My value is measured by the value of food I eat

Oct 2

Father, I m thankful that I no longer worry so much abt things I can't control. Things happening in office is going way down but now I know its not my burden. Its d CEO. Our revenue has dropped from 19 mil to 11 mil n CEO package is too high for us. That decision is for Regional.
Today also quarterly reporting. At least I got an extension by another hald day.

So, I m thankful that m detached from office. Although I haven't find anything that m keen on. D sathsang thingy, I think M want to be d one n m fine with that.
Today tot of d korean drama - soil for d other person, loving d person n wanting him to be happy, instead of wanting him to make her happy.

Today start to read the book "When Food is Love", I first read this book in Year 2001, then Year 2004 and now 2009. Will see whats my stand now.

When food is love
Eating is a metaphor for the way we live; it is also a metaphor for the way we love.

Excessive fantasising, creating drama, the need to be in control, and wanting what is forbidden are behaviours that block us from finding joy in food or relationships.

And some of the same guidelines that enable us to break free from compulsive behaviours - learning to stay in the present, beginning to value ourselves, giving the hungry child within us a voice, trusting our physical and emotional hungers, and teaching ourselves to receive pleasure - enable us to be intimate with another person.
There are pieces you have minimised, shut away or forgotten deeply affect the way you eat and love and keep you from living with creativity and passion, self respect and a belief in your own effectiveness.
I told myself that if I spent the rest of my life without a partner, I would still be living fully. Everyone ends up being alone, I reasoned. Its better to be alone than to be with someone I don't love. I believed it all. But I was still dreaming of moony kisses and entwined bodies.

Soul - mmm, words from my heart.

When food is love
After waiting all our lives for tenderness and beauty to arrive in the form of being thin or being in love, it can be devastating to discover that neither one can be found in either one. Not when the expectation is that we will lose ourselves. Or find ourselves.

Soul - I tot of this too. I already knew rship is not d answer or perhaps I didn't meet the right guy. D job is not the answer. It is jus me. I even not sure if meditation is the answer but I knew enough that it is my path.
Father, what's next?

When food is love
Compulsion is despair on the emotional level. The substances, people or activities that we become compulsive about are those that we believe capable of taking our despair away.

Loving him was supposed to take the pain away. Instead, it brings it up. I thought that having someone to sleep with and talk with and eat with was going to take the pain away. But there were many moments, when I m back to being a child with no one at home.

Compulsion is the feeling that there is no one at home. We become compulsive to put someone home. All we ever wanted was love. We didn't want to become compulsive abt anything. We did it to survive. We did it to keep us from going crazy.

Soul - my job used to give me identity n used to affect me d most. When m in rship, m also affected.


Afternoon
Did a good powerpoint n run thru wit CEO. I know I did well n I was proud of myself. I told CEO n she agrees with me.When I did my Shoonya, I thanked God for the clarity, it wasn't me. I didn't think of any action plan n tot of d idea in d toilet jus before discussion wit CEO. She likes d idea.
It was God, not me. I m good, but never as good as this. I used to need time to ponder n muddle/worry in my head before I came out wit d plan. Now didn't even ponder/worry and it jus came out.
The nine of heart is real true. I lost my cousin.

When food is love
Food was our love; eating was our way of being loved. Food was available when our parents weren't. Food didn't get up n leave us like our mother. Food didn't hurt us. Food didn't say no. Food tasted good. Food was warm when we r cold and cold when we are hot. Food become the closest thing we knew of love. But food is only a substitute for love. Food is not, nor was it ever love.
Compulsive behaviour , at its most fundamental, is a lack of self-love, it is an expression of a belief that we r not good enough. Eating food that I had taken from my grandmother drawer, made me feel like I was something special.

Soul - in my case, food was d time I let go of my control freak nature n jus do what I wan without any consideration for others.
My compulsion is always to give myself n others d best food. It cannot be lowered. If the std is lowered n I eat it, is a reflection of how much I love me. I eat well cos I love me. I give myself d most cos I don't receive from others. I think m not good enough for others, so must be good enough for myself.
Eating good food makes me think m special too. I never give anything to myself except good food.
That the way I show love to myself. Perhaps I can see abt decorating my room but the tot of paying d money stops me. Perhaps can explore 2nd hand shop n make my room a sanctuary.

When food is love
Love and compulsion cannot coexist. Love is the willingness and ability to be affected by another human being and to allow that effect to make a difference in what you do, say, become.
Compulsion is the act of wrapping ourselves around an activity, a substance, or a person to survive, to tolerate and numb our experience of the moment.

Love is a state of connectedness, one that includes vulnerability, surrender, self-valuing, steadiness and a willingness to face, rather than run from, the worst of ourselves.

Compulsion is a state of isolation, one that includes self-absorption, invulnerability, low self esteem, unpredictability and fear that if we faced our pain, it would destroy us.
The very purpose of compulsion is to protect ourselves from the pain associated with love.
Our mother goes away n we decide that we r unlovable. There are situations in which uncomfortable feelings were denied and repressed.
As children, we have no resources, no power to make choices abt our situations. We need our families. If we feel that the pain around us is too intense and we cannot leave or change it, we will shut off. We will - and do - switch our pain to something less threatening; a compulsion.
As adult, it become our task to examine the decisions we made long ago about our self-worth, our capacity to love, our wilingness to be loved, for it is from these decisions that many of our beliefs about compulsion and love take root.

Soul - my control freak fear of love. Cos when in love, m not in control and insecurity crops up and I become a feeler. I don't like being not in control.
My mom let me be taken care by others, choose me of all d siblings and I tot I was unlovable too. I now knew I was chosen becos I was d cute one, d cheerful one, actually d lovable one. But still d pain of past doesn't jus go off like that. I still feel unlovable.
At work, no one want to protect me, they said m self-protected and I can fight my own battles and I am smart but I interpret that they didn't wan to protect me cos m not lovable.
Suddenly a tot just came, they said I don't need protection cos I am already self-protected, alreayd well loved by myself and others. I faced loads of demanding bosses.

When d situation of molest happen n I wasn't encouraged to talk abt it, again I tot that they don't love me. Actually, action already was taken, which I didn't know.

So, perhaps m truly loved n don't need loving circumstances. But I do want it. What I don't understand is why I can stil be affected by work. Well, it is cut by 50 percent already. So, will see.
Actually, deep within I think m not lovable. Even now after getting connecting to the Source, I feel guilty and unworthy cos not able to actualise it unlike others.

Since I think m unlovable, who wil then think m lovable???