I am supposed to move..but where? (9) - back to him

Aug 18

Father, regardless of all the con, one thing I know is that I have a need to fulfill. Its something I have suppressed for so long. I want to be whole again completely. When I tot of that, it was final. There was no projection from the mind.

My only issue;
lost of pride - not really;
lost of face with Z - not really; lost of credibility with S - not really.
Fear of falling for him - yes
Fear of being hurt - not really
Fear of not able to let go - not really cos I have proven that.
Fear of how people see me - a bit. But like my colleague said, sometimes u just need to do something just for the fun of it.
Fear that it won't be that fun - maybe
Fear of how Z would see me - a bit

I also remember this on handling Pluto.
Osho - internal
Courage
When we are faced with a very difficult situation, we have a choice;
- we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody to blame (Blame God and my karma)
- we can face the challenge and grow

There is no point fighting against the challenges of life or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower, we must go through them.
Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.

Soul
The last time I couldn't help myself. I had to go in cos I fall for him. And I tot I also wanted to release the physical need. I went in but I had to come out cos I have fallen for him and he still has not and I was afraid of rejection.

This time, I have the choice. And there is no trepidation of the unknown in physical. I am just not sure if the price to pay is worth it. But perhaps I am not sure of the value I get.

I am only sure of one thing, I need the physical release and he is my Cosmic lesson I need to go through to achieve my Self Mastery. Therein lies my determination. I cannot let the fear of price to pay detract me away from my Dream.
Furthermore if what I fear is rejection. This would be the ultimate test.

External influence
Breakthrough
The dawn is not far away, but before u can reach the dawn, the dark night has to be passed through. And as the dawn comes closer, the night will become darker.


Aug 18 Eve
V's advice to me
To live for today
Commitment I require is for my worth. If he commits, I feel worthy.
Just enjoy the rship. If it ends, deal with it then. If it doesn't, u keep enjoying it
Predicting failure and worrying about it now serves no purpose.

Yea, so just enjoy with Z. I have been holding myself back and etc.

I told him that I m having doubts. While I want him, I am not sure whether he is worth the price to pay.
V replied that I think too much. Just let it flow. If I really don't want it, I will know.

I am behaving like a crab. I got hurt and I don't dare to come out to play. I want to hold back my love. I prefer not to invest, prefer not to risk.

No wonder my lifetime challenge is Seven of Hearts. To love unconditionally.

My mind is busy with things not to do with him. All to do with not showing my affection.

Father, finished my evening practices. A tot came to my mind during the practice. Since my defense mechanism is to shut down, then the lesson is not to shut down. And hence I knew why I am with Z. With him, I had every reason in the world to shut down. But here I am not. Thats the conflict in me. I should be shutting down and why I start with him. What happened to my auto defense mechanism.
I try to call him but no reply. The old me would have reacted. The new me just said whatever.
The mind working overtime and said Z didn't want to pick up my call.
I don't think so.