Facing my karma in relationship (29) - to lose is to live

Feb 12

Father, I just text him to come. I am no longer afraid to lose. Once u r no longer afraid, u have courage.
They say courage exists when there is fear.
I also know that when I am afraid, I freezes.

Once I did the text, I felt bit apprehensive. Then a tot came, it is ok to lose. Then I realised that with Z the possibility is double loss. I felt lose if he didn't reply or if he says no cos that's 'rejection and I felt lose if he wants to come cos then I lost to him.

After that, I tot fine, I will be dead but at least I played the game. Once I says that, immediately the feeling apprehension is gone. So, when I received his reply with a rejection with smile. I replied in kind with a smile and cheer. Father, this is amazing. I also want to thank U. Whenever I reach my end and I wanted to flight, U always send someone or something to gave me motivation to stay on.
And then when Z and I finally open up and he says he wanted a relationship without any commitment, I wanted to flight. And here U send me Samurai Game. The only thing I did was to stop running and at times makes some move and U did the rest.

(Mar 21 - Recently, he told me that he really wanted to join me when I text him but he could not make it.)

Best of all U send Z who stood by me. I don't know what's tomorrow but what I knew was he pushed me to open up all my doors and stood by me. Somewhere, somehow something made him stayed on even though he wanted to turn away from me. It must be U.

I only have this mantra;
"To lose is to live!"

The ability to lose is the courage I need.
I want him because I want to transform myself.
I want him because I want him.
I want him because he is a diamond
I want him because he is the partner I dream off that I tot could never happen. His ability to be open and vulnerable with me.

Suddenly I recalled what he says. He saw a gal he has emotion for, then he plan for how to get her to bed. Emotion, mental, physical. In his ernest to get me to bed, he forgot to protect his own vulnerability. Of course, I am sure he now 'hits' himself.

In the end, he is afraid to lose, like me too. And he has more reason to fear loss. For me, no reason. And its perfect as my life lesson is the ability to lose.

Amen.