Slowly but surely accepting myself without Z

Oct 20
Father, did my asanas. Was laughing quite a bit despite accelerated. Shakti was good with kapala bhakti going smoothly. Shambavi was fine too.

As I was meditating, suddenly an insight came. My instinctive response was to reach out to Z. So, since I m normally unconscious that would be the first thing I do. Then perhaps he is my spiritual lesson. I have to be conscious so I don't reach out to him.
Again I wanted to reach out to Z. But I managed to stop myself. I didn't realised it earlier but he has become my confidante for the past 2 years. Whenever I felt anything, he be the first that I shared with. I know I too was the one he share with. But what to do, we got to end us. Both of us not strong enough, and we will spiral back to the past, something which I don't want to do.

Suddenly it occur to me why I become lazy on my practices. I guess when I lost Z, I tot the benefits is no longer there and no point doing. Anyway, I am back to my practices. I am now just doing cos I enjoy it and it is me.

Father, tots of Z is still buzzing and I cannot contain myself. I checked to my daily Osho card and got this:
Innocence
Zen says if u drop knowledge - and within knowledge everything is included; ur name, ur identity, everything, because this has been given to u by others - if u drop all that has been given by others, u will have a totally different quality to ur being; innocence. This will be a crucifixion of the persona, the personality, and there will be a resurrection of ur innocence. U will become a child again, reborn.
The innocence that comes from a deep experience of life is childlike, but not childish. The innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever-changing wonder of life.

Soul
That's how I feel. But still I was not sure. Then I went for the 4 relationship card and got this card again.

1. Me - Innocence
Again the card came and I knew then it is me reborn.

2. Him - Mind
All the rubbish goes on moving in ur heard; ur head goes on spinning and weaving - it keeps u occupied.
The mind is meant to be a servant and now u allow it to run ur lives. The head is fill with mechanisms, the mouth is ranting and raving, and the whole surrounding atmosphere is being polluted by the factory of arguments and opinions.

3. Composite Energies - Playfulness
Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be and when we recognise this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play. The woman in this card is celebrating the joy of being alive, like a butterfly that has emerges from its chrysalis into the promise of the light. She reminds us of the time when we were children, discovering seashells on the beach, building castles in the sand without any concern that the waves might come and wash them away in the next moment. She knows that life is a game and she is playing the part of a clown right now with no sense of embarrassment or pretense.

4. The Insight
The lovers
Sex is the seed, love is the flower, compassion is the fragrance.
Buddha has defined compassion as love plus meditation. When ur love is not just a desire for the other, when ur love is not only a need, when ur love is sharing, when ur love is not that of a beggar but an emperor, when ur love is not asking but something in return but is ready only to give - to give for the sheer joy of giving - then add meditation to it and the pure fragrance is released. This love then is based in freedom, not expectation or need. Its wing take us higher and higher towards the universal love that experiences all as one.

Soul
I have just msg him about my swim and he replied immediately saying that he is still planning for swimming and diving. I responded yea, he is still planning and I am doing. No further response and I am fine. When I want to share, just share.
Father, the way out is acceptance. Acceptance that I still love him despite him not loving me. For now, just share my love. Need not repress it. But I don't want to go back to the past. Let our rship turn into friendship.

Soul
I was updating my abridged book on Ask and It is given and saw the journal I wrote back in Year 2009.

In the end, this whole inner journey is just to accept ourselves, both good and bad. Once we accept ourselves, we felt love flowing thru us.
Isn't that's why we are searching for partner? For someone to accept us as we are, not to reject us when they found us lacking or have weaknesses.
I now accept myself and love myself and I have no need to find a partner to do so. This is so liberating.

Soul
I now accept I loved Z eventhough it is illogical and not smart.

Sadhguru
Whatever it is, illness or calamity that happens around u, u can either use it to liberate urself or u can use it to entangle urself. It is important to face everything with a stable and balanced mind. Avoiding is not the solution. If u avoid it, u get entangled.

Soul
I won't avoid my unrequited love for Z, my Cosmic Lesson. I convert it to universal love, Nine of Hearts.

Was updating my blog and found this journal back in 2009. Desire which I am not getting - acceptance without having to prove myself.

Soul
Yea. Even if I cannot delete Z, I need not force myself to do it in order to get my own self-acceptance.