with me.
Today I just asked E for time-off. I want him to know I want time-off as it makes me happy. For me now, life is not meant for working. I just want to be. I work 4 days week.
Z knows that I enjoy most just doing my practices. He knows I love Sathsang the most.
Jul 18 Aft (voluntary late lunch)
It is now 2 pm. I am voluntarily having late lunch. I have changed. Today I assert to SL that she is my successor and my plan is for 3 days week. I told her I am not happy when I have to work 5 days week. My life is not about work.
Father, I m definitely going back for Shoonya refresher. I think I have not properly learn the techniques.
Awareness
The veil of illusion or maya that has been keeping u from perceiving reality as it is, is starting to burn away. The fire is not the heated fire of passion but the cool flame of awareness. As it burns the veil, the face of a very delicate and childlike buddha becomes visible.
Any sense u might have had that u have been groping in the dark is dissolving now. Let urself settle, and remember deep inside u r just a witness, eternally silent, aware and unchanged.
A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help u become detached, and a new awareness will lift the veil from ur eyes.
Soul
I just told SL, I now can witness my mental reaction and I have a choice of letting it roll into an emotional reaction.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Self realisation
There is a sense of certainty about urself and about ur perception of reality. It also manifests as a sense of completeness, as a sense of things making sense, as a sense of having meaning to urself, to ur life and to ur world without necessarily knowing what that meaning is.
Everything now has an implicit sense of meaning, value and preciousness. Ur life, ur activity and creativity originate from that pure and certain sense of significance to ur world and who u r.
Soul
Exactly. I am now cleared. I really don't want to work. I may not know yet what I will be. But I know what I don't want and that's a start.
Soul
Suddenly tot of me having a workaholic boss like E is good. Since he cannot stop work and I am basically taking part of his work. I won't have a problem doing part time.
And SL is very capable, she can rise to my level. I have the best of both.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When this sense of self realisation is absent, u usually experience meaninglessness and emptiness in urself and in ur life. The ego personality deals with the loss of a sense of meaning by creating a sense of meaning. The usual mode is by having goals and aims that u will attain one of these days. The meaning of ur life becomes the attainment of those goals.
For most people life has meaning only in terms of these long term goals.
Soul
I am releasing whatever makes me happy and it leaves a gap. But I don't mind. I don't even have the goal to be successful writer.
Suddenly a tot came on why E gave Ze so many chances. Because he too was a hated 'person' in work place and most people wants him out. So, he project that to Ze and wants to give her more chances.
Father, I was up till midnight yesterday. I reach home after 11 pm from the fund raising.
Actually, I am lovable. I am comfortable with myself and that makes everyone becomes comfortable too.
Both DP and Dato also easy with me.
Today I just asked E for time-off. I want him to know I want time-off as it makes me happy. For me now, life is not meant for working. I just want to be. I work 4 days week.
Z knows that I enjoy most just doing my practices. He knows I love Sathsang the most.
Jul 18 Aft (voluntary late lunch)
It is now 2 pm. I am voluntarily having late lunch. I have changed. Today I assert to SL that she is my successor and my plan is for 3 days week. I told her I am not happy when I have to work 5 days week. My life is not about work.
Father, I m definitely going back for Shoonya refresher. I think I have not properly learn the techniques.
Awareness
The veil of illusion or maya that has been keeping u from perceiving reality as it is, is starting to burn away. The fire is not the heated fire of passion but the cool flame of awareness. As it burns the veil, the face of a very delicate and childlike buddha becomes visible.
Any sense u might have had that u have been groping in the dark is dissolving now. Let urself settle, and remember deep inside u r just a witness, eternally silent, aware and unchanged.
A channel is now opening from the circumference of activity to that center of witnessing. It will help u become detached, and a new awareness will lift the veil from ur eyes.
Soul
I just told SL, I now can witness my mental reaction and I have a choice of letting it roll into an emotional reaction.
Diamond Heart - book 3
Self realisation
There is a sense of certainty about urself and about ur perception of reality. It also manifests as a sense of completeness, as a sense of things making sense, as a sense of having meaning to urself, to ur life and to ur world without necessarily knowing what that meaning is.
Everything now has an implicit sense of meaning, value and preciousness. Ur life, ur activity and creativity originate from that pure and certain sense of significance to ur world and who u r.
Soul
Exactly. I am now cleared. I really don't want to work. I may not know yet what I will be. But I know what I don't want and that's a start.
Soul
Suddenly tot of me having a workaholic boss like E is good. Since he cannot stop work and I am basically taking part of his work. I won't have a problem doing part time.
And SL is very capable, she can rise to my level. I have the best of both.
Diamond Heart - book 3
When this sense of self realisation is absent, u usually experience meaninglessness and emptiness in urself and in ur life. The ego personality deals with the loss of a sense of meaning by creating a sense of meaning. The usual mode is by having goals and aims that u will attain one of these days. The meaning of ur life becomes the attainment of those goals.
For most people life has meaning only in terms of these long term goals.
Soul
I am releasing whatever makes me happy and it leaves a gap. But I don't mind. I don't even have the goal to be successful writer.
Suddenly a tot came on why E gave Ze so many chances. Because he too was a hated 'person' in work place and most people wants him out. So, he project that to Ze and wants to give her more chances.
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