Breakthrough - learning to say mind eventhough I am afraid

Jan 28
Woke up 4.50 am cos watch movie till 11.40 pm followed by a short meditation in front of my shrine. Once I sit, I am in.

Did Bhoota Suddhi. Watch the sky. Nice. Sang guru pooja. Did one yoga Namaskara and one surya kriya followed by asanas. Quite okay for all. Breathing was nice.
Shakti was good and Shambavi too. Towards the end sat in arashidharna posture silently and contently. Just so nice. Sitting there. I say for quite a while. Would prefer to stay longer but working day.

Father, I am confused. I m confused if my gesture of including Y into my social circle is out of me clinging to him or out of kindness. I m more worried of the former. If the former, then I m not sincere and I am still clinging. And worse still is that it would take longer to move on and prolong the unrequited love. 
Do I love him? I wonder. I did the declaration cos I know I m attracted to him. But love I don't think so.
Father, what I feared is that I m not in control. To move on, maybe best to delete his contact just like I did Z. But with Z, once I got over him I don't miss him. With Y I will miss.

Anyway, just messaged him la.
I told him that I will miss him when he is gone cos not everyday u meet someone u click. Also invited him to my house.

This day just be direct. Actually without the mind, just go with the flow. There is no dilemma. Of course there is pain and pleasure at the end as every action has consequences but there is no dilemma; no over working mind.

Father, these days I m not as willing to debate with my mind. Mmm, something just came to me. The time taken to deliberate our decision to take action is much much more than time to just do it. And after doing it, just face it. And these days I m not afraid of dying; of facing rejection or etc. These days I just go for it. Mmm life is to live; to just do it instead of to think, to deliberate to avoid loss; loss of pride, loss of money and etc.

Y and mine composite
1. Y in my second house
He bring me wealth and confidence
He is here to enhance my freedom in terms of my personal and financial strength and to make sure I know I can survive on my own.
He is here to make me see my unique talents and help me to become more aware of my value to others and to reap the rewards myself.

Y's purpose in my life is to be a conduit to a higher level of awareness than I would be able to reach without Y's influence. Y encourage me to take risks and grow.

He need me to tell him directly what I need. Focus on what I need from him rather than his behaviour. 
To bring out the best in them, stay away from their personal business and psychology and allow them to focus on ur needs.

Soul
I just follow these la. Such irony. He rejected me but I have grown more confidence despite his rejection. I can just tell him how I feel without fear. At the most he avoid me and I won't die.
Father, I m truly learning to express myself. But I still have not able to hold still and wait. After I msg I normally delete it so not as to keep any reminder.
Yes, he just avoid me. Mmm, we both got Pluto challenge of Two of Hearts.

Tot of Y and Z. Both issue on Five of Clubs. Difficult for them to change their mind and I seems to be the catalyst of change. With Z, he face Pluto Five of Clubs and Results Queen of Diamonds but he couldn't or didn't want to overcome his plan of having traditional marriage with children. With Y, he face issue in communication as he alters been a loner and the easiest for him is to be alone. While he is good in professional communication, he is not great in personal. Yes, that's me too.