I am supposed to move..but where? (6) - back to him

Aug 15 (1 mth after lassik)

Father, my body wants him. I always had the fear of emotion. Actually I can handle my emotion. My body still wants him. Perhaps its because we just started. Like Osho said I need to get it out of my system. The reason for breakup is the fear that I fall in love with partner that doesn't love me back.
So, one is confirmed. He doesn't love. Does he want me? Yes. Do I love him, not sure.

Father, there is a physical hunger in me. He has brought it to surface. He has released my physical point. I have transferred the hunger into food during the last two months without him.

And my Passion test affirm the decision that I need to make. He is just here to fulfill my hunger. My perfect partner is a combination of Rj, T and him. He stimulates me physically. I want him and not others.

Frankly I am not sure why he puts up with my nonsense, except that he wants me physically. Instead of seeing myself as a victim, seeing this as a risk. Why don't I see this as an opportunity? Like second sis keep on repeating, we only have a few years to Big O. I would prefer to be physical with a committed partner. But there is none at the moment and my hunger is great.

And let's face it. I too don't want a marriage with children. So, why am I arguing about that? Just use him like the Tool that he wanted me too.
As for the privacy, I agreed cos we are just helping each other out. We r not a couple. I was thinking that we go for a trip and have a rendezvous of 3 days 2 night. Who knows, what happen by then. I will pay cos its for me. This time is I want it. Best is the local haunt. We can do loads there. I also got to swim in the spa pool. That's my present for myself.

Pre-birth year - making it right again. I recalled I enjoy physical when I was a kid. Then it stopped. I am ready to play again. The past is gone.

I did my Osho
1. Issue
Turning in - meditation to ignore the drama in the mind

2. Internal influence
Courage to grow

3. External influence
Breakthrough
Enough is enough. We must do something, anything, even if it later turns out to be a mistake, to throw off the burdens and restrictions that are limiting us. If we don't, they threaten to suffocate and cripple our very life energy itself.

4. What is need
Politics
Take a good look at urself if u have been playing this game. What u see might be painful, but not as painful as continuing to play.

5. Resolution
Understanding
U r out of jail, out of the cage; u can open ur wings and the whole sky is yours.
Just drop clinging to this cage, move out and fly.
In the inner sky, in the inner world, freedom is the highest value.

Soul
I have just msg him, "I still want u".
I don't know if he still wants me. If yes, I don't want to pretend or hide anymore. This bottling up is not good for me and it may turn bad.
Alas, I am freed. The first step was acknowledging my need. And second step to tell him. If he is not keen, Father will send me another one.

Day card
Jack of Heart - spiritual sacrifice. U will feel and be encouraged to elevate ur thinking, speaking and acting to a higher level. U may also decide to make some sort of personal sacrifice when this influence is present. This would likely be for the sake of someone younger than urself though it can take other forms.

Soul, to me that was a conscious breakthrough. I must acknowledge my want for him.

Late morning
Still no response from him. But somehow I am not bothered. Well, he could reject me, which then end this or he is not sure. I may feel bad later but at least I am acknowledging it. That's the first step. The rest is not up to me.


(Aug 22 - he responded to me in the evening)