Moon in Eleventh house (Moon in Aquarius) - bonded to group identity

Apr 28

Woke up before alarm and then finally got up from bed at 3.45 am. Sat in toilet and tot of my predicament.
Angarmadhana was quite effortless. Must be the shrine. Balancing was good.
Surya kriya was stiff. Perhaps that's what hata teacher said, will be bad before it got better.
Breathing was good, automatically went into arashidharna posture. Sat for a long while.
Cried loads at Kapala Bhakti. Due to time did a quick Shambavi. Towards the end just contentment. Songs come to my mind but this time I want to go beyond the songs to the silence presence in myself.

I am not a volunteer, I m a seeker. The last few years has taken its toil on me. Today I know I can drop all. Have messaged Y and Sh to take up the guide roles. Probably the other core don't take up cos they have not been to advance program. I m giving up hope that they will come in. At least I must not give up on myself, to have the courage to walk away alone.

I will be alone for now. And there be uncertainty, insecurity, valueless but it is real.

I have already cried and got angry and feeling resentful at Sathsang. Let's not ignore and prolong it. Truly ended. Today there is no dilemma, no guilt. I m walking out for the good of me and local Isha.
If I can't be true to myself I can't be happy. Such irony, Y's north node in Leo is to be happy and whereas Z's South node in Leo. Me Venus in Leo. Alas I myself can't be happy. Anyway no more dilemmas. Even if Sh and Y not taking the back up role, I m not staying.

Moon in 11th house by Gargothill
Insecurity
            If you are inwardly insecure, you will be so bonded and attached to your identification with your group, that you lose your own sense of personal identity.  In essence, you merge your identity into the group identity so that the group consciousness becomes your own subconscious, in a sense.  Your attachment to the group results in your own attitudes and behavior being conditioned by the group.
            Your behavior is very vulnerable to domination by peer pressure, for you cannot see yourself going against the group or leaving it.  The group has become your family.  You will do anything to remain a part of the group and retain the group's approval.

Soul
No wonder it took me so long to leave local Isha. The resentment been building up.

Moon in 11th house
Transcendent Potential
            You can actualize the transcendent potential of the Moon in the Eleventh House when you become committed to high ideals and social values.  This will often lead you to work for the benefit of others self-sacrificingly.  You abandon your concern for your own welfare in order to aid humanity.  You may have a strong sense of social responsibility and a desire to care for and protect those who are less fortunate.  You generally see social action as the primary vehicle for accomplishing this. 

            It may occur, however, whether through disillusionment or a sudden shift in point of view, that you retreat from active social involvement in order to undertake your own personal quest.  You may realize that changing the system does not necessarily equate to its improvement and that true change depends upon raising consciousness.  You then see that consciousness raising must begin with yourself.  You, therefore, embark on a personal journey toward actualizing your high ideals.

Soul
Amen. Yes. Me, not a volunteer but a seeker.

Moon in 11th house
Your Emotional and Sub-conscious Development is Focused on Social Responsibility and Involvement
            The Eleventh House placement of the Moon affords you a social avenue through which you can constructively channel your emotional needs and drives.  It also suggests that you are likely to be a warm, caring person (conditioned, of course by the Moon’s sign), at home in a group situation and committed to social justice.  You may find yourself in the role of "group mother” (or “father"), providing the care-giving energy that keeps a group cohesive and committed to each other.  Your own identification with a group is likely to be high, especially if your connection to the group is based on family, ethnic or historical ties.
            If you become active in social causes, you are likely to pour emotional energy into your efforts and feel personally committed to the cause.  The primary danger of such intense and emotional group involvement is that you may not have energy left to share with your own family or to provide yourself with emotional "down time."

Soul
So true. No wonder I feel drained. I feel resentful and wants to run away. I don't want anything to happen.
And if I can't find time for myself what about my future husband.

Where You Are Behaviorally Comfortable
            Generally, you are most comfortable in a group situation or when you are feeling that you are a part of a larger social dynamic.  It is only when the emotional/nurturing element becomes dysfunctional or when stress is experienced due to the conflict between personal and social obligations that you would feel ill at ease in a group.  You also are likely to feel good when you can feel that you are contributing to society or working for the benefit of others.  Your attraction to and comfort with groups may predispose you to join and work for various causes.
Your personality may also express undertones of Moon-in-Aquarius.

Soul
No wonder the dilemma.

Mmm, no wonder the attraction to Y (South Node in Aquarius) and I too have North Node in xx House (Aquarius). Z also have North Node in Aquarius and hence his attraction to me.
Mmmm...