I used my work to avoid pain, and so I avoid intimacy too

Oct 9
Father, m disturbed. Mind keep on thinking of action plan. I don't wan to go back to the past, dramas. I don't want to prove myself. Especially now my RA is on d high side. Let me connect to U. Real glad this Sunday is sathsang. I need it to cleanse up myself.

When food is love
We create drama because we are afraid of revealing ourselves. Creating drama protects us from being intimate.
Intimacy is showing another person the parts of ourselves that we believe to be unworthy and thereby risking that they will turn from is the way our parents did. (A voice inside scream, "It was excruciating the first time and now you are asking me to go through it again:). Intimacy brings with it tenderness and humour, companionship and affection, but it also demands that we relive the most agonising moments of being a child.

The hard part isn't getting there, it is staying there. Which is the reason that we do all we can to prolong the process of getting there. We don't want to be there. We unconsciously decide that we would rather eat and be protected or occupy our time with The Search, or find fault with our present relationship, then go back to the vulnerability of childhood that intimacy brings.

Soul - yeap. It was unconscious in d beginning n then later it was conscious after d con incident. For the past 3 years, I avoided it. And now alas I m opening up, d fears still there but at least it is conscious and now wit meditation, I know I can face my fear.
Instead of food, I have use my Work as d protection.

When food is love
When you protect yourself from pain, you protect yourself from intimacy. When you allow your pain to be visible, you can give it voice. When you give it voice, you can release yourself from it.

Soul - earlier, I started only to release my pain during meditation but now I can release at the moment.

When food is love
The problem with giving up drama - with food and in relationships - is that without it, we don't know what to do. We are not sure we are really alive.
We don't know how to be alive without drama. To us, suffering dignifies an experience. When something is hard, we know it is worth doing. If we have to struggle, we have a purpose - and winning the struggle gives us a feeling of accomplishment.

We have to face something that we never anticipated; the possibility of peace and contentment. Peace and contentment are feelings that take practice to achieve. They r not a consequence of being successful or being in love or being thin. They are, among other things, a consequence of stopping in the present moment and looking around.

Soul - I have now experienced contentment after meditation. I can now connect to the silence of Universe almost everywhere.

When food is love
You either learn to change ur internal dialogue to one of respecting yourself now, as a regular and unromantic it seem or u live in great swoops of emotion, always afraid that the moment the sut settle, people will see the "real" you and reject you.

Soul - yeap, very apt. That's my tot. Stop deliberating action plan, stop creating ideas, stop using rebates, stop giving ideas to CEO. Stop get caught up in the drama. Especially since GM said she opt out of drama.
I to of me judging PA for keep on saying she want out, but other rely on her. Saying that if others go, she will go to. Now her 2 kaki - driver and GM is leaving, she still here n that's give her a mirror that she didn't wan to go.

Me, says I wan easy life, contented job and here I goes on reliving drama. Participating give d drama energy and prolonging it. Stop now.

Father, tot of telling CEO that m out of my league n its best to get SS help to restructure. Yeap, that's great cos then I won't hav to come out wit plans that prolong my dramas.