Ego still ticking

Sept 15 (afternoon)

When I was doin shoonya, a tot came to chk Osho transformation. Which is fine, cos I m stressed and also d issue card was on transformation.
I was also judgin myself, why stil feelin stressed. Shldnt I be ok by now? Also judging myself a bit that after my most ardent attempt, there is no taker. Why no result? Perhaps I am still not enlighten enough? Also my mind is still pushing me for more initiative on d IE program. It is distracting me. Why d mind stil so active even after I can see ot. Or rather why am I still affected eventhough I already know d politician mind, forever pushing me to be more, in whatever ways, whatever means.

Transformation card
1. Influences affectin u that u may not be aware - Playing, Krishan challenge to Arjuna
The result of your activity is in the hands of the Divine, u simply do. Don't get worried abt the results.
The point is d results is not in ur hands, u shld not carry it. If u carry it, then ur life cannot become meditative.

Soul - I hav been stressing myself over d lack of result. Even d star metro, a fellow meditator didn't reply, I was slight miffed. Also no response from friend's contacts. No response from my cousin on my email. Even close friend didn't reply, he probably think m a fluke n that's why didn't call me.
Aiyah, close friend is not like that lah.

2. Direction u r going that u r aware - Greed - a parable of ambition and hurry
Drop greed, don't be bothered abt the results. Sometimes it happens that becos of ur impatience, u miss many things.

Soul - that I knew. My mind says why stil no result? Its becos no result, u not able to get anyone to come to IE preview. Its becos no result that u r still affected by office. I am human lah.

3. Inner influences that u may not be aware of
Challenge - the parable of the farmer and the wheat.
Misery only means that things are not fitting with ur desires - and things never fit with ur desires, they cannot. They simply go on following their nature - Dharma.
The wise man is one who relaxes with the nature of things
The night is needed as much as the day.
If ur just happy and happy and happy, happiness will lose its meaning. Its like writing on white board, actually a black board is required. Tthe days of sadness are as essential as the days of happiness. This I call understanding. Once u understand, u relax and in that relaxation, u surrender.
The more u understand the rhythm of life, the polarity, u stop asking, and u stop choosing.

Soul - No one think I can lead them. No one think I hav it, so how to promote and expand Isha. No one values me. Guess its my ego. Why I stil wan to feel special when I already knew its d ego. I don't need to do anything. Why do I still need to be happy. Why haven't I tranform. Why I still face failure in getting people to join IE.
So, I hav did my part. Any more wil be on ego. As to whether they come to preview or in d end attend IE. It is up to God.

4. Direction of growth - Gates of Heaven - samurai's pride.
Heaven and hell are within u. Both door side by side and d choice is urs, which jus a change of mind, hell can be transformed to heaven.
The ego opens d gate of hell.

Soul - jus now a stranger come to talk to me and I was firm n said my mood is not good and I can't talk. He look surprised and affronted and replied he is a volunteer. I guess he means that since he volunteer to speak to me, I shldn reject him.
For me, its not him. I just can't talk.
I guess this d msg to me. Jus becos I volunteer to send out via friends. The fact they don't respond - is their prerogative. So for them, its not me, either. Not their evaluation that I am no Light but they don't wan to see anything yet. So, don't take it personally. It is not a reflection of my Light. I don't hav to prove my Light jus like d rest too.
Jus now when I said no to the guy. I heard of close friend's voice saying u defintely not evolved, u rejected a volunteer. U r not loving. I recalled I retorted, both loving and non-loving response is ok. At least I was loving to myself.

5. Key to integration - A cup of tea.
Awareness come thru sensitivity.
To get to inner eyes, the outer eyes has to be thrown.

Soul - yea, jus be aware. I am not proud of myself for falling back to ego whenever m stressed. I guess that's what close friend wld says too.