Jun 3
This morning woke upon alarm. Angarmadhana was good but I omit the heavy squatting posture. Right knee is slightly better than yesterday, energy moving once more. Surya kriya alignment was perfect.
Breathing was good in arashidharna posture. Shakti was fine and I start to feel the joy circling in my body. Laughed after Kapalabhakti and the end. Shambavi was fine. Towards the end breathe hissing and sat in arashidharna. So lovely. I m back.
Today again the tot of expanding my room for Sadhguru's sannidhi comes in. Let's face it, I won't be able to have another spare room as family always coming and not sure when will brother stays on. But I think he may be looking for property to buy.
So since I can only have my room, the only option is to expand by reclaiming the balcony.
Coincidentally this year got bonus, is enough to cover both Kailash trip and balcony.
I m not going to wait for an unknown husband. I don't know when and where he comes. I remember the old me wouldn't renovate my room and thanks to Z I learn to spend money and renovated my room that has become my oasis. And now I m ready to embark on having sannidhi in my big room.
So glad to now have avigna yantra at G's place. For me, Gudi is enough. Sannidhi is for my sadhana.
Yesterday realised that I m completely out of the loop from local Isha. A feeling of loss comes in. Know that validation is gone and tot of the back up guide position but like P said I still have resentment. Or rather my preference is to be just a meditator. Let me take this period to do what I want. Let me celebrate that I m freed at last. Cos again given the choice I don't want to be the guide. I just want to sit and lost my self. Okay, decision made then. Complete let go.
Today I feel my energy moved again. It has been stagnant for a few days. Yesterday evening practices I sang guru pooja for dad, cried loads. Shoonya went in deep. Had dinner and went to see dad. Sis was with him, massaging his hands. I went over to dad, put my hand on his forehead to get his attention. Them I stroke his hand, just giving my energy to him. I said silently to him to let go. It is time.
Mmm, it's also time for me to move on. Stop mulling over loss of Y and local Isha.
I finally decided to move on to raise my consciousness, reaffirming my values and loving myself by having Sadhguru's sannidhi and expand my room.
Mmm, knee pain has reduced loads. I remember knee pain is refusal to let go and move on.
Of Mystic and Mistakes
If you do not know the intoxication of the divine within u and if u do not know the alertness of the mind, u will completely miss life. The only way to perceive life at its best is when u are intense and absolutely relaxed at the same time.
To be intense and absolutely relaxed - this is only possible if u are absolutely aware, and at the same time, u are absolutely drunk.
So this means u are producing ur own narcotic and consuming ur own narcotic, it has tremendous impact on ur health, well being, mental alertness, perception, everything.
This blissful state is not a goal by itself. The blissful state will eliminate the fear of suffering. Only when the fear of suffering is gone, only when this anxiety of "what will happen to me", is completely eliminated from u, will u dare to explore life. Otherwise u only want to protect it.
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