Releasing the final link - I can make myself dispensable

Apr 27

Yesterday slept around 9 plus pm after visit to Linga. Slept a long while and wake up around 5 plus, feeling hot and sensual. Just need to undress. And I feel so liberated. Finally able to feel sensual and not associate it with Z. Looking forward to my new relationships.

Went for a swim but somehow not keen on it but more enthralled by the view of sea, sky and hills. G and I chatted. And I then told her about my resentment on being a guide. She said if I m so resentful I should stop doing it. Just stop. I said no one will do. She said what if I m sick. I said even sick I got to do it. Then she said what if my dad is hospitalised and I can't do. Even then I said I still got to make time. She said no one is indispensable.
Then it dawned on me that I make myself indispensable.

When I went to shower, decision made. I will let go of being a guide. The final link that provides the validation. Maybe they are unwilling to train because I want to be a guide. Then I need to unplugged myself. With that I decided to messaged S.

Father, finally let go of the key role of being the guide. Now that I knew it was the validation vs my personal enjoyment for Sathsang. Knowing that I feel resentful that I m the only one. That again I m selected because of my ' capability' or receptivity; then just quit first. I m not doing justice to being a guide. Let others who feel blessed does it. Thanks to G who prompt me. And thanks to Linga for clearing the way.

I just messaged S that I m feeling resentful and no longer want to be the guide. He seems to understand. I felt relieved.

As I was sharing to G that I finally did the cut, thanks to her; she suddenly realised that she too was in the same boat with her family. She was keeping herself too busy with family and no time for sadhanas.