Facing my karma in relationship (31) - live with uncertainty

Feb 14

A tot came; Z said "I am the only one that knows about his dream." I am the only one that knows about his life."

I just realised that he doesn't touch people because he is actually a private person and like me, he too has many layers. Perhaps now that he knows about me, he wanted to slow down too. So, give him time. Need not follow my time. I can be impatient.

A tot just came. I recalled I repeatedly told him I only date guys with brain, and he sheepishly said that's not him, he is only average. I wonder if he talks about non-commitment becos of me. He gave me the story of d gal to tell me that I have no worries.

Aiyoh. I just know one thing he does want me. He behaves like a Jack only when he is with me. Other times he is behaves like a mature adult, with other sometimes he crack some jokes. And I knows I want him. Just like I learnt during the swim in the Resort. Just see on what's is here and now, don't have to see the future. What will happen, will happen.

Father, I realised what I lost is just my pride at the moment. I am coming to 44, why do I need to worry about that? Like H said, nearly half lifetime is gone. I just text him. Amen.

Courage is ability to lose. Instead of thinking of I lost, why don't I think it makes him happy to know I want him too.

Found this by Ekhart Tolle in New Earth
As the ego is no longer running your life, the psychological need for external security, which is illusory anyway, lessens. You are able to live with uncertainty, even enjoy it. When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change.

If uncertainty is unacceptable - it turns to fear
If uncertainty is acceptable - it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity.

Soul
Whatever happens, I am initiating change towards my Top 5. And I really want him.

He rejected. At first I took it badly and I said I want out. Having a rship cause more problem. I then stop myself, I just said it is a happy problem, one that I didn't have for many years.
Then a tot came, he can't come cos he is not coming to volunteer meet and he did say we go out separately one day...which means another time. This is not rejection.
Father, my negative tots are so auto. Anyway, I feel better now.

Just rec a text from him. He is giving me his bb pin number so that all my texts to him is free. That's good news, that's means he wants me to text him more. I guess I will also have to open up to him. Mmm, this is like giving me a key to his house, too big a comparison ... but something there.

Late afternoon
Told boss about Z saying that he doesn't want to have a commitment. She roll her eyes and said that we have not even start and we talked about commitment. We are talking about something in future that both parties does not know what will not happen. She asked me to ignore it.

Actually, she is right. We both doesn't know. That's means we both also got an issue. Just like Z's insistence on asking my stand whether I want to commit and here I was worried that he doesn't want to commit.

So, what I know is that we both want each other.