Cosmic Lesson (7)

Feb 10 Eve 2

Evening
Just came back from the preliminary training briefing. He asked if there were last 24hours, what would I be doing. First tot was me writing response to comments on website. Second tot was having a heart to heart session with my partner, but I already done it yday.
Why I join the training? I know what I want, but it is not easy. It will take courage. Where did my courage gone to? How can I bring it back.

Then a tot came to me on my issue, bloody hell, the challenge has doubled. Just when I tot I nearly overcome my fear, u gave me a double shot. I have to face the challenge with a guy that says he will abandon me anytime.

Father, why lah?? Why double. I tot of my past. Nope I am not going back there. My love life is effortless, why do I need to choose to overcome a double challenge. There is nothing to prove. Why can't I wait for the right guy? Why do I need to take this lesson! The logical step is to walk away.
I proceed earlier cos I tot he was keen on me but since he isn't. There is no reason to continue. We can just be like the stranger that passed through the night. And at the end, I valued yday so much, even more than the physical. And if he can't even value it, there is no reason to continue.
As for his call for scuba dive, was for me to rendezvous with him. I tot it was because he wanted to share his interest. Looks like he already had the intention even from day one. And that is still without no liking. He was just looking for an outlet for his own release. I was just one of the many.

Father, my love life is effortless. And this one is not even a partner issue as he doesn't even has me in his mind. I don't have to pursue this. I can just drop it. He is a diamond but he is not mine.

A tot came, m I coming from fear?
An answer. Why am I afraid of walking away? Don't I trust that there will be someone else. Why do I need to jump in just because I am asked. He totally has no feeling for me and he said that if I cannot handle, we should not start. Yday, I said I want to. But now, why set myself up. Why don't I just say no. So, what if he abandoned me. I like him but he doesn't, he just want to have fun.

Yea, I recalled the korean drama. He truly supported her and was her soil.

My love life is effortless. So I need not pursue to change my physical status just to get ready for partner. My partner will understand and I can already flow. So, I need not take up the offer. Yea loh, why such drama? He doesn't, doesn't lah, I need not prolong it. So, what if we shared all the intimate chat, if he doesn't even value it, I need not also.

My love life is effortless. I need no go through such challenge. For now, I know I already can respond and I can do dancing. So, just go for dancing. I need not challenged myself. I need not prove myself. My transformation is to go with the flow......
To accept his rejection. To walk away knowing that my lovability is intact.
A sigh of relief! Let me valued the child in me. Just go for dancing. I already am ready, just wait for my partner, need not take a guy who doesn't even like me, doesn't value me, who wants to bed me and even had the gall to offer another guy to me.
Yea, I am fine. So what if he abandon me. He doesn't have me nor I him.
I will meditate and be blissful, my partner will come. Z was a false start.

I tot of going out again with Z. But a tot came, why start the drama, he already says he doesn't like u and he also said he is strong and won't change his mind. Use the energy on my writing.

So, tell him. I tot u like me and I want to explore further. But now that u don't, there is no need to go further. For u, its just a form of release, for me, it is an act of love. And I don't have the urgency nor feel desperate to change the status quo. U r projecting ur issue to me. I recalled Sadhguru says, when u can't have joy, you aim for pleasure.
I need not accept the challenge. My love life will be effortless and it is up to me to make it so by not accepting unnecessary challenges.
He and I are at different phase.
I have learnt me lesson, it is ok to be rejected. So, what if he doesn't like me or appreciate me, it doesn't affect my lovability.
He has helped me by explaining to me about the mixed signal. In future I will handle it.
Also yday sharing has cleansed up everything in our closet. So, that could be the finale.

He will understand. I will ask him, if I were his friend, would he ask me to take up the offer. I will tell him that taking up the offer will affect my joy. I don't want to risk it.