Facing my karma in relationship (19)

Feb 1 Eve
Just finished my shoonya and samyama, abt 1 hour.
Sh has read my website and think my profile write up is nice and concise summary. I am real glad I shared. With V so busy and S not able to discuss, I wanted an alternate partner.
When I was meditating, a tot came about meeting Z now that I have confessed. Not sure how Z would respond and especially me being a sathsang guide. I was fine with it. Its time I go public just like my website. Amen

Late evening
My mind is punishing me. Saying I can't control myself. Why I didn't wait. Saying that I let myself into this problem. It like the past when I finally wrote a note to A and he didn't respond. I followed up and it was a rejection.
Saying that why do this during new year, why spoil my celebration. Why didn't u check the card, there was nothing there.
How r u going to face him??
Why still so confident?

Alternative tot
I am glad I am reactionary cos alas my control is out
I am glad that if he wasn't keen, then he was pulling a fast one and I should know soon rather than later.
I did check and ignored it but perhaps it is my lesson to learn. It is not like the past, this time he openly said to me so many times, hint to me so many times, and besides I like him.
Just like that, gave him a smile. I know we have good chemistry but he is not ready.
I don't want to be unhappy, I don't want the drama.
So what if he is not keen, I am not threatened.

Let's look at the Osho card again.
1. Issue
Past Lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour

Soul
I no longer belief that I am unlovable. I no longer believe that if a guy doesn't like me, I am not lovable and I have to suffer. I no longer believe that I have to take the rejection personally. I can be cool about it cos it is not me.
I won't let my mind control me. I am loved, loving and lovable.
A guy cannot make or break me, cannot define my existence. He cannot change my innocence, my sharing, my joy.
I am now here. Not going back to the past. Even if he doesn't like me, I no longer want to take it personally. Besides, I am still his friend and this scenario will put us where we should be, as friends. Then he no longer need to flirt with me.
I am not going back to the past. I have come so far. I called him but no response and I text him as follows;
Hi. Call me back. We r friends lah, so still can talk even if u don't like me mah :)
His liking me or not has no bearing in me being his friend. And who knows, we can be real friends without the illusion after this.
And even if he doesn't call back. I am at a better place than before. But I think we can be friends cos I know he is a good guy, eventhough he is player.
This feeling is different from the incident with A. Very different. This time no suffering becos I don't take it personally. I don't feel any guilt.
The karmic cycle is broken because I called despite what my mind said. I am lovable, I am joyful and I can dance. My love life is effortless. No more drama.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
The Fool
A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. His trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt him.
Each time u don't allow situations to corrupt u, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Ur soul will become more crystalised.
If u trust ur intuition right now, ur feeling of the 'rightness' of things, u cannot go wrong. Ur actions may appear "foolish" to others, or even urself, if u try to analyse them with the rational mind.
At this moment, the Fool has the support of the Universe to make this jump into the unknown. Adventures await him in the river of life.

Soul
I did my confession. There were no response for 2 days. I call him back but no response and I text him back. I may look foolish but I deserved to be given a pat on the back for being courageous and for being loving. I trust the Universe. U have brought spring time to me and I will continue to flower. My process of flowering cannot be hampered by this inconsequential matter. I won't allow it.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Ripeness
Only if ur meditation has brought u a light that shines in every night will even death not be a death to u but a door to divine.
With the light in ur heart, death itself is transformed into a door and u enter into the universal spirit.
When the fruit is ripe, it drops from the tree by itself. One moment it hangs by a thread from the branches of the tree, bursting with juice. The next moment it falls, not because it has been forced to fall or has made the effort to jump, but because the tree has recognised its ripeness and simply let it go.
U r now ready to share ur inner riches, ur juice. Just relax and let it happen.

Soul
I never tot of doing the confession, it will be suicidal. I never plan for it. But yesterday suddenly it happen after reading tarot. I fell into the confession, just like I fell into the program. It just happen.

4. What is needed for resolution
Schizophrenia
Man is split. If u want to say 'yes', immediately the 'no' is there. U cannot even utter a simple word 'yes' with totality. In this way happiness is not possible; unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality.
The only way out of this dilemma is, unfortunately, to let go of both once. U can't work ur way out of this one by solving it, making lists of pros and cons, or in any way working it out with ur mind. Better to follow ur heart, if u can find it.

Soul
Yesterday was a total yes.

5. The understanding
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful.
This is the essence of true friends, mature, easy with each other, natural. There is no urgency about their connection, no neediness, no desire to change the other into something else.
U notice u r no longer interested in all kinds of dramas and romances that other people are engaged in. It is not a loss. It is the birth of a higher, more loving quality born of the fullness of experience. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands.

Soul
He called me back. He said he wanted to reply me but was bogged down by so much emails from everywhere. After that he forgot to reply. Then he saw my missed call and my text. He said I would 'scold' him. We open up another inner door and shared our past and our sexual exposure. When I was talking to him I realised that I was attracted to the men's brains and infact most time not even physically attracted to them. No wonder I can't go further with them. I was able to let them kiss and etc with me because I was disconnected from my body, just like when the childhood incident happens. Actually I didn't like it nor enjoy it but I tot is part of the deal.
Father, apart from Raj, I was not attracted to them at all. I was seeking the wrong thing. No wonder I cannot respond to them.

Mar 6
I realised I was unavailable and unconsciously choose guy that I cannot connect with and don't mind losing.
Such irony..and here ego judged me to be unlovable..which is not true...