Finally can see the source of Rheumatoid Arthristis in me

Nov 24 Mor 1

I used to that pride in working with nasty people. Thinking I got loads of empathy or that I m good and hence they want me too.
In reality, it was a false harmony. I suffer them cos I tot I needed them. I sold myself out.

Its afternoon already.
I now know how my RA arise. I have been unconsciously attacking myself all these times whenever there is a conflict. I always said its me. I keep on attacking myself until it becomes a resentment. Than later it becomes overwhelming and then I run off.

Father, alas I got hope to be cured from RA. Now that I m conscious of attacking myself, body need not attack itself. What was unconscious is now open. It need not use my body to tell me.

The power of empathy
Projection is often unconscious; psychologist sometimes call it projective identification, which means that I (the projector) identify with something in u and then I complain about it without having to look into or evaluate myself.
Projection is a defense mechanism but ultimately it is self defeating. When we project we attempt to disown or deny certain parts of the self and attach those unwanted parts onto others.


Soul
I did earlier said P represent my brother, who gave me load of criticisms. I also told her that I dread receiving call from her cos it is mostly negative; telling me what I did wrong and etc.

Mmm. A tot came. Maybe that's why I am sensitive to criticism, it felt attacking cos I have been attacking myself all these while. Criticism is a form of mild attack when directed to sensitive people.
I am sensitive and coupled with my unconscious self attack. I viewed criticism personally. Since I never defend myself against my own self attack, it never occur me to defend myself. I was acting like a child. Keep on beating the child until my body also mirror the attack via RA.

The power of empathy
 Projection closely related to the phenomenon of image love so often experienced in the idealisation stage of rship. With image love I see u as the perfect mate, the ideal person who can lead me to salvation. When I realised that u are not perfect or when no one comes along to save me, I am tempted to blame everything on u (or someone else). So I project, meaning I take my problems, paste them on u, and then blame u for making life difficult for me.

Projection closely related to the Image love and projection represent attempts to feel at ease with ourselves. Both strategies backfire, however, for they distance us from reality, from ourselves, from the people we care about. We idealise others because we want to be idealised ourselves; we project our feelings onto others because those feelings don't fit with the image we have constructed for ourselves. How painful, then, when we realise that the ideal image is cracked - for that image reflects directly back to us. Only with empathy can we looked at the cracked mirror and learn to accept both the imperfect other and the imperfect self. Only with empathy can we decide that the reflection in the mirror is part of us but not all of us. Only with empathy can we make the commitment to devote the energy and effort to alter the image to match reality.

Soul
My rship with P is like a roller coaster. We go through up and down; "Kiss and make up.
Both not willing to lose each other. But both may not stand each other. Just as she can't stand my drama I too can't stand her attack.
Actually now come to think of it, her jumping to conclusion creates the drama in the first place. When she dish out her opinions, others respond negatively and to her we are creating drama. So her key word is drama. My key word is Attack.
She takes pride on being rational and sensible.
I take pride in not doing things I don't want. Having things my way, being nice to myself. Seemingly self centred. Alas unconsciously self attack myself

Father, slowly but surely seeing the source of RA in me.

Soul
Alas I see P as the ideal volunteer and judge myself lacking. So any criticism of hers be taken doubly hard. Others face it but they don't take it personally. Then others don't have the unconscious self attack like me.
I am hit doubly cos I sought her approval and I hit at myself too when I don't get it.

A tot came to tell her about my realisation. But I said nope cos I m not ready. Don't want to go through the cycle again.  Admit that I m not ready now. Any reconciliation be false and our friendship will brake again. It has gone through many stage.


The power of empathy
The individual increasingly comes to feel that this locus of evaluation lies within himself. Less and less does he look to others for approval or disapproval; for standards to live by; for decisions and choices. He recognised that it rests within himself to choose; that the only question which matters is, "Am I living in a way which is deeply satisfying to me, and which truly expresses me? 
This I think is perhaps the most important question for the creative individual.

Soul
Mmmm, the last rship ended with Z. Little did I realised that I had a similar one with P.
This one truly reflect my North node in Taurus. After this need to go back to North node book. The last time was two years ago.

The power of empathy
Expressing the self truly and openly means embracing those parts of the self that we would just soon excise or ignore. In this process of acknowledging our imperfections, empathy shows us a way out of polarisation stage.
For if we accept the fact that we can use some improvement, we have to acknowledge.