Losing my automatic mode on Sadhana

Aug 27

Woke up upon alarm at 7 am..but not willing to wake up.
Slept a bit and woke up just before 8 am.

Checked my FB and got this message.
Sadhguru
Sadhana is towards creating a sense of fulfilment where there is no need to lean on anyone anymore.

Soul
That's the msg I need now. I m losing everything I know...but sadhana is what I know.

Can't do Bhuta Shuddi...as it is too late.
Didn't do Angamadharna...so did 3 cycle of Surya Kriya.
Body bit stiff...in the first cycle, couldn't get both feet on the ground. In the second cycle, both feet touch ground on 2 mountain pose and second cycle, both feet touches ground on 3 cycles. I was laughing during the lying down postures..yes, Surya Kriya I still want
Yes...Angamardhana is important to me and I still want it.
Breathing meditation is okay...I still want cos that's where I sit with my shrine...ultimately I want Samyama.
Shakti...I am slowly but surely getting the sound of Kapala Bhakti..it was quite good. Towards the end I was singing..I want Shakti.
On Shambavi..I did a quick one...I now do abridged Shambavi..
i am not keen on Shambavi..but I like that it somehow brings me back to earth after the high of Shakti.
Finished my practices around 10.30 am
Love the feeling of myself...

I am truly back to square one.
It is like you are married and you just go on auto mode. One day, you are freed and everyday you decide if you want to be with your husband.
Thats how I feel now with my sadhana. A daily decision.
It is now going to be on whether I want to do ..and not I have to do.
My sadhanas was on auto mode previously..but not now.
Instead of lamenting for the loss of auto mode, perhaps I should rejoice that I am finally freed and can make the choice.
Even my Rheumatoid Arthristis pills, I have not been taking the pills since Kailash and now nearly 5 days have passed and still not taking.

Yes...now I can finally said that I am doing sadhana because I truly want to.
Previously it was my RA that keep me going..
Now I decide what I want to do...
Angamardhana...is what I want...it allows me to eat as much as I want without gaining weight...especially my desserts.
It made my body nimble...
It makes the asanas effortless.