Isha Volunteering not for me.

May 2 eve

Had a good chat with L. She asked how was this time different from the previous time. I told her last time was breakup this time was let go.
I shared with her that I never feel fulfilled during volunteering. She said perhaps volunteering has not touch me. I said volunteering can't touch me. After 5 years I m sure volunteering is not for me. I told her that I put my writing on hold for the last one year. Now I m back writing.

Last Wed I wrote for 6 hours and I feel fulfilled. She said that's because writing is my passion, my enjoyment. Yes, I said there is no outcome and people said I m discipline. I said I write because I want to. I wrote for myself, for my growth, to record my journey in life.

I also said I am into sadhanas. I do 4 and half hour daily in weekdays and I am fine with it. Others would cringe. Also, I am getting closer with the Shrine.

I told her the cage is open and I m still feeling bit apprehensive. I just lost a big part of my life.

She said don't think of me losing but think of me letting go for something better to come. Amen.

Saw the local Isha volunteers whatsapp chat can see their enthusiasm and I missed the camaderie. But I remind myself that they are doing because of willingness on volunteering. For me is just to seek validation. For a moment ask myself why I can't like volunteering; then I remind myself that they don't go for advanced sadhana, don't go to ashram, don't go for shrine and etc.
I already know my passion which is my writing. Just go back to myself.
Luckily had the earlier conversation with L. She said don't see it as I lost something instead see that I let go so I can have something more.

Rebellesociety - By Johanna Vanderpol
This poem is meaningful
The demons sit close to her on the cold rock. They surround her.
She can feel their breath.
She moves closer.
“What do you want me to know today?” she says.
She listens.
“Be more of You and you will see less of us.”
 She climbs out of the darkness to try on her new skin.
The exit door leads in…

Soul
Saw the volunteer pic and a shiver ran through me. I can't work like them. Be sensible. I will miss the bonding but I can't pay the price.