Energy is back

Oct 8

Father, I was not confident yday night that I will wake up today for suria. So I put 5 am and was fine with 3 cycles of surias. I woke up refreshed at 4 am and I hold a bit. Then I knew there is no reason not to wake up as my body is wide awake. I woke up at 4.22 am to do my practices.

I forgot to do cat stretch and start with suria. The first 2 cycles were quite stiff. But I managed to touch my feet. I got a goal now, to touch my forehead to my knee. Then it went ok and for the first time in 1 year, my feet came back together during rest. Looks like the subtle body works.

I am able to do shakti with more focus. I am able to feel the sensation of each mudra. I am able to sit longer interval before resting my feet. Now that I knew the posture is centering my mind, I did it for myself.

I also realised there were little tots running throughout the practices. The wheel of mind has slowed down. I was amazed almost no tots of Z. I guess it finally settled down. I accept that I can't go back and he can't come out.

I am also glad I finally got back to Mystic Musing - this is a real period of refresher after 4 years.

It has been more than a few months since I wake up feeling refresh and ready for my practices. I am glad energy is back. Or perhaps it was the fact that I finally send the msg to Z and he responded. We finally ended on a good note.

Osho
Until we meet that beloved of our soul, we will remain distressed, in pain; searching and pining for something. Sometimes u will find a face which just for a moment seems to resembles the one u r seeking and u call that love. In dim light, in the darkness, u felt there was a resemblance, but there never really was.

It is only through losing out in love again and again that a person enters into devotion one day.

Soul
Tot of my Internal Influence card.
Abundance - if u r a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of ur own male energies into ur life, a union with the soul mate within.

Could be true as yday after I msg Z, I was almost nonchalant about his response. It no longer matter to me. This is a first time for me. What matters was I want him to know I didn't cut him off in anger.

Osho
Love and devotion are connected, it is the same energy; when it goes down it becomes loves, when it goes up it becomes devotion.
There is a kind of fever in the burning of love and there is a kind of coolness in the burning of devotion - a cool fire. In the burning of love, there is only burning: as though someone is sprinkling acid on a wound. In the burning of devotion, yes, the burning is there - the pain, the writhing of separation - but it is very cool, very calming.

Soul
Finally I understood. I always skip the devotion as I tot it is losing myself, create suffering. It is unfair to me. But now that I have taste a glimpse, I realised devotion is actually "good" and not suffering.
I guess that the same for my practices too. I loved it but I wasn't devoted to it. I loved it up till the benefits is coming. I didn't love it for its own. Whatever I do is for myself. It may be appreciated or not by the other but it definitely benefits me.

Osho - Daya
O my heart, my emotional heart
I am calling him
But let something happen to him
So he cannot help but come
I invite him but of what use is that?

But let something happen to him
So he cannot help but come.
Only when the fire burns on both sides will something happens.

Soul
Tot that was my calling to Z. But I finally concluded he cannot come cos I don't fit his dream. He may desires me but his dream is a traditional marriage with children and I don't want and cannot have children anymore. He also valued materials wealth and spend beyond his means and I don't. So, fire not burning at both ends.

Osho
Daya
I will continue to call u. But let something happen to u too so that u cannot help coming to me, so that u have to come to me.

Devotion is surrender
Devotion is the total letting go of oneself.

Soul
I accepted he cannot come to me. But still I prayed for him daily and I send my love. Finally I knew it is no loss to me.

Osho
The man of knowledge renounces the world; a devotee renounces himself. The man on the path of knowledge let's go of other things; a devotee let's go of his ego.

Soul
No wonder P said I am egoless when it comes to Z.