Facing my karma in relationship (32)

Feb 16
I used to think m not lovable.

Actually I am likeable and lovable. I had displayed double negative feminine energy. And because it conflict with my Ace of Diamond masculine energy, it makes me feel very unease, uncertain and I become resentful of the partner and hence push either him or myself to end it. And when it ended, I judged myself for being unlovable and I didn't want to go into relationship because it trigger so much unease and uncertainty and the chance of winning is slim base on my track record.

I also project my neediness to the guy. I tot I was giving them love cos they need it. Actually I need it and I was seeking. They don't need me.
Just now tot of Z and I wonder how he is, maybe can send a msg to him. 2nd tot is I want a msg from him, not him wanting mine.
Now alas I can see the projection.

External influence
The dream
U r afraid of ur aloneness and u want to drown it in relationship.
Nobody, whether its ur current partner or some dreamed - of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner riches and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards to us.

Soul
Z is my past life card. He is also my Pluto and Saturn card, mainly due to my issue with relationship. For the first time I wan to take this challenge. I am willing to change my approach by giving love to myself and not seek for him. Z is just a tool to remind me to love myself unconditionally.

What is needed for resolution? Slowing down.
Each moment one has to be at ease with oneself - not trying to improve, not cultivating anything, not practicing anything.

Soul
I am fine on my own. I need not seek him to be fine. I need not have him to be fine. I have my home with me. I need not seek shelter with him.

Resolution
Projection
Through ur excitement the dream starts looking like reality. If u r excited then u r intoxicated, then u r not in ur senses. Then whatsoever u see is just ur projection. U r projecting an image of ur partner that u have constructed in ur mind, covering the real face of the person.
Projections happens when we are not fully aware of our own expectations, desires and judgements; instead of taking responsibility and owning them, we try to attribute them to others. A projection can be devilish or divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projection nonetheless - a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is.
The only way out is to recognise the game.
When u find a judgment arising about another, turn it around; Does what u see in others really belong to u? Is ur vision clear, ir clouded by what u want to see.

Soul
Suddenly for the first time I saw my projection. I want to transform.

Perhaps my interest in him kindled becos I tot I won't be getting it from writing. I tot I may not succeed.

Expect a miracle
Kelly Preston
A relationship filled with long conversations, laughter and doing fun things together.
Admire him for who he was and he seemed to bring out my most creative and productive energy.
And instead of always picking at what was wrong, we celebrated this incredible relationship that seemed like a miracle to both of us.

Soul
Sounds familiar between me and Z.

Expect a miracle
We create our own reality, that healthy relationships can occur only when we are ready inside, when we r open to miracle.
Being open means trusting and having faith in the benevolence of Grace and realigning ourselves with the power behind it. When that happens, we no longer have to work at finding, and only wait for it to appear.