I am losing everything I know

Aug 6

Father, I have a good sleep. Woke up before alarm rang at 4.05 am. Mind did say don't want to do hata but I did it. The first 1 cycle was bit off but subsequent ones were fine. I rest a short while and then I did a short breathing and followed by shakti and shambavi. Later at rest time, I just felt like ending it and I finished by 6.05 am. Earlier by half hour because little rest and also short breathing.

This morning when I shower I was bit worried about losing my identity. Wondering what I be doing in my spare time. Anyway, I reached office, walking with bit of limp as my left sole is swelling. Then I knew the decision is foregone.

I guess, it was bit scary especially I lost Z too. And I also lost Isha. Now everything on my own. Father, I didn't expect nor wanted to reach this state. I guess I should be glad.

A tot just came. The pre-break to dawn is darkness and I am in darkness now. I guess this darkness I have to faced. I am not afraid of losing my career or Z. But I am afraid of the uncertainty of future.

7 year (42 to 48)
To get the most of this period, allow the changes to flow in ur life without trying to know exactly what lies ahead.

When u r in transition, u must change and depart from what has been, and the future is not always clear. But there are always clear skies ahead just beyond what we can see. It would be wise to expect changes and to not make big commitments until after next period.

Affirmation
I experience a major change in my values, which affect every important area of my life this period.

Soul
Just realised I enter age 42 by entry into Isha.

Diamond Heart - book 3
Reaction is an activity of the personality, whereas doing is related more to Being.
If u go deeper into the experience of ur personality, u will see ultimately, personality is a contraction, a restriction. If u go deeper, to the origin of the personality, u will see that the personality begins as a defensive maneuver, as a need to defend against or resist something. At all levels, personality is a resistance to something, to some truth or some state. So, any activity of the personality can only be a manifestation of resistance - a saying no, a rejection, a contraction.

Soul (love and money)
My personality - afraid of being rejected, seen as unlovable. So, I tried to manipulate Z in taking me back. The mind has come up with many tots of contacting Z. I just looked at it, not reacting. Cos truly I am not afraid to be alone. If Z really wanted to be with me, he would call. I need not beg. I only beg because I am afraid.

Also, my mind is cracking ways I can make money. Worry about lost opp. I also don't want to react.

The mind keep on pushing with tots of to do something. To avoid being unloved, being without good career. To avoid loss of valuation.

Diamond Heart - book 3
When u r no longer going along with the activity of saying no. It doesn't meant that u r saying yes. It just means that u were pushing and now u stopped pushing. When u realise that the pushing is useless, u stop doing it.
And then the personality stops pushing. And when it stops pushing, it disappears. There is no person which is letting go of something.
When u stop contracting and stop pushing, what remains is what was there in reality.

Eight of Diamonds
Focusing and concentrating on our VALUES and making choices about what is most important in our life and what is not. Through this kind of focus, 'values' is always attracted to us in the amount we need.