Old fear of losing validation comes back

Jun 30 eve
Father, saw the ending email from teacher.
As expected, he said I need not attend since I no longer want to be the guide.
They are now teaching new format and I myself will need to be trained.
I shared about my feelings yesterday and told him that I revert by this Wed.

Father, since the new format is just the person standing there..

Even now that I am not the guide..I am also inspiring people.
Better for me to share during Sathsang..as a guide..by right I can't share.
Promoting Sadhguru's tool...just be myself..just share..
I need not have to be the Guide and miss out the fun of having Sathsang.
Me just being in Sathsang is a testament of Sadhguru's presence.
Being a guide, I cannot participate..
Anyway..will change air ticket and spend 2 days outstation with G. Just chill and catch up.

Jul 30 eve 1
Had a good session of Shakti. I was laughing loads. At least Kapala Bhakti is correct albeit no sound. Also learned that the gap of one and half second is not the slow version. Main purpose is to avoid too speedy.

When I was doing, a tot of being useless comes to my mind. Recalled Sadhguru said he does not need anything from us. At the very least he wants us to be growing, to be mature and better person every day.
I m not sure about better person but I m sure about becoming my authentic self.
Truly wish I didn't reply to the teacher. Should have just KIV.
The previous mail again was like seeking sympathy vote and I knew that are not bothered. They already written me off. Guess I reacted towards his mail. The fact that I changed my flight to accommodate him and he didn't tot of informing me earlier as he already doesn't need me.
Also since I was the one who gave him S's input, he should at least ask me for the contact but instead he ask P.
Mmm a tot came, maybe should not take it as a slight nor see as him pushing me away. Perhaps its because he know I don't like to volunteer.

Anyway, found at that I have not been doing Suka Kriya correctly. I didn't close and block first before I changed breathing cycle. Amen.
This proved that I m not meant to be the guide. Honestly didn't enjoy the correction. 

Never mind, don't reply.

Don't go back to the past.