Losing all my external support...Isha, career and Z

Jul 19 Aft

Father, WY is feeling unhappy. So stressed out. She was crying for a long while. I know its not the work but it is her not knowing how to manage her resources.
I talked to the FM and she too shared her issue.
Anyway, I had a team meeting and we sorted it out.

Diamond Heart - book 3
Support will come only when u experience the state of no support, which is not an easy state to experience.
U feel there is no ground to stand on, no wall to lean against. U look around and there is nothing to hold on. U wonder how u can help urself and u feel u can't.
It leaves u feeling deficient, helpless, unable, not knowing, worthless and weird. It is a state of loss of all support, all capacity. It is only by learning to stay in that state and tolerating it that true support will arise.

Soul
I have been there.
For now, I just know I need to hold on and year end decide. But decision is made as I am opting for old company. New company fills my ego but makes me unhappy. Old company doesn't fill ego but makes me happy as I got time off to do the things I want to do.

Diamond Heart - book 3
Sometimes it takes a long time to encounter ur lack of support, but it always happens at some point. When u really let urself experience the hole, the deficiency, the emptiness, without trying to get support or to be seen or to be mirrored, u will see urself and this is the way u will get support. Support usually occurs through mirroring. Anyone can support u by mirroring u. Mirroring involves someone showing u what u r by seeing and appreciating u.

True support is not mirroring, and arises only when u confront ur lack of support, the absence of it, which is there already like a huge abyss. A huge, humungous abyss, a humungous hole into which u go and become a nothingness.

If u allow urself to feel it, then true support will arise in u. When true support comes, u feel as if u r sitting on a mountain top. The whole mountain becomes like a fountain of support for ur reality. From within, u feel an immensity, a tremendous immensity, a tremendous presence, a tremendous existence that is almost as hard as a rock and it supports whatever reality u have realised.
At the beginning, ur teacher embodies that support, that immensity, that mountain and u feel support. That is why u r able to have experiences of self-realisation when u r with ur teacher or with any realised teacher.
However when u leave, u find it difficult to sustain because u have no support for it. Support is there but it is not urs yet. To make it urs, u must internalise it, not just use ur teacher for support. This happens by working through the issues that block support in u. These issues are usually nothing but experiences of loss of support in the past and ways of projecting it and trying to get it externally.

U do not need external support. One of the supports that might fall away in the beginning might be ur career. Ur career might support ur sense of identity and ur sense of value, so at some point u have to become free from it. Or ur support might come from love relationships or friendships or groups and at some point u become free.

At some point u realise that u r using the teaching u r following for support and u will have to drop that as support. This will bring an even bigger aloneness. And the aloneness will continues.

Soul
That's exactly what's happening to me. I was bit worried but I told myself holding on makes me feel restrictive and releasing makes me happy. So I follow happiness.

Aug 5
I didn't expect it but Z broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Firstly, I lost my support with Isha and then then I lost my support in career. And unexpectedly I also lost my support in my love relationship.


Diamond Heart - book 3
The more it is integrated and the more inner support is realised, the more ur experience of self-realisation will become independent and permanent.

At some point u will have to become independent of the school and of the teacher. This does not mean to be physically separated. U can be in the school and still be independent and alone.

Soul
Exactly, I feel alone in Isha. I don't fit in. Also, I don't prescribed to their system.

And Sadhguru come when I am finally seeking independence from Isha.