My jobs are high drama - is not me

Oct 8
When food is love
Beneath the passion for drama in a compulsive eater's life is the belief that without it, we would not get what we want. Without drama, we would simply be ourselves, and that is not good enough.

Soul - when reading this, tot of me n my job. All my jobs got loads of drama, cashflow problem, restructuring, nasty bosses, envious peers, recalcitrant staff, biz failure, no bonus n no increment and not to forget heavy work load.
Always my 1 (one) year of experience equates to people 5 years. Whenever I do something for first time, it wld be the worst case scenario n I wld experience the full spectrum from A to Z.
Looking at it now - all these are dramas.
At times, when things are stable, I start to feel restless, feel not wanted, not needed, worry if being stagnant, worried being left out, n then look for new job and d challenge starts again.

Mom said I wld always start a job, struggle for at least 1 year n more n when things stablelise, I wld leave. She said I m not smart, didn't stay to savour d fruit of labour.
My staff has told me that m achievement orientated n nothing seem to affect me.
My ex-staff said m workoholic. She said m d type person that can overcome any challenge n do it with a happy go lucky attitude.
Actually, now looking at me from a witness viewpoint, all these are dramas, all these are heavy activities. I used to judge my advertising friend for d need for activities n dramas in order to get recognition.

Now for d first time, I can see that I m also into heavy drama. I used to think firstly, its d job, then I tot its my karma n then conclude m not lovable n resigned to the fact that I cannot have a peachy job with high pay, 9 to 5 pm, good boss and exciting role, limelight, a fully maintained car, a driver.

The one thing I always have in jobs, is good food. Wherever I go, I get good food.

Since I can't have d goodies, I get the badies, either way I can hav recognition, if not by others, then by myself. M needed. M not useless. M not hopeless.

Even yday when I suspect PA n MA talking abt me being flustered. At first I felt defensive n then tot aiyah, its ok if m flustered, got so much on my plate. Heaviest period in d year. And who is PA to judge me for flustering, when she can even lose her cool, snap n wanted to hit out at people. So, never mind, flustering is fine.

When food is love
If I don't create a reason to be loved - being sick, being unhappy, being famous I if there is no urgency, no one will respond. My everyday self is boring, chubby, clumsy. I say dumb things.
Each of this beliefs is preceded by an unspoken primary belief;
"I was myself as a child and that didn't work. If I had been a different self, I surely would have been loved. Now I will try to being someone else"

If our reaction to events or feeling is "Oh good, this will get his/her attention, it is a sign that we believe that we can't get what we want by being ourselves.

Soul - that doesn't resonate but a tot came I do my job cos I can show of my smartness, contradicting my brother's criticism that m hopeless, not smart, clumsy, absent minded.

It becos d drama of job makes me shine. But too much drama also takes its toil n hence I got RA.

As for food, its only way I give back to myself, loving myself. I cannot accept bad food cos it felt that m crucifying myself and good food means m glorifying myself. That's what people meant when they see me so attached n affected by food. How can I be not affected. Good quality food is love to me.
Mmm, in which instance m I crucifying myself? One answer came - my job.

Suddenly click into journal on New Earth.
Eckhart Tolle
You become good, by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge.

The greatest achievement of humanity is the recognition of its own madness. To recognise one's own insanity is the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcedence.

How spiritual you are has nothing to do wit what you believe, but everything to do wit your state of consciousness. This in turn, determines how you act in the world and interact with others.

When u r conscious, you then no longer derive your identity, your sense of who you are, from the incessant stream of thinking that in the old consciousness you take to be yourself; ie "the voice in your head" is not you.

Awareness
Thought
Perception
Emotion.

Ego is complete identification wit forms, physical, thought and emotional. The greatest miracle is experiencing yourself prior any words, tots or labels. To do that you need to Disentangle your sense of I, of beingness, from all the things it has become mixed up.

If you can recognise illusions as illusions, it dissolves.

If you take away one kind of identification, the ego will quickly find another. It ultimately doesn't mind what it identifies with as long as it has an identity. Making yourself right and others wrong is one of the principal egoic mind patterns, one of the main form of consciousness. In other word, the content may change but the mind structure that keeps it alive does not.
The ego sense of self is in most cases bound up wit the worth you have in the eyes of others.

The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old conditioned mind-pattern.

Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist. The old mind patterns can be weaken.

Spiritual realisation is to see clearly what I perceive, experience, think or feel is ultimately not who I am, that I cannot find myself in all those things that continuously pass away. It is no longer of absolute n hence I need not take it as carved in stone. All forms are unstable