Still missing him

Jul 19

Woke up and tot Z cannot love me the way I want to be loved. And I recalled my sadness when he continuously tells me not to have feelings for him. So, let's remember and move on. We deserved to be loved.

Just finished my breakfast. For the first time since a long time, I had vegetarian fried noodles voluntarily. Taste quite good. Anyway, I am now changing cafe as the old one coffee has deteriorate and I am paying double the price.

Suddenly tot of Z. Since he is more into running rather than shambavi, he might as well do breathing meditation. Aiyah, I do care and he is still in my mind. But I cannot msg him cos don't want to put myself there. And I am not sure if my intention is sincere. And I am also afraid that it be rejected. Either way, don't want to go there. But its not easy.

1. The Issue
Politics
All but the most innocent and sincere of us have a politician lurking somewhere in our minds. The mind is political as its very nature is to plan and scheme and try to manipulate situations and people so that it can get what it wants.

Soul
Well, my mind is playing non-stop on Z. Let me go and remember I deserved to be loved. I need not go back to a guy who just want me but doesn't love me.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see.
Control
Controlled persons are always nervous because deep down turmoil is still hidden. If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u r not nervous. Whatsoever happens, happens. U have no expectations for the future, u r not performing. Then why should u be nervous.

There is a time and a place for control, but if we put it in charge of our lives we end up totally rigid.
The King of Clouds reminds us to take a deep breath, loosen our neckties and take it easy. If mistakes happen, its okay. If things get a little out of hand, its probably just what the doctor ordered. There is much, much more to life than being "on top of things."

Soul
Well, office is bit turmoil and I am still missing Z.

3. External influence
Conditioning
Unless u drop ur personality u will not be able to find ur individuality. Individuality is given by existence; personality is imposed by society.

Soul
Well, not sure. Except on writing. On Z, am I behaving like lion or sheep. Well, sheep cos I don't want to go into it. Either way is 'trouble'.
Aiyah, give myself more time, in Sept, then at least my intention is more sure or rather I assumed attraction will ease of.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Existence
U r not accidental. Existence needs u. Once u r clean and clear, u can see tremendous love falling on u from all dimensions.

If u have been feeling like the world is out to get u, its time to take a break. Go outside and look at the star.

Soul
Yea. Just be at ease. No need to judge myself on Z. I like him, just face it and he cannot return my feelings. Just let the feeling flows. Don't stop it. Don't suppress it.
On my eyes, gave it a rest too.
Suddenly, I realised. Just go with the flow. I am where I am. Need not fight against the stream.

5. Resolution
Harmony
Listen to ur heart, move according to ur heart, whatsoever the stake: A condition of complete simplicity costing not less than everything.
To be simple is ardous, because to be simple costs everything that u have.
U have to lose all to be simple. That's why people have chosen to be complex and they have forgotten how to be simple. Only a simple heart throbs with God, hand in hand.
Only a simple heart sings with God in deep harmony. To reach to that point, u will have to find ur heart, ur own throb, ur own beat.
Let urself become softer and receptive now, because an inexpressible joy is waiting for u just around the corner.

Z's msg
Learn from the past. Live in the future and dream of the future.

My first tot was to correct him. The sayings shld be ; learn from the past. Live in the now and dream of the future.

But I suddenly tot of me. I broke up with him because of a bleak future. I didn't promote my writing because worried of how people see me. All in future.

Father, live in the NOW. In the Now, I missed him and want him. I don't know lah.