Jus got back from visiting cousin's child. He look strong n I jus checked out his card, Queen of club.

Then tot of reading Ace of Heart, my year card;
On the highest level, the Ace of Heart, means 'love of the self'. If we first can love ourselves, we can then find love everywhere we go. For the Ace of Heart, it often takes a long time for them to turn attention within, but ultimately this is where they find what they are looking for.

It is love of self that brings the truest satisfaction, but how can love of self and love of another coexist in a human rship? Who comes first, our partner or ourself? First of all, we can realise that the love we feel for another person and the wonderful qualities that we see in them are actually within our self. They may have been the catalyst that helped us to see those part of ourself, but in truth these qualities and feelings belong to us alone. In truth, our partner may or may not share the wonderful feelings or qualities that we r experiencing. All our rship are just mirrors of ourselves. We can then transfer love that we feel for the partner back to ourselves and really see jus how special we are. Then we can love our partner without being afraid that they will run away and take all this love we feel with them.

Soul - I asked myself, why we need someone to reflect love to ourself? Then an answer came, cos we are afraid to love ourself. It is safer n more acceptable to love another person.

Also searching for book to read, since I m done with Osho - Kabir Revolution. Out came - The life of the Mind by Hannah Arendt. It is abt the mind as it exists in contemplative life. I recall when I read it last time, I cld only relate abt half the book. I think it is timely now and also since I understand or perhaps can finally see the politician mind - turning all scenarios to its advantage n pushing me all d way, I wld like to understand why the mind is like that. Previously, I tot it was shitty abt 1 year ago, but now I realised it is smart, too smart for me to catch it till now. Let me see.

And I also now let my body explore more. Yday when I was doing kapala bhakti, suddenly tot of some issue came in n I was getting lost in my mind, suddenly my body took over n start shaking my head till all d tot fell off and I continued to focus on kapala bhakti.
I now understand m too much in my mind n my body (sensation) has not been given a place. That's why I love food so much even from very young age. It is becos of the sexual molest case that losing control is not an option and hence I let go and focus on food.

Well, at least I m letting my body take charge during meditation and now swimming. I swam 8 lapse, for d first time. I keep reminding myself to focus on sensation, my body will know what to do.

And last friday, lookin at d roast pork, I wanted to eat, despite finished a bowl of noodle. I put in my mouth n start to chew but I just cannnot swallow n spit it out n gav mom the rest of it.
I wonder if this is becos I m now giving my body freedom n its now become more selective. This rejection of food has never happen, especially food which I liked, no matter how full I am. And friday nite, I wasn't full yet.

On d other hand, now when it normal meal time, I jus finished d rice or noodle, nor
curtailing/controlling, nor worried abt getting fat.