Letter to close friend

Firstly, my apology for delayed reaction. I guess my emotional control was switched on and I was able to sit n discuss wit u rationally.
When I reach home, I start to grow disturb and later I realised that its cos I am angry wit u.
Sorry, m not like u. I don't keep my anger. Suppressed anger turns into resentment.
So, this letter was written on Sunday and I also give u my journal on Saturday. Hopefully u will then see me as what I really am n not what u wan me to be.

While I agree with u that I m no longer bothered by d happenings in office. I don't agree wit u that I am hard person and I absolutely disagreed wit u that my meditation is a crutch and is an escape.

Again, u have judged me based on ur own value std. Before u judge me and give me ur unsolicited opinion, remember that u r validated by rships and secondly u r not a meditator. So, don't go around n give me ur judgement and also ur unsolicited advice. The way u deliver is also not loving. I have never claim to be loving n I don't intend to start. If that is ur path, then its fine but don't force it down my throat. Don't say that I m off track jus becos I don't act loving and I don't want to invest in rship that is not to my interest nor my growth.
So for PA, my teaching to her is she need to be 'terminated' of her self-proclaimed role as teacher to me. She always said she is staying in office becos of me. Once I m no longer friend with her, she can't use me anymore n has to face the fact why she stayed on in a job which she detests. So, I am teaching. If I become friend wit her, she wld forever hide behind me and I also not sure if I can be upfront with her cos I know she will brush off my opinion as she think she is higher level than me.

In a way she reminds me of u. Both of u don't wan me to grow n both think only ur way is right :(

Or perhaps its me, I hav issue wit assertion of my opinion, but on the other hand, can't be, right cos generally, I am quite assertice? So, it must be u guys who are too heavy handed in dishing out ur judgement.

U have a tendency to judge me n said I am off track whenever I don't walk the way u walk.
Whenever I am down n depressed, u tell me off. And now I am up, u also tell me off.

I recalled when I went into my depression in 1997 n then went my heart broke over the guy I loveA. U judge me and asked me to snap out. And when I started ACIM n went down n was so sad, u too judge me and said m off track, that's is a book of love n I shldnt feel sad. And now I am into meditation and it helped me to detached myself from office, u judge me that m a hard person and even had a gall to say that my meditation is a crutch.

And that is hurtful. If u recall, u said God has bought me to this path of meditation and He would not let me astray and now u said it is a crutch jus becos u don't like the result. Also, u studied Paramahansa, u knew the benefits n experience from meditation. So, how can u turn around said it is not good for me??

Remember ACIM and the Way of Heart, every situation is neutrel, we only give it our judgement.

And alas, I can finally neutralise the happening at office with the help from my meditation and here u are telling me m off track. How dare you?? Did I seek ur advice?? U n PA is the same in that both are self-proclaimed teachers. Yea, u showed me the tools, or u open the door but it is I who take the path. So, u can say that u r both instrumental in some part of my journey, but u r both not my teacher cos I know that both of u don't learn and apply the tools that u shared wit me.

U r so persistent in disallowing me to be. Why do u want to judge me?

I am never validated by rships but u are. Why can't u see my view on rships is the same as ur view on money, it doesn't affect us.
I used to think u r arrogant n spoilt urself silly with ur money. But then I realised its my issue with money. And its only recently when I learned abt Law of Attraction that I realised u r on track.

Didn't u realise that I have never tell u my opinion abt u?
Do u think u r above my judgement??
Do u think that I tot u r always on track??
All no. Cos I know u can't handle it if I told u n I don't want to spoil d friendship. Besides I don't wan to tell u cos u may think I know more than u n u wouldn't like and would think m arrogant.
Why u think I don't share abt my meditational experience wit u?? Cos I hav learned that u tend to brush off my tot and wld judge me.
Alas, its sad. I guess I haven't been forth right wit u and her u r too forth right with me.
I used to wonder why can u be so judgemental n forthright with me, when u can't even tell ur other friends what u really think. I used to think u don't value me or rather perhaps u think u can talk down to me cos u perceived urself as big sister.

U don't know me cos u don't want to know me. And we kept the rship without knowing each other. A true fship let's each other grow and accept each other. I have accepted u as u are n hence I don't give my judgement to u. But you, after all these years still judge me, still want me to improve.

But at least I can tell u that ur statement that I m hard, has confirmed that I m on d right track, cos its what I want. To be in this office, n yet not affected by the melodrama. And that's means my meditation has been transformational.

So, if m sad n depressed, be wit me. Let me be. If I am happy and arrogant, let me be. Let me be sad and depressed and happy & arrogant. Both are me and I have finally accepted both. I can't continue with a rship that neither accept my sadness nor my happiness.

I have grown so much for past 10 years, but u still think of me as the old me. Perhaps its my fault for not sharing my growth, but perhaps its ur fault for being so judgemental that m afraid to share. The truth is u have never accepted me or perhaps u have never really know me.

I hope that by opening up finally, u r able to see me for what I am now n we can have a fresh start as equal in our friendship, giving both parties the room to grow to whatever form it may be.