Being alone is what I need

Apr 27 aft
Now waiting for my flight. Apprehension starts to build up on how to tell the team. But seeing how G is also facing this gave me the courage to proceed.
Well, at least next month I m not doing. Will tell from that. No point declaring and then postponing. Main thing to wait for S's answer.

Been a great trip. G and I bonded well and even able to see the mirror in each other. Will motivate each other.

1. The Issue
Moment to moment.
Only a non-ambitious man can remain in the present. A man who wants to be in the present has not to think, has just to see and enter the gate. Experience will come but experience has not to be premeditated.
Be available what comes ur way, as it comes. And don't worry if u stumble or fall; just pick urself up, dust urself off, have a good laugh and carry on.

Soul
Yes. I just decide today to end. Got myself off next month and see next step. Maybe S's will continue onward. No need to create dilemma.

2. Internal influence
Receptivity
Listening means forget urself completely so that u can listen. When u listen, u become just a passage, a passivity, a receptivity, a womb: u become feminine.

Soul
Didn't expect to hear my answer to my dilemma in local Isha.
To drop being the guide. I tried various time but no takers. Well; the bucks stops here.
No more holding myself.
The adultery video by Sadhguru really meant for me. Be sensible. I may take up local Isha out of validation and now afraid to let go out of fear of validation. But the price to pay is being miserable and resentment. While I may have periods of uncertainty and low valuation but that's something I need to go through.
Being totally alone is what I need now.
Learning I am enough for my own sake and not for what I do is what I need now.

3. External influences that u are aware
Politics
All but the most innocent and sincere of us have a politician lurking somewhere in our minds. Infact mind is political. The whole game is a lie. Take a good look at urself to see if u have been playing this game. What u see might be painful, but not as painful as continuing to play. It doesn't serve anybody's interest in the end, least of all yours. Whatever u might achieve in this way will just turn to dust in ur hands.

Soul
Yes. Keep on reminding me that I m valueless without local Isha especially now Y no more.
Tots of being valueless do scare me but knowing that in the end I truly dislike it and feel miserable. I m not doing justice to local Isha and Sadhguru. As long as I m unwilling it will feel like rape. Eventhough i m capable and free but I don't want to do cos that's not my calling. Being local Isha lead doesn't fulfill me and long term stay without exit only makes me feel resentful.
Capability need not mean responsibility. No more carrying burden on my shoulder.
Also I want to put my focus back into building my team to next level and fulfilling my dream of my husband.

4. What is needed for resolution?
The dream
U fallen in love because u cannot be alone. U were going to fall. U were going to avoid urself somehow or other. And there are people who don't fall in love with men or women - they fall in love with money. They start moving into money or into a power trip, they become politicians. That too is avoiding ur aloneness. If u watch man, if u watch urself deeply, u will be surprised - all ur activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is u are afraid of ur aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that u find urself very alone.

Soul
I transferred validation from career to Z and then local Isha. Then back to Y and then back to local Isha. I have made myself needed when I truly just want to wanted.
All also not what I m. Let me be alone. Let me fulfill my Results of Nine of Spades. Let me know I m enough without anyone or anything.

5. Understanding
Sorrow
Time of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame and self pity.


Soul
Yes. I truly have mirror in Virgo. While I m not into my blood family. I m into my local Isha family. No wonder I attract the Virgo both G and Y into my life. Actually Z also into family. They allow their family to lead their life. I tot I don't with my blood family but I do with my local Isha family.

I made myself indispensable and now cried foul. So got to undo it.
Instead of saying why others doesn't come in; is asking myself why I can't let go.
At least learn from both Z and Y in letting go. See how G doing it too. Only I myself can let go. I need not ask others to let me go. That's like seeking sympathy. They write personally to teacher saying no. Let me give myself the freedom to say no. I too need not ask permission.